Liberal Democrat leader, Nick Clegg, has claimed government plans to ‘rebrand’ the ageing Trident Nuclear missile system are, ‘fucking ridiculous’.
The controversial new scheme, backed by James Arbuthnot, Tory chairman of the Commons Defence Committee, would see the UK’s 200+ strong nuclear missile system, ‘Trident’, re-branded with the ‘more manly’ name of ‘Trojan’.
Arbuthnot explained, “Trident was all about trading on the currency of fear, as was the norm back when the system was developed in the seventies.”
“And the word ‘Trident’ was deemed to be the most ‘butch’ and scary-sounding.”
“Sadly these days, with the global education system in disarray, no one really knows what the fuck a trident actually is, which is in danger of rendering our multi-billion pound defence system totally useless.”
It was this fact that caused the committee chairman to look to the more virile name of ‘Trojan’, America’s biggest-selling brand of rubber johnnies.
“In a nuclear dick-swinging competition, it’s all about who has the biggest cock and you have to have a pretty big cock to fill-out a Trojan.”
“Have you seen one of their ‘maxi-sized’ ones? They’re like bloody latex socks! A randy horse couldn’t fill it.”
Lord Robertson of Port Ellen, Nato Secretary-General and another advocate of the plan, continued, “It’s all about brand awareness.”
“I typed the word ‘Trident’ into Google and all I got back were links to a shop selling dinghy’s and a few pictures of chewing-gum packaging.”
“Of course, there were some images of Neptune’s fork, but too few to secure our position in the nuclear market place. Trojan is much better and worth every penny if you ask me.’
Clegg remains unconvinced. “It’ll be just like when they changed the name of Opal Fruits or Jif, the UK population just won’t get it. And at 20 billion quid, I think it’s a complete waste of money.”