World pig population shows signs of man-flu pandemic

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The world’s farming communities are braced for a global swine catastrophe as the first man-flu cases are reported among the pig population.

With man-flu symptoms now reported in pigs across two continents there is concern this outbreak will reach global pandemic proportions.

“It’s extremely difficult to spot,” said US pig farmer Brad Shelton, 42.

“It might look just like a minor case of the sniffles to the untrained female eye, but you can spot man-flu by the moaning, lolling about and the sufferer’s requests for sympathy from the other pigs.”

“Keep an eye out for any behaviour that suggests pig is trying to communicate a sense of their own imminent death, whilst being completely ignored by the females.”

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“If you have a sufferer it’s best to keep them isolated.”

“Not because of infection, but the symptoms seem to get worse when they know another pig can see them.”

Treatment

Veterinarians have suggested a series of steps that should be taken by you and your other pigs if you suspect your pig has man-flu.

“Female pigs would do well to recognise the suffering of the male, and do their best to comfort them.”

“If the sufferer had any unpleasant upcoming events, it is recommended you tell the pig it no longer has to do them.”

“A blanket, some soup, and complete control over the television has worked well in control groups.”

Vigilance

Doctors are recommending vigilance as they seek to eliminate the possibility of a man-flu to pig-man-flu back to man-flu crossover.

“Such a strain could be deadly,” said the UK’s Chief Medical Officer.

“True, there have not been any actual recorded fatalities from human man-flu,”

“But this is as much to do with the resilience of the male population than the frankly piss-poor medical treatment received by patients.”