World

Harvard students to get lessons in angry shouting and pointing

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Students at Harvard University are to become skilled in angrily pointing at their watches and shouting at people fifty yards away, thanks to a teaching position given to Sir Alex Ferguson.

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Russian troops storm Crimean Laser Quest

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Russian troops have seized control of a Crimean Laser Quest facility at Feodosia, the third such attack in 48 hours, marking a dangerous escalation in the conflict.

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Lonely God relieved as Fred Phelps becomes Heaven’s first qualifying resident

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God has admitted he’s delighted to finally have someone to live with him in Heaven, after the death of Westboro Baptist Church leader Fred Phelps.

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US military stealth bombers to try turning off transponders instead

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The US defence department has said it will put on hold its billion dollar investment in stealth technology, after it turned out planes which switch off their transponder become invisible.

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Putin picks up Oscar for ‘Best Invasion’

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Russian leader Vladimir Putin has seen off the competition by staging the best military occupation of a sovereign state since the illegal invasion of Iraq.

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Russian airport occupation ‘no match’ for British stag party

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Russian-backed militia are preparing to retreat from Crimea’s main airport after encountering several well-oiled members of a British stag party.

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Facebook ‘Lookback’ condensing 10 years of utter tedium into 60 second video

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Facebook has celebrated its 10th birthday by successfully condensing your extremely tedious online existence into a mawkish 60 second video.

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Err, yeah, doves definitely go to heaven, confirms Pope

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Doves thrown by men in dresses into the mouths of predators will definitely go to heaven, according to the Pope this morning.

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Applications to be Justin Bieber’s cellmate top one million

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Prisoners in the Florida penal system have formed an orderly queue one million strong to be cellmates with recently arrested Justin Bieber.

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Planet strongly suggesting Florida reclassify drunk driving a capital offence

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The United States’ eagerness to kill people who break the law suddenly seems perfectly reasonable according to people learning of the arrest of Justin Bieber today.

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