UK

Painting Boris as sex-crazed loon damages him, insist people who’ve learnt f*ck-all from last three years

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Some people with access to newspapers and televisions reckon that panting Boris Johnson as a sex maniac will actually make a difference to his supporters.

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Jamie Oliver scares off home intruder by offering to cook him a healthy meal

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Jamie Oliver has been praised for his quick thinking and creative method for scaring off a burglar.

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Man’s laundry situation so desperate he’s wearing Christmas present from in-laws

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Due to a complete lack of clean clothes a man has been forced to wear that awful shirt his wife’s parents bought him last Christmas.

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Middle-aged urged to have two alcohol-free hours a week

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A new campaign is urging people between the ages of 45 and 65 to have regular “drink-free” hours.

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Tory party facing split between MPs who dislike PM’s Chequers Brexit plan and those who hate it

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Conservative party MPs cannot agree on whether Theresa May’s Brexit plan is poor, or an absolute crock of shite.

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I’m not sulking, I’m brooding, explains man

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A man who has been sat silently in the spare room for over an hour following an argument with his spouse has confirmed that, actually, he is not sulking, he’s brooding.

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Boris Johnson confident of divorce deal in which he still retains full access to marital bed

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Boris Johnson is confident his split with wife of 25 years will see him negotiate a divorce deal in which he retains full conjugal rights, without having to pay anything for that privilege.

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EU must impose immediate sanctions on Russia insists country that just told the EU to f*ck off

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The UK is pressing fellow EU member states for tougher sanctions against Russia in the hope that they’ve forgotten the small matter of us recently telling them all to f*ck off.

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Tories confirm they don’t have to deal with anti-Semitism because they’re not Labour

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The Tory Party has robustly responded to demands that it should investigate claims of anti-Semitism within the party by stating that it doesn’t need to bother to do that because it’s not the Labour party.

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Boris Johnson’s wedding vows discovered on the side of a bus

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A bus declaring Boris Johnson’s promise to remain faithful to his wife has been found in a scrapyard.

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