World

Zayn Malik leaving One Direction foretold by Nostradamus

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An ancient manuscript from Nostradamus predicted Zayn Malik leaving One Direction nearly 500 years before he was even born.

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Pandas given survival lifeline as scientists discover they are delicious

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Pandas could become a common sight on farms across the world after scientists discovered just how tasty they are.

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Argentina urged to drop Falklands claim in return for Isle of Wight

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The British government is set to offer Argentina sovereignty over the Isle of Wight in return for finally recognising the Falklands as British territory.

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Utah turns to death by meat cleaver as firing squads run low on bullets

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Death row inmates in the American state of Utah face the prospect being hacked to death by enthusiastic executioners after a shortage of specialist bullets means firing squads may no longer be an option.

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Perverts optimistic over Taylor Swift’s purchase of ‘.porn’ domain name

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Taylor Swift’s purchase of the TaylorSwift.porn and TaylorSwift.adult Internet domain names has seen optimism amongst perverts reach feverish levels.

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Texas passes bill to install gun vending machines in schools

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The state of Texas has passed new legislation to make schools safer by installing firearm vending machines in all campus buildings, we can report this morning.

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International Day of Happiness ruined by everyone and everything

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Your International Day of Happiness is not going to plan because of everything you have to do and everyone you have to see, according to sources today.

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One Direction stars warned not to do ‘music’ in Manilla

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Zayn Malik and Louis Tomlinson have been asked to post bonds of 200,000 pesos each for a special work permit ahead of the group’s visit to the city, conditional on them making no attempt to do their ‘music’.

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Club 18-30 to scrap its package holidays to Syria

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Club 18-30 has announced that it will no longer offer its popular Syria packages.

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Man in Primark sweater joins boycott of Dolce & Gabbana

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Your insistence that you will never again buy an item from Dolce & Gabbana has made no difference whatsoever after it was revealed you’re not a moron with more money than sense.

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