If the system said put our heads in an oven, we would, say MPs

author avatar by 14 years ago

MPs on all sides of the House have come under increasing pressure regarding the outrageous expenses claims made over the last three years.

With the Conservatives set to bear the brunt of today’s expenses revelations, David Cameron has been quick to point out that it is the system that is broken, and not the moral compass of everyone in his party.

“We are merely unthinking, voiceless drones incapable of challenging a system so obviously capable of being corrupted for our own financial gain that our expense claims should come in an envelope branded SWAG.” said the Tory leader.

“So for that – and being caught with our noses in the trough – we are sorry.”

“But we were only doing what the system said.”

“If the system had said put our heads in an oven, we would definitely have done it.”


The focus of investigations so far has been the Government Ministers who have claimed expenses for costs such as hiring a small philipino boy to throw rose petals on the ground everywhere they went and paying for a large P Diddy-style R&B entourage for Hazel Blears.

“We have lost the confidence of the public,” said Energy Minister Ed Miliband.

“But thankfully every party has come out of this looking full of money-grabbing shitehawks, so there’ll be no need for a mass act of Harikiri among the cabinet.”

“In fact, after today’s revelations we fully expect we’ll be able to base one of our election strategies on being the party with MPs not quite as corrupt as in the other ones.”