World

Polar bears keen to know if Russian scientists have heard of Jesus Christ

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A group of missionary polar bears have besieged Russian scientists in a remote weather station, in an attempt to introduce them to their lord and saviour Jesus Christ.

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Wes Craven retires to your dreams on a permanent basis

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Horror film director Wes Craven has taken up residence in your dreams on a permanent basis, it was announced this morning.

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Gun control lobbyists volunteer to go round and take them off people personally

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Gun control lobbyists in the USA have pledged to go and collect the most dangerous firearms in person if they are banned, we can report today.

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Countries with gun controls continue to be at risk from tyranny, insist NRA

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America gun enthusiasts have again warned all countries with strong gun-control laws that they are in danger of oppression at any moment from a tyrannical government.

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Girls are stupid and they smell, claims Donald Trump

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Donald Trump has launched another furious attack on girls claiming that they are stupid and they smell ‘gross, like doodies’.

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News media seemingly ‘thrilled’ by double murder live on TV

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Both television and print news are reported to be ‘thrilled’ by the murders of two people on live TV yesterday.

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NRA calls for more heavily armed reporters

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The National Rifle Association has claimed today’s tragic shooting of two reporters wouldn’t have happened if America’s reporters were better armed.

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ISIS defeat old, empty building

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ISIS have announced their glorious triumph over a really old, empty building.

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Great Crash of China only man-made object visible from space

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The Great Fall of China is the only man-made object visible from space, astronauts aboard the ISS have confirmed today.

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Britain begins panic-buying Chinese takeaways

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British citizens have begun stockpiling delicious Chinese takeaways amid fears of collapse of the Chinese market.

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