UK

Man who lied to impress wealthy client definitely NOT lying to impress Parliamentary Committee

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Cambridge Analytica’s Alexander Nix has told a committee of MPs the exact truth today, it has emerged.

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Paul Dacre retires from Daily Mail to spend more time on his racism

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The editor of the Daily Mail has signalled the end of an era after he announced he was going to leave the world of tabloid editing and devote himself fully to his first love; racial hatred.

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Syphilis and Gonorrhoea to be named as ‘most improved diseases’ at national awards ceremony

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This year’s British Awards for Infectious Diseases (BAID) is set to be dominated by comeback kings Syphilis and Gonorrhoea, following their fantastic performances to become the most improved diseases of the year, with increases of 20 and 22 per cent respectively.

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Morrissey releases meat-themed cookbook in attempt to alienate his remaining fans

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80s pop star Morrissey has today released a cookbook entitled “Steakhead – Meat isn’t murder, it’s delicious” in a desperate move to stop even his most ardent fans from liking him.

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Politicians confident that snarky questions will reform banking industry

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In a victory for the common man, Paul Pester, CEO of Lloyds TSB, has been forced to interrupt his annual yacht-buying spree and be asked emotive rhetorical questions about the catastrophic IT failure that beset his customers.

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Heathrow’s third runway to be ready just as visitors stop coming to Brexit Britain

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The government has approved a third runway at Heathrow, just as the country is becoming a less attractive place to live and visit.

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‘Would you like an ice cream?’ asks parent who really fancies an ice cream

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A parent has pretended they were giving their child a treat when in fact they just wanted some ice cream themselves, according to reports this morning.

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Incomprehensible robotic voice apologising for dismal train service makes everything better, confirm Rail passengers

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Rail passengers have confirmed that the implementation of an incomprehensible robotic voice on trains and platforms apologising for delayed, cancelled, and overcrowded services has made the entire situation much better. The train service has been in disarray across the country following the implementation of a new timetable that bears no resemblance to fact. Following two […]

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Please don’t make us sit with mummy on flights, beg Kirstie Allsopp’s children

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Kirstie Allsopp’s offspring have confirmed that sitting in a different part of the plane from their mother during a flight is one of the highlights of their family holiday, and please can it be left that way.

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Shopper who insisted on using correct change causes three-day queue

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A number of supermarket customers were reported missing by their loved ones after a tedious person counted out the exact change to pay for their groceries.

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