The nation’s MPs are today looking for reasons not to open their post after Sir Thomas Legg wrote to many of them following his review their expenses for the last five years.
As MPs return to parliament to prepare for their Christmas holidays, letters are expected at the offices of those MPs who will be asked to repay sums claimed in the five years to 2009.
The expected repayment demands have caused much concern among MPs who had hoped the entire expenses scandal was behind them.
One Whitehall insider told us, “No-one wants to be the first to open their letter, they’re all hoping to be hidden away in the middle order after the press have descended on the early openers.”
“Tony McNulty ran screaming from his office with his fingers in his ears after he heard his secretary had opened his mail and was about to give him his messages.”
“Douglas Hogg told security that this morning’s mail looked ‘very suspicious’ and insisted it should be destroyed in a controlled explosion.”
“I even saw Liam Byrne frantically writing ‘return to sender’ on his mail before running to the nearest post box.”
A spokesperson for Jacqui Smith who arrived looking slightly charred and with a fire extinguisher under her arm, told us “Look, we have not received any mail this morning so there’s really no point asking any questions about it.”
“If we haven’t got any letters, then you can’t say we have done anything wrong. That’s the way it works, right?”
“Go and speak to Sir Peter Viggers, I know for a fact he’s definitely got his mail. Definitely. Quick, before he uses that lighter I lent him.”