Train firms to shaft customers much more gently next year

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The Association of Train Operating Companies (Atoc) has said that train customers will only receive a gentle shafting when next year’s prices come into effect.

After a year in which the retail price index has fallen by 1.4%, prices will go up by just 1.1%, barely enough to anger everyone and to ensure the train companies have still technically penetrated each and every customer that will use their services.

Atoc spokesperson Dave McDonald said, “After a difficult year, we thought we would reward our loyal customers by exposing them to a price rise which is nothing more than a semi-rough taking from behind,”

“This price rise is merely the equivalent of a not-entirely-consensual, but well lubricated shafting you’d get after a first date – at least we bought you dinner before doing you over against your will.”


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The price strategy is seen as a way of encouraging people to use the train instead of a car or air travel.

James Collins, 32 said, “I commute from Reading to London every day and this further gentle shafting is still marginally better than sitting on the M4 for three hours, or paying £300 an hour for a helicopter.”

“Though it is getting awfully close on the helicopter.”

Another train user told us, “I found a couple holes in the fence at either end of my journey so I haven’t bought a ticket for over two years.”

“Which, to take your tortured analogy even further, is a bit like shagging a particularly high-priced hooker every day before running off without paying.”

“Only there’s a much higher chance of catching some horrendous disease using public transport.”