Schools to tell depressed virgins exactly what they are missing

author avatar by 15 years ago

Parents’ right to pull their children out of sex education classes in England will end once the pupils turn 15, ensuring embarrassed teenagers will be forced to listen to Darren tell everyone about the time he got his ‘whole hand up there’.

The change means that by 2011 depressed virgins will get to hear about all of the wonderful things they aren’t even close to doing, long before their 16th birthday.

Currently some 0.4% of parents choose to use the sex education opt-out, ensuring that school bullies have some excellent material with which to taunt one child in every 200.

Good Idea

Advocates of the new lower age of compulsory sex education feel that the reform is long overdue.

NewsThump Best sellers

“There are children leaving school without the faintest idea what The Cleveland Mange Tout is.”

“The late teens are the sexual prime for many of us, yet many of them wouldn’t know the Brownsville Leek if they were on the receiving end of one.”

“Is this what we want for tomorrow’s generation?”


Unattractive virgins are said distraught at the news which will simply reinforce their inability to get laid like everybody else in the whole entire world.

“It’s bad enough that Kevin calls me Olive Oil because I’m ‘extra virgin’, but now I have to listen to him ticking off sex acts at the teacher reads them out?  I’d rather stick to really, really angry masturbation.”

NewsThump Hoodies