World

Dentist apologises for not killing more ‘deadly’ lions

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World-renowned dentist and lion murderer Walter Palmer has apologised for only killing one dangerous man-eating lion.

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Female Panda turns 37, declared ‘over the hill’ by celebrity magazine

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The world’s oldest female panda has been described as looking ‘tired, flabby and past her best’ by a wretched-yet-popular magazine.

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Tony the Tiger shoots dentist while on holiday in Minnesota

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Popular cereal mascot, Tony the Tiger, relaxed on holiday this week by shooting a dentist in the face with a crossbow.

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US National Rifle Association calls for ban on ‘cinemas’

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After another fatal shooting at a US cinema, the National Rifle Association has insisted that the only way to prevent further tragedies of this nature is to ban cinemas.

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Earth 2.0 equally awful

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Scientists involved in the search for planets beyond our solar system have found the most Earth-like planet yet, and have predicted that it just as unbearable as our own world.

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#PiersMorgansLifeMatters hashtag fails to catch on

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The ‘Piers Morgan’s life matters’ twitter hashtag campaign has completely failed to catch on, we can report today.

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Divorce lawyers start bidding process for hacked Ashley Madison membership list

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The bidding for the hacked membership list of adulterers website Ashley Madison has begun in earnest, according to sources today.

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Miley Cyrus’ tongue achieves full sentience

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It has been revealed that Miley Cyrus’ tongue has become self-aware, and is now a functioning sentient lifeform in its own right.

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Australia demands ‘Shark Punching’ be introduced as an Olympic Sport

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Australia wants ‘shark punching’ to be included in the 2016 Olympics, they have announced this afternoon.

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Shark survives attack by Australian surfer

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Shark Simon Williams has spoken of his relief at surviving a potentially life-threatening encounter with Australian surfer, Mick Fanning.

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