World

Sepp Blatter sets out to shake hands with all the black people

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After claiming that racism in football doesn’t actually exist, FIFA president has today set out to shake hands with all of the black people so we can just forget about it and move on with our lives.

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Fears for Italian economy as Berlusconi faces cash demand from bunga bunga organiser

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There are renewed fears for the Italian economy this morning after it was reported that prime minister Silvio Berlusconi was asked for cash payment in advance to organise his latest bunga bunga party.

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Conspiracy theorists claim Mars mission simulation is a hoax

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Conspiracy theorists have today insisted that the Mars500 simulation at a Moscow Institute never took place, and that the participants never even went near a Mars mission simulation.

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Judge in Pakistan cricket trial accused of sentence-fixing

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The judge in this week’s cricket no-ball trial has himself been sensationally accused of a betting scam after bookmakers disclosed that a suspicious pattern of betting had emerged on the length of the sentences handed out to the Pakistan bowlers.

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Katie Price accuses Kim Kardashian of lifestyle plagiarism

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Katie Price has launched a scathing attack on US reality TV thing Kim Kardashian, accusing her of completely copying her media-hungry talent-bereft existence.

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Chinese secret services welcome BT’s accelerated rollout of high-speed broadband

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The Chinese government has welcomed BT’s accelerated rollout of high-speed fibre across the UK, insisting it currently takes them far too long to download sensitive secrets over the country’s current infrastructure.

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Halloween Killer Michael Myers’ family insist Haddonfield police used excessive force

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The family of probably dead serial killer Michael Myers say they ‘want answers’ after a succession of films showed him being hit, manhandled and shot dead several times over by police and his regular psychiatrist Dr Sam Loomis.

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Seven billion people ‘not a problem’ if Eamonn Holmes stops eating, claim experts

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Planet Earth has enough resources to feed everyone if Eamonn Holmes stops shovelling food into his mouth, it emerged today.

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EU considering ban on excessive use of Caps Lock

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Members of the public who were calling for a referendum on the UK’s membership of the European Union have been dealt a massive blow after it was revealed that plans are being considered by the EU to ban the excessive use of caps Lock when trying to emphasise a point.

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Blackpool urged to build decomposing dictator attraction

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In order to improve its international appeal and address its lack of visitors from abroad, Blackpool’s tourist board has been urged to build a new decomposing dictator attraction.

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