Plans to carry a burning stick through Britain for all the proles to gawp at faced a setback today, after David Beckham assumed it must be his birthday.

While the Olympic flame has been accidentally extinguished in the past, it’s the first time such an incident has been marked with excited clapping, and demands for jelly and ice-cream.

Surrounded by people who eat canapés for a living, amongst them Princess Anne and Boris Johnson, Beckham quickly realised he must have either won the World Cup, or forgotten how old he was.

“It was very confusing”, admitted Beckham. “We were in a sort of sports place, but there wasn’t no goals, and there was this candle, but there wasn’t no cake.”

“I just done a blow, and then said a quiet wish in my head. Don’t tell no-one, but it was for world peace, some lions and more sales of my amazing underpants.”

Olympic flame

Beckham had been chosen for his easy, photogenic countenance and consistently disappointing performance at International level, both seen as core values for Britain’s Olympic hopefuls.

Organisers now admit that he should have been briefed more thoroughly, particularly when he insisted on putting on his ‘birthday suit’.

The incident, while embarrassing, wasn’t all bad news. Stock markets recovered slightly as Greece’s flame exports doubled in 24 hours, with many investors convinced there’ll be a fire sale.

Beckham apologised for his mistake, and promised to look after the replacement flame very carefully.

“For instance, I’m just popping to the bathroom with it now, to see if it wants a drink.”

With expectations of an England triumph at Euro 2012 at an all-time low, the swapsy value of Panini stickers featuring the 23-man squad has reached rock-bottom.

Collectors have revealed their reluctance to buy stickers in the fear that they could end up with a Glen Johnson or an Andy Carroll, leading to fears that lack of demand could lead to a playground crisis.

“With investment comes risk,” explained 8 year-old Ollie Hubbard.

“When you buy stickers you’re hoping for a Van Persie or a Ronaldo, but there’s always the risk of ending up with a Stewart Downing.”

“If that happens then you’re in a situation where you’ve got a holding you simply can’t shift.”

“You always end up with multiple stickers of a particular player, and if that player is someone like John Terry then you’ve got a playground currency that you can’t even give away.”

Panini Crisis

Panini have revealed that they are considering a round of quantitative easing that will involve injecting large amounts of stickers from stronger squads such as Spain and Holland into newsagents.

A Panini spokesperson revealed that the move would hopefully reduce the risk and therefore increase demand.

“If we can boost consumer confidence then we’re hopeful we can avert a catastrophe.”

The spokesperson went on to warn that injuries to the England squad prior to the tournament could cause irreparable damage.

“Things look pretty bleak at the moment, but if we have to introduce a Jordan Henderson sticker into the market, it’ll be game over.”

As football fans all over the country took turns in criticising the omission of their club’s players from England’s Euro 2012 squad, friends of Steve Harris, who has scored 228 goals in his local 5-a-side league, have slammed the decision to overlook the in-form striker.

“The four strikers in the squad have 52 goals between them this season, Steve scored that many in a week when we had back to back games against Old Man Unathletic.”, said Harris’ best friend and strike partner in the Joe’s kebab shop Daventry 5-a-side league.

“Plus, if you take into account that Rooney is suspended for the first two games, and conveniently ignore the fact that Walcott can play up front, there are only three strikers. One of who is Andy Carroll who doesn’t really count.”

Hodgson announces England squad

Some fans have defended Hodgson’s decision to include Carroll, pointing out that the Liverpool forward has hit form at just the right time after putting in a couple of good performances at the end of the season.

But those who supported Harris’ selection have pointed out that he too finished the season strongly, scoring 32 goals in his last two matches.

“Steve would have offered something different to the squad, he’s got two good feet, is quicker than he looks, and international defenders won’t be used to playing against a 19 stone lorry driver who likes a fag with his warm up.”

The one thing that everybody does seem to be able to agree on, regardless of which team they support, is that Stuart Downing should not be in the squad.

Amidst claims that her arrest is part of a witch hunt, it has been revealed that Rebekah Brooks will face trial by ducking stool.

With drowning indicating innocence and floating being a sure sign of guilt, Brooks’ legal team are pinning their hopes on her being able to breathe through her arse as well as she can talk out of it.

Brooks refutes claims that she is in league with the Devil, having resigned from News International early last year.

But several who have met her claim she enchanted them, and forced them to invite her to Christmas Dinner, or give her horses.

Central to the trial are claims that Brooks ‘can hear voices’, particularly those of celebrities, politicians and dead children.

But while few believe that a witch trial can ever be fair, most agree that it should make brilliant telly.

Brooks trial

Amnesty International has so far refused to comment on proceedings, while a spokesman for Liberty claimed Brooks had ‘turned him into a frog’.

Brooks had hoped for a defence from her coven in Chipping Norton, but they’ve recently been struck dumb, for some mysterious reason.

Brooks could be acquitted if there is a lack of evidence against her, a fact she is all too aware of.

“As an editor, I know it’s important not to let facts get in the way of a good story”, revealed Brooks.

“But there are certain double standards to maintain.”

“Being a journalist can often be something of a dark art, which is why I would never reveal my sorceries.”

The parents of Madeleine McCann have been given the clearest indication yet that their daughter might be alive after psychic Derek Acorah claimed that his spirit guide told him ‘She’s not on this earth any more’.

The TV medium is coincidentally promoting an upcoming tour in which he will convince morons that their dead relatives spend the afterlife hanging around small theatres in Grimsby on a Thursday night.

Acorah, 62, revealed that the spirits had urged him to go on tour, so they could pass on messages to their loved ones.

“They said that they wanted me to offer comfort and provide reasonably priced merchandise, such as signed photos and cufflinks, that will be available in the foyer,” he told us.

“They were also insistent that the people they’d left behind wouldn’t feel comfortable with me being a vessel for spirits at no cost, so they told me to set ticket prices at £15 with a £2.50 booking fee.”

Acorah’s spirit guide

The former star of Living TV’s Most Haunted, who has been criticised for only being able to contact spirits with Liverpudlian accents, insisted that the timing of his claims regarding Madeleine McCann have nothing to do with generating interest for his tour.

“It’s ridiculous to suggest that I’m sad enough to use this as a way of promoting my tour that starts at The Playhouse in Portrush on Thursday,” he said.

“The suggestion I’m an insensitive self-publicist, who will say anything to sell tickets is absolutely outrageous.”

“If you attend one of my shows for which tickets are still available at venues in Folkestone, Southport and Saffron Walden, you will see that nothing could be further from my mind.”

“You could also buy one of my books or DVDs for further evidence,” he added before letting out a groan and fainting.

Joey Barton was in the custody of Californian State police last night after launching a prolonged and vicious assault on Twitter Inc’s main Java server.

The QPR midfielder reportedly ‘lost his cool’ after receiving a ‘Twitter is Over Capacity’ message on his iPhone, accompanied by a picture of a whale.

The player is said to have stormed out of his mansion in Godalming, Surrey, telling friends he was going to ‘sort it’, before asking if one of them would tape Match of The Day #motd

Two hours later CCTV cameras spotted a red-faced Barton in a Smiths T-shirt preparing to board a jet to San Francisco, where the company’s main Java Server “Ruby” is located.

On arrival at Twitter’s main HQ, Barton posed as an IT student on a work placement to blag his way past reception, but workers became suspicious on hearing Liverpool-born Barton’s distinctive pronunciation of the word “technology”.

Barton Twitter outburst

Alas, Barton’s cover was soon blown by tech-savvy IT Manager, Steve Wilshaw.

When Wilshaw quizzed the troubled star as to how much experience he had of Java, Barton replied that it was ‘dead dead hot in the summer’.

Wilshaw tweeted, “@Joey7Barton had some obvious issues with being forced to outline complex philosophical concepts in just 140 chara….”

“@Joey7Barton then tweeted that I was a #bell-end before head-butting me and causing over five hundred thousand dollars worth of damage to our server using his elbow.”

Meanwhile, Twitter users worldwide reported problems such as ‘sluggish downloads’ and ‘timelines covered in spittle.’

Although Barton denies the assault, his case was considerably weakened after he underwent surgery to remove three capacitors and a motherboard from his forearm.

As plans were unveiled for a minimum 50p charge per unit of alcohol in Scotland, residents have insisted that in return they’d like home-brewing to become a key skill for all young Scots.

The price move is seen as a way of combating the desire of Scottish people to drink to the point where they no longer realise they’re in Scotland.

The change will see even the rankest four pack of beer costing £3.52, ensuring that even mouthfuls of flat, warm home-brew now has a certain appeal among Scottish drinkers.

Scotsman Simon McDonald told us, “Why would I pay that much for cheap supermarket lager when you can teach your children to make it at home?”

“It’s a key skill for all Scottish children that I’m sure we could make room for.  I mean, who really needs Pythagorus’ theorem?”

“Sure, child made home brew is cloudy, warm, and tastes disgusting, but if you add enough sugar it might get to 8%”

Scottish alcohol price

Scottish politicians have pointed to the success of price increases on cigarettes in eliminating smoking

“I think we can all see how artificially raising the price of fags has made smoking a thing of the past.”

“The last time I saw someone smoking was 2009 – what more proof do you need that charging more for stuff works?”

Women across the nation have pointed their partners to the Britain’s Got Talent final as the perfect example of why testicles are merely a hindrance if you want to reach your true potential.

After an animal won the show as a result of hundred of years of captive breeding, training it didn’t sign up for, and the removal of its testicles, female experts insisted this particular approach is as a stone cold recipe for success.

Female viewer Sharon Williams told us, “Are you telling me Pudsey would have been on that stage if he’d still got his two little tiny brains controlling his behaviour? Of course he wouldn’t.”

“He’d have been at home with his paw in his pants making snide remarks about the whole spectacle. Probably.”

“I’m just saying that men would be happier, more controllable, and ultimately more successful if us let us cut their bollocks off.”

Britain’s Got Talent final

However men have countered by saying that maybe all it needs for them to become successful is for them to go about their work when completely naked.

Male viewer Mike Williams told us, “Sharon might think it’s because Pudsey has no testicles, but personally I feel like his success is down to his freedom to perform unencombered by clothing.”

“That’s why he reached the top, definitely.”

“I’m pretty sure women would break through this glass ceiling I keep hearing about if they started working in the nude.”

“Try it, I bet I’m right.”

*Did you vote for a dog? Then you definitely need this BGT T-shirt

After Manchester City clinched the Premier League title on a dramatic last day of the season, fans of supporting whichever club is winning have begun looking for ways to justify their temporary unconditional love for the new champions.

29 year-old Chris Stephenson, who revealed that his cousin saw Oasis at Glasgow’s King Tut’s Wah Wah Hut before they were famous, told us that he couldn’t wait for next season to start.

“I’m definitely mad for that….I mean mad for it,” he enthused.

“I’ve been a Man City fan since my dad took a piss next to Eddie Large at Stafford services in 1997.”

“I’m City till I die depending on where they are in the league around Christmas time.”

Manchester City Champions

Amongst other fans who have mysteriously started referring to their siblings as ‘our kid’ is 34 year-old David Harris from Exeter.

“What a great day it’s been for not having to go through the misery of supporting your local club,” he said.

“I reckon I’ll be supporting Man City for a long time.”

“Having said that, I’ll be making a final decision on where my loyalties lie after the Chelsea v Bayern Munich Champion’s League final next weekend.”

A fairytale end to the Premier League season in which Manchester City showed how dreams can come true if you have billions of pounds, has already inspired school teams across the nation to begin looking for talented children from overseas.

City claimed their first title in 44 years armed with little more than all the money they could possibly want, and the ability to buy any player they felt like.

PE teacher Simon Williams told us, “Today is an historic one, and Man City’s victory is an inspiration to all of us who work in sports at the grassroots level.”

“We’ve already begun bringing in athletic children from across Europe, and I’m confident that next season our school team will be the very best an education budget can afford.”

“Sure, hard work is still going to part of the coaching process, but in importance it’s now some way behind a fat wallet.”

“Fortunately there are some pretty athletic kids available from the French school system if you know where to look, and Africa is a positive gold mine if you’ve got a few quid to spend – which we have thanks thanks to some cuts we’ve made in the science curriculum.”

Buying a winning team

Meanwhile junior football teams throughout the UK have begun ‘living the dream’ by offering to buy children from other teams.

As one coach explained, “Manchester City have shown the way, and right now every junior footballer dreams of being part of an expensively assembled plaything for someone with more money than sense.”

“It’s what modern sport is all about.”