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Vatican reeling as DNA tests show communion wafers contain 0% Christ

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The Vatican is this morning facing a further crisis after routine DNA tests revealed that the communion wafers used in Sunday mass contain 0% of the body and blood of Christ.

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Vatican officials caught swiftly removing Justin Bieber posters from official Pope residence

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As Benedict XVIs reign as Pope came to an end, Vatican officials moved quickly to remove traces of the former Pope’s taste in decor.

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Pope delights audience at farewell gig with classic hits about gays and condoms

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Pope Benedict XVI has delighted the thousands of fans who turned out for his farewell gig with an impromptu performance of his classic hits ‘homosexuals are an abomination’ and ‘Jesus hates Johnnies’.

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Druids make hostile take-over bid for struggling Vatican

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Market-leading religion Roman Catholicism Inc. could be facing its biggest test yet; a hostile take-over bid from a group of private equity druids.

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‘I thought they were underage’ insists Cardinal Keith O’Brien

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Britain’s most senior Roman Catholic cleric has resigned, following allegations that he tried it on with males well past the age of consent.

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Vatican criticises Cardinal for focussing abuse on ‘unpredictable’ adults

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Following allegations that Britain’s most senior Roman Catholic behaved ‘inappropriately’ towards four priests in the 1980′s, the Vatican has criticised the accused for focussing his abuse solely on grown adults.

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Hunt still on for nice South African

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As the lead investigator in the Oscar Pistorius case was revealed to be a murder suspect himself, experts predicted we may never find a nice South African.

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Police uncover ‘working pair of legs’ in Pistorius wardrobe

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Police in South Africa have discovered more damning evidence against Oscar Pistorius, in the form of two perfectly functional legs in the back of his wardrobe.

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Mossad accuses Iran of developing deadly meteorites underground

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Israel’s intelligence service, Mossad, has claimed to have found large amounts of rock beneath Iran, clear evidence that the country is developing a deadly meteorite capability.

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Russian meteorite found to be 30% horse

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The Food Standards Agency (FSA) has addresses criticism of its role in the horsemeat scandal by claiming that the meteor which fell over Russia’s Ural mountains contained no more than 30% horse.

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