Premiership stars congratulated over lack of rapes

author avatar by 15 years ago

Premiership footballers have been congratulated over the lack of rapes or serious sexual assaults committed by them in the last month.

Fifa president Sepp Blatter was quick to praise what has been seen as a dramatic improvement in off-the-field behaviour of the country’s footballers in the last month.

“I think it’s a testament to their renewed sense of responsibility that they didn’t rape anyone at all during the whole of February.”

“Not even one of those drunken floozies that follow them round everywhere.”

The February statistics, released today, show a zero in the ‘sexual assault allegations’ column for the first time since November 2001.

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Ongoing improvement

The figures are seen as a sign that the elite players are finally taking their positions as role models seriously.

“Now, if we could just stop them getting arrested for being drunk and disorderly.” continued Mr. Blatter.

“But I’m not greedy.  I’m happy with the tiny steps they’ve taken this month, and I sincerely hope the trend continues.”

“Who knows,” he concluded, “2009 might be the year we go an entire season without one of our number committing a serious criminal offence of any kind.”