The new season of The Apprentice was thrown into chaos last night amid rumours that all potential contestants had joined the RMT Union under the stewardship of Bob Crow.
The contestants were lured by RMT promises of zero sackings – televised or otherwise – regardless of their performance, or indeed the show’s ratings.
“As always, we will do absolutely everything in our power to help our members,” said RMT leader, Bob Crow.
“We want assurances that there will be no compulsory lay-offs, and that each contestant’s wages will increase at inflation plus 10% for the next five years.”
“My members will not work under the constant fear of losing their jobs – otherwise they’d be just like every other working person in Britain today.”
“These jobs should be guaranteed for ever, regardless of the overall economy, or their individual dishonesty and ineptitude.”
“If the show doesn’t agree, then we will grind the London’s infrastructure to complete halt until they give in.”
“Or until we make ourselves sick from scweaming at anyone who will listen.”
The programme’s executives attempted to explain the concept of the show to Mr Crow with little success.
New judge Karen Brady explained, “We told him the idea was to select one contestant after twelve weeks of rigorous competition.”
“To pick the ‘best of the best’, if you will.”
“But he insisted that he would rather die than see his members let go simply for being not very good at their job.”
“In fact, this offer of dying for his members was just about the only thing we agreed on all day.”
The last series of The Apprentice finished after twelve weeks of intense competition at which point Sir Alan Sugar behaved like every other hiring manager in the country by chosing the contestant with the biggest tits.