7 year-olds encouraged to consider careers in shelf-stacking

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Children as young as 7 are to be offered careers guidance under a new government scheme in a move to stop the nation’s youngsters getting a bit ahead of themselves.

With falling standards ensuring that most school leavers have nothing more than a tentative grasp on the skills required for career advancement, setting expectations early is seen as a positive move.

A Department for Children spokesperson said, “By age seven it’s already extremely easy to pick out those children that will be walking to you to the paint aisle in B&Q in ten years time.”

“What good does it do to let them go through primary schools with dreams of doing anything other than low-level manual labour?”

“Yes, yes, I don’t doubt that you want to be an spaceman.  But the fact that you spend break time pulling the legs off spiders and smelling the finger you’ve just put up your own bum suggests it’s nothing but a pipe dream.”

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A professional councillor told us there had been difficulties in the pilot programme.

“I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve had to explain ‘James Bond’ isn’t a job.”

“It’s very difficult to get a seven year-old to think about long-term job stability and pension entitlements.”

However, a number of seven year-olds have embraced the new programme and have clear ambitions in their chosen careers.

“I want to be a postman,” said Kevin Jones, “My uncle is one and he spent last week at home playing xbox 360 games.”

“I’ve made it clear I’m going to be a drug dealer.” said Dwayne Simms.

“I’ve been doing it for two years and I’ve already been promoted twice.  Plus I already earn more than the guidance councillor.”

The most popular career choices for today’s 7 year-olds:

  • 23% – X Factor winner
  • 22% – Britain’s Got Talent winner
  • 14% – Secret Agent
  • 21%  – Wayne Rooney
  • 11% – Dinosaur
  • 9% – Cheryl Cole
  • 10% – Spaceman
  • 8% – Racing Driver
  • 5% – Steven Gerrard
  • 3% – Accountant