New FSA rules ensure money lent only to those who don’t want it

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New rules to make sure that loans are only given to people who have so much money they don’t need a loan, are due to be announced by the banking regulator on Monday.

The Financial Services Authority will force all banks to lend only to customers who have enough money to make the need to borrow further money, unnecessary.

An FSA spokesperson explained, “If you’re thinking of getting a loan, that is the first warning sign.  If you actually apply for one then the alarm bells really start ringing.”

A city bank manager continued, “We now have to ask, why do you want a loan?  Do you not have enough money already?  Because if you don’t have enough money already, we wouldn’t want to lend to you.”

“However, if you’ve got more money than you know what to do with, come and talk to us, because we’d be happy to lend you some more money.”

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One HSBC customer told us they were a little bit confused by the new rules after a recent incident in their local branch.

“I completely ignored the loan application literature in the bank, and so they took this as a sign I didn’t want a loan and began stuffing fifty pound notes into my pockets, even though I didn’t want them.”

“I mean, I didn’t want a loan, at first, but when they offered me all this money I figured there were plenty of things I could spend it on.”

“But as soon as I expressed an interest in actually having the loan, they changed their mind and said I no longer a fit for the profile of the loan customers they’re looking for.”

“I’ve got to be honest, it sort of feels like they’re making it up as they go along.”

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