England’s humiliating Ashes Test capitulations could return to free-to-air television from 2016 if a review panel’s recommendations announced on Friday are adopted.
The review panel led by the Department of Culture has said that watching Australians completely embarrass their English opponents should be a fundamental right of anyone with a television set.
“There really is no reason why every man woman and child shouldn’t get to see the England cricket team completely annihilated by a more than competent Australian side on a biennial basis.” Said review panel chairman David Davies.
“Even if you don’t like cricket, there’s nothing more entertaining than Alistair Cook’s face when he gets out for yet another duck.”
Current England cricket captain Andrew Strauss has voiced his opposition to the move, insisting his on-field embarrassments are a private matter between him and a few thousand frightfully middle class spectators.
“Personally I wanted it shown on E4 where nobody would see it,” said Strauss.
“Or maybe on the Internet only like that England football match?”
“I’d willingly accept radio coverage if the commentators could be a bit nicer next time I’m completely bamboozled by an Australian spin bowler.”
“I mean, imagine if someone put a video of you falling into a massive cake on BBC 1, where it was laughed at by millions of armchair cake lovers.”
“Well that’s what the review panel are planning on doing to me, the utter, utter bastards.”