Kai Rooney berates midwife for failing to add extra womb-time

author avatar by 15 years ago

Wayne and Coleen Rooney celebrated the birth of their son Kai by watching him viciously berate a midwife for failing to add on enough extra time for him to fully enjoy the womb.

Kai Wayne Rooney was born at 2:20pm at Liverpool Women’s Hospital and has already begun to demonstrate the famous Rooney charm.

One hospital worker told us, “It was a beautiful moment, he took his first lungful of air and then launched into a foul-mouthed tirade at the delivery nurse.”

“He might have been nine days overdue, but he clearly didn’t agree with the decision to pluck him from his mother’s vagina.”

“He was even pointing at his wrist – without even knowing what a watch is – so he’s clearly genetically programmed to chastise authority figures at every opportunity, like all Rooneys.”

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“If ever there was any doubt he was a proper Rooney, then that one expletive-riddled cry certainly removed it.”


Family members are said to be delighted at the birth of Kai, who bookies already have at 150-1 to follow in the family footsteps and marry someone more famous than himself before ending up presenting little-watched shows on ITV2.

The name Kai has also raised speculation as to whether it has any deeper significance than its Hawaiian origin meaning ‘the sea’.

A family spokesperson told us, “Not really.  By choosing the three-letter name ‘Kai’, we’re hoping that Wayne will be able to spell it correctly at least half of the time.”

“He’s thinking of getting a tattoo, but someone will have to write it down for him or I’m pretty sure he’ll come back with the word ‘Ikea’ inked on his forearm.”