Whilst scouring the planet for new and exciting carcinogens, scientists have disappointingly discovered that oral sex can cause throat cancer.
American researchers have found that the HPV virus – the cause of the majority of cervical cancers – can be transmitted via cunnilingus, and reportedly creates a higher risk of throat cancers than the traditional risks of smoking and alcohol use.
Professor Shagbut Licknot, who led the all-male research team producing the report, said, “We can clearly see a dangerously high risk of throat cancer linked to cunnilingus, and we are deeply concerned about this”.
Professor Licknot paid tribute to the ‘brave volunteers’ in the study, who had orally pleasured hundreds and hundreds of women to build the statistically significant sample.
100% safe. Fact.
He also added that his team had ‘conclusively proved’ that regular fellatio completely reduced the risk of contracting cancer.
“I’m sure that this will be reassuring news to women everywhere, they can safely suck as many cocks as they like.”
“Oh, and swallowing makes you completely cancer-resistant. Honest, would I lie to you? I’m a doctor.”
However, Doctor Hilary Bulldyke, of the Feminist Medical Association, sought to play down concern about the risks via cunnilingus.
She said, “Realistically, given the average male approach to foreplay, we can safely assume that their exposure to the HPV virus is negligable at best.”