Pardew withdraws confession to one thousand career rapes

author avatar by 15 years ago

Ex-footballer and currently out-of-work manager, Alan Pardew, today withdrew his confession to over one thousand rapes.

Mr Pardew, 47, was heard to describe a Michael Essien tackle as a ‘rape’ during Sunday’s Match of the Day 2 programme.

His follow up comments, “That rape was perfectly timed.  Strong, quick, and no rolling around afterwards.  I’d have been delighted with that rape myself.” were removed from the broadcast.

When questioned about his comments by the production staff, Pardew said he had committed over 1,000 rapes during his 299 game career, though he couldn’t remember all of his victims.

“I’ve probably been raped as many times as I’ve raped someone else.  You just dust yourself down and get on with it.  It’s all part of the game.”

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Police involvement

Police were called to the studio, where Pardew was unrepentant over his claims.

“I’m sure it’s over a thousand.  You can check the Opta stats if you don’t believe me.”

The investigation sought to obtain evidence of the offences, at which point Pardew admitted, “I’ve got the best ones on DVD at home.”

“You’ll have to fast forward to get to my bits, as some of the recordings have got rapes going on all over the place.”


After reviewing several of the DVDs, police decided to clarify the exact definition of the term, ‘rape’ with Mr Pardew.

“It means WHAT?!” he was heard to say.

“I suppose you’re not interested in the blow job I got after winning promotion in 2003 then?”