The former Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, has stunned the Church of England by claiming to be a born-again scientist.
Williams had warned that God will not intervene to prevent humanity from wreaking devastation on the environment, and that only science can save us now.
“It appears that God doesn’t want to help us, his children. He’s happy to see them suffer a global environmental collapse.
“It’s almost as if He’s been reading the ‘Art of Good Parenting’ by Josef Fritzl.
“Or maybe He’s modelling his child care practices on those of Haringey Council?
“Let us be clear, this is no Thai massage parlour, there will be no ‘happy ending’.”
Dr Williams has worked within the church for over thirty years, but last week had a moment of blinding clarity.
“I was reading this science book, and suddenly everything around me made sense,” he said.
“Why should I spend a couple of hours a day talking to an invisible guy in the sky, when I know full well he’s not interesting in helping me?
“I could be using that time more effectively in trying to cure cancer or something.
“It feels like I’ve been wasting my life until this point, but finally, science has found me and welcomed me into it’s loving embrace.
“I’ve accepted science into my heart, and each day now has new purpose.”
Many scientific organisations have welcomed the Archbishop’s stance, but have been quick to point out that he will have to start out at the bottom of the scientific career ladder by making the tea and putting lipstick on Beagles.