The nation’s no-win no-fee legal profession has been swamped by enquiries from screaming toddlers after it was agreed that compensation was due to a toddler attacked by another toddler.
The legal precedent has opened the floodgates for spurious compensation claims from previously reasonable toddlers who have seen an opportunity to right the thousands of injustices they encounter every single day.
“We’re swamped,” said Gary Shady from Injury Lawyers 4 U And U.
“We’re normally only interested in real issues, like throwing yourself off a ladder or falling over in Tesco.”
“There’s very little we won’t sue people for, but even I’m struggling to find a way of making hideous amounts of money out of a claim regarding the disputed ownership of a well-used Spiderman figurine.”
“But my client has been crying on the phone for 45 minutes about it, so we’ll find a way, I’m sure.”
Nursery workers across the country have reported a worrying trend among the children they care for on a daily basis.
“Disputes used to be resolved with threats of telling their mummies,” one nursery worker told us.
“But now the play room is full of toddlers screaming ‘my lawyer is going to take you and your mummy for everything you own’.”
“I’ve already been called as a witness over the a case involving a broken ashtray made out of clay that was painted really, really badly.”
“Expert witnesses earn quite a lot you know, here’s my card.”