Human mortality still at ‘all time high’ of 100%

author avatar by 15 years ago

A new study has shown that human mortality remains at the highest rate in history, with every human being still dying.

Despite advances in modern medicine and attitudes to healthy eating, researchers have shown that 100% of humans are still dying.

The study concludes that we might as well not have bothered making the great strides in improving the average standard of living over the last century, for all the good it’s done us.

“It’s an alarming statistic,” said researcher Dr Simon Williams.

“We spend billions on the NHS every year, yet when you look at the figures, all that money has yet to save a single life. Essentially.”

The study, published by Portsmouth Polytechnic, goes on to say that the mortality rate among humans has never been higher in the entire history of mankind.


Williams continued, “Did you know that the human mortality rate is EXACTLY the same as it was in Medieval times?”

“You have as much chance of dying if you were born today, than you would have had you been born in the dark ages.”

“And yet we think we’ve progressed as a race.”

“We can’t be sure about mortality rates beyond the dark ages, as medical records only go back so far.”

“However, our statistical analysis suggests that mortality was likely to be well above 70% even as far back as the bronze age.”

The study, conducted on behalf of vitamin supplement company Eternal Life, is available from all good pharmacists.