Nick Clegg announces plan to be England’s first centre-forward astronaught

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Nick Clegg has used his keynote conference speech to tell the Liberal Democrat party about all of the roles he has absolutely every intention of fulfilling in the next 12 months.

In a speech usually reserved for rallying the troops, Clegg chose to use the occasion to reassert his position as leader of the Liberal Democrats by confirming his personal missions for the next 12 months.

“I will be going into space, definitely.” Clegg told conference attendees.

“I haven’t decided if I will fly the rocket myself, yet.  I suppose it depends on if I have any reading to do.”

“I am also looking forward to the World Cup in South Africa, as it is clear that the big centre-forward role is up for grabs, and I intend to take it.

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“The other candidates are weak and have shown little evidence they are up to the job.  I can do it, I just need people to trust I can do it.”

The speech included several other positions Clegg intends to fill this year, including Oscar winner, the final leg in GB’s 4 x 100m relay team, and Prime Minister.


The liberal Democrats Chair of the Manifesto Group, Danny Alexander, told us that although he hadn’t seen the list, he was confident Clegg’s aims were realistic and he would do everything in his power to make them happen.

“It’s my job to make Nick’s vision a reality, so what have we got?” he began.

“An astronaught you say?  Right, well, that’s a little tricky, what with all the training and that.”

“What was second?  England centre-forward?  Blimey – he went to a rugby school, I saw him kick a football once, it was like watching a baby horse take it’s first steps.”

“Perhaps we should focus on the third thing, hmm? What?  Prime Minister?”

Mr. Alexander then left in a hurry whilst demanding an aide get him Fabio Capello’s mobile number.