Prostitute-using policeman ‘most relaxed we’ve ever encountered’

author avatar by 15 years ago

A police officer given a conditional discharge for using prostitutes whilst on duty has been described as the most personable officer anyone has ever dealt with.

Robert Bowen, 45, who was a traffic officer, ignored an emergency call in Manchester and instead visited a red light district in order to get vigorous hand relief from a scouse woman called Lil.

Members of the public who have encountered officer Bowen have leapt to his defence claiming his discharge was unfair and that he was always in an extremely good mood.

“When I heard about his discharge I just thought he’d been bareback with one of those foreigners on Albert Dock, I didn’t realise he was in trouble at work,” said one woman.

“It’s such a shame. I never saw him raise his voice, he was always relaxed and generally had a big smile on his face.”

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“The only minor thing wrong with him was a tendency to scratch his man bits a bit more often than is generally considered polite.”


Police watchdog the PCC has suggested that engaging the services of sex workers could become compulsory in an effort to make the police more approachable and reduce their propensity to be overly-aggressive about the tiniest little bloody thing.

“Who would you rather have stop you in the street, a sexually-frustrated power crazed Neanderthal, or a totally relaxed bobby who is smiling from ear to ear because he has just been sucked silly by a local tom?”

“It’s a no brainer, it really is.”

A London prostitute told us, “We offer discounts to policemen in uniform, but they generally only want the straight forward stuff to get them through a day of dealing with the arseholes that make up the vast majority of the general public.”

“If you want to see some really kinky stuff, come round here when the Houses of Parliament has just finished sitting.”

“You know, maybe if that lot came down here during their lunch hour maybe this country wouldn’t be on its arse.”