World

Ukraine rebels ‘apologise’ after flight recorders used to tape Top of the Pops

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Ukrainian rebels have apologised after the black box flight recorders from the downed flight MH17 were accidentally used to record Top of the Pops repeats.

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Cameron urges worldwide boycott of Russian dolls

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Prime Minister David Cameron, in response to Russia’s latest fascist groove thang, is calling on nations to stop purchasing Russian dolls, which get progressively smaller as you open them up.

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Female church representatives to finally push for equal right to abuse kids

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After the Church of England voted to allow female bishops, Christian organisations around the world have been encouraged to allow women to partake in the last of their ‘male only’ rituals.

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Putting your entire life on Facebook ‘not compulsory’, finds study

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Millions of Facebook users were shocked today at the publication of a new legal investigation which revealed that publishing everything you ever do on the social network isn’t ‘compulsory’.

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Owning guns and shooting people doesn’t make Pistorius crazy, insist NRA

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The Court-ordered report concluding that Oscar Pistorius was suffering no mental disorder has been welcomed by the National Rifle Association who claim it is insane not to own lots of guns to defend yourself.

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Hitler was the victim of ‘bad press’, claim Uruguayans

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Adolf Hitler was a jolly nice fellow whose reputation as a mass murdering brute is the result of bad coverage in the English press, according to the entire population of Uruguay.

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Luis Suarez places order for medium-rare Colombian central defender

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Uruguayan forward Luis Suarez has requested a medium-rare central defender for his team’s last 16 World Cup class with Columbia.

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Roy Hodgson assisting with Iraq ‘early exit’ strategy

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Sources close to the Pentagon revealed on Monday that Roy Hodgson is being consulted on the creation of an early exit strategy for US forces in Iraq, following their redeployment last week.

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England World Cup pitch treated by ‘same people who did Rooney’s hair’

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In the countdown to England’s first World Cup game on Saturday, panicky Brazilian officials have asked Wayne Rooney for the phone number of the people who carried out his hair transplant.

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US military refusing to ‘rule anything out’ in bid to topple Sepp Blatter

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The footballing world has called upon the US military to remove the corrupt regime of FIFA bastard Sepp Blatter, it has emerged.

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