Children regularly exposed to “tough love” principles, by parents who behave like utter bastards, are more successful in life, according to a study by think tank Demos.
The study showed that tyrannical discipline improved social skills more than a laissez-faire upbringing, which tended to breed Jeremy Kyle audience members.
It says children aged five with parents considered “frightening shits” were twice as likely to show good character capabilities.
Report author Jen Lexmond said: “It is despotic behaviour and consistent discipline that matter most.”
“In later life nothing makes an adult more determined to succeed than the deep-rooted belief they are about to get a right shoeing every time they make a mistake.”
“Look at that Harry Potter lad. Made to live under the stairs by his family, yet went on to defeat the greatest evil wizard of all time. Perfect example.”
The news has come as a shock to those parents who were actively trying to ruin the lives of their children, but have now been shown to be helping them.
One such parent told us, “It’s difficult, because I genuinely wanted to be a bastard to my kids, but now you’re telling me all this ‘screaming for doing the slightest thing wrong’ is good for them?”
“Maybe I should start molly-coddling them then? That’ll fuck the little shits right up.”
“Let’s see them become a CEO if they still go to sleep sucking their thumb when they’re thirty.”