Darling to introduce more banks that will tell you ‘no chance’

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Chancellor Alistair Darling has confirmed that Lloyds, RBS and Northern Rock will be broken up allowing entirely new organisations to ask you to fill in hundreds of forms before telling you, “No, you can’t have the money.”

The move comes as the Government seeks to find ways of increasing the competition among organisations whose sole purpose is to deny you access to what is essentially your own money anyway.

“We see it as critical to the recovery of the banking sector that new organisations are given the opportunity to act like despicable scumbags to people when they really need their help.” Darling told reporters.

“The banks have had it their own way for far too long, and I am confident new blood into the sector will help redefine the ways that banks can make you feel like a tiny worthless piece of shit.”


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There has been much speculation that this move will allow a number of US banks to enter the highly lucrative UK high street sector.

One UK banking customer told us, “I heard that in the US, after they get you to fill in all the forms, and just before they tell you they’d rather set fire to themselves than lend you the money for a new car, they give you a free pen?”

“We don’t get anything like that level of service over here, so it can only be good for the consumer.”

Banking organisations from all over the world are expected to bid for the right to fleece UK customers when the fire-sale begins.

Several Italian families have expressed an interest in offering lending facilities to UK customers, and the Government is considering an offer that is considered too good to refuse.

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