by Health Secretary Alan Johnson is to replace Jacqui Smith as home secretary after Prime Minister Gordon Brown asked if anyone fancied having a go at the job for the next eleven months.
Alan Johnson reluctantly took the position upon advice that it will give him access to some excellent stories he could use when he begins writing his book some time in May next year.
“He’s not got a lot to follow,” said a Whitehall insider.
“If he prevents the country descending into complete anarchy his stint will probably be seen as a success.”
Chancellor
After much speculation Alistair Darling retains his position as Chancellor after no body came forward and volunteered to take it off his hands.
“Those are the rules,” said one senior Labour source.
“If no-one wants the role you have to keep it.”
“Gordon asked the whole room, but everyone looked at the floor or checked their phones. David Miliband even pretended to faint, the git.”
“I guess nobody wants the systematic destruction of the UK economy on their CV, which is understandable, I suppose.”
Defence
John Hutton showed many of the tricks he had learned from the special forces by leaving his position as Defence secretary, and exiting the building before anyone even noticed.
“No-one wanted to argue with him anyway – he’s spent eight months working with trained killers you know.”
The Labour cabinet now appears set for the next eleven months, unless a minister finds a sure-fire way of faking their own death.
