World

Skripal poisoning suspects ‘just massively into Salisbury’, insists Vladimir Putin

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The two suspects at the centre of the Skripal scandal are just ordinary tourists who love everything Salisbury has to offer, according to Vladimir Putin.

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Sweden unveils new tolerant, laid-back kind of fascist

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Sweden’s elections have revealed a significant percentage of the country’s voters are chilled-out, sexy, far-right extremists.

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Nike placates protesters with their new line of ‘Air Trumps’

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Nike has released a line of footwear to address mass protests against their sponsorship of NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick.

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CIA criticised after adding to list of acceptable torture techniques with ‘Vegan Dinner Party’

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The CIA has updated its list of acceptable enhanced interrogation techniques to include a vegan dinner party, much to the disgust of human rights organisations across the globe.

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White House advertises internship focussed solely on gathering quotes that the President isn’t an idiot

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White House officials have revealed that they are spending so much time gathering quotes to release to the press insisting that the President is not an idiot, that they have been forced to hire someone specifically for the role.

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French Navy thanks Nigel Farage for helpfully suggesting they intervene

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As the diplomatic rift over scallop fishing escalates, the French Navy has said it would intervene to settle matters and wished to thank prominent British right-wingers for constantly clamouring for the navy to be sent in.

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Saudi Arabian government are ‘totally awesome, lovely people’ declare nervous satirists

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With satirists now facing potential jail time in Saudi Arabia for making a few pointed jokes, online comedy writers around the world have been quick to praise the Saudi Arabian government.

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Steve Bannon supporters mistaking ‘freedom of speech infringement’ with ‘everyone thinks he’s a dick’

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Supporters of Steve Bannon have today insisted the revocation of his invitation to speak at an event arranged by the New Yorker magazine is an infringement on his freedom of speech, rather than a public demonstration of the fact that lots of people think he’s a dick.

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American racists to start burning crosses made from Nike trainers

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Racists across America are updating the long-held practice of burning crosses made of wood, to burn crosses made of Nike trainers after the sports company used Colin Kaepernick in its latest advertising campaign.

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‘Is any child safe online?’ asks Daily Mail, as web team upload photos of celebrity child in bikini

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The Internet publishing team at the Daily Mail are refusing to let their own front page story about child grooming overshadow a cracking photo of Harper Beckham in a bikini.

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