US President Barack Obama has issued an executive order to the CIA and other intelligence agencies outlining a strict set of rules for future interrogations led by US personnel.
The rules dictate that the first option should always be, “ask really nicely.”
The mandate goes on to say, “And I don’t mean in a huffy way as if you’ve just been told to be nice and are doing it under protest.”
“That didn’t work when you were a teenager, and it won’t work with the most hardened terrorist minds in the world.”
No More Torture
Out go water-boarding and physical intimidation, and in come “Truth or Dare” and “You tell me one of yours, and I’ll tell you one of mine.”
“We genuinely believe this is the way forward for us as a nation,” said a White House spokesperson earlier.
“If we play nice, they will too, in all likelihood. Probably.”
The new guidelines do offer scope for escalation in interrogations should the new methods fail to deliver suitable results.
They continue, “If asking nicely isn’t working, then do not forget that most Islamic terrorists are motivated by the prospect of sex with 72 virgins.”
“So offer them a weekend in Atlantic City with a dozen whores.”
“Two dozen if any information they provide us leads to an arrest.”
Security experts are predicting the collapse of Al Qaeda within 12 months, and a significant boom in the Atlantic City prostitution trade.