Every school pupil in England is to be taught that domestic violence against women and girls is generally a bad thing, as part of a new government strategy to state the bleeding obvious at every opportunity.
Under the plans, from 2011 children will be taught from the age of five how to not smack women repeatedly with whatever implement is nearest to hand.
“We feel that perhaps parents aren’t making it clear enough that physically attacking other people is a bad thing, so like any good Government we’re once again stepping into the breach,” said Schools minister Vernon Coaker.
“We’ll need to bump a couple of Geography lessons to make room for this new one, but the only time people ever need a list of the world’s capital cities is for pub quizzes anyway.”
The new GCSE qualification in Not Hitting Women will be available in the 2012 exam timetable.
Mock examinations are already under way in order to gauge the level re-education required among the student population.
“I got a C plus, as I was pretty sure you could give a backhanded slap for talking during Match of The Day – who knew?” said 15-year-old Darren Shaw.
Another student told us, “I got an A, simply by answering ‘No’ to every question that started, “Should you hit a woman if…”, it was quite easy to be honest.”
“Apparently, to get an A* you need to spot the trick question, which now I think about it is probably answering ‘Yes’ if she suggests going on Jeremy Kyle.”
The Government confidently predicts domestic violence to be completely eradicated by 2020.