UK

Alex Ferguson drops Howard Webb for crucial derby match

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Alex Ferguson has controversially dropped talismanic referee Howard Webb from Man Utd’s starting 12 for the crucial Premier League clash with Man City, and will instead hand a start to Andre Marriner.

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#helpineedanambulance Hashtag to Replace 999 Service by 2014

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Members of the public will be encouraged to Tweet for an ambulance under wide-ranging reforms announced by the government over the weekend.

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Nadine Dorries highlights David Cameron and George Osborne as a compelling case for abortion

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Conservative backbencher Nadine Dorries, who has previously campaigned against abortion, has had a change of heart after highlighting that the country would be a better place if David Cameron and George Osborne had been terminated during pregnancy.

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Liverpool’s giant street girl marionette ‘already up the duff’

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The 30 foot street-theatre marionette of a young Liverpool girl is expecting her first child in November, according to experts.

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Juan Mata to celebrate every time ball crosses half way line

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After Chelsea’s Juan Mata ‘scored’ a ‘goal’ in the FA Cup semi-final even though he knew the ball had not gone over the line, Chelsea have urged him and his team-mates to do the same every time the ball goes over the half way line tonight.

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Fracking to cause potential widespread improvements to Blackpool

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Controversial gas extraction technique ‘fracking’ has been given the go-ahead after experts concluded any further earthquakes in the Blackpool can only be a good thing.

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Tom Daley to be partnered at London 2012 by Ashley Young

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Diving prodigy Tom Daley looks set to score gold at this summer’s London Olympics, after coaches revealed that Manchester United’s England winger Ashley Young has agreed to partner him in the synchronised diving event.

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Damien Comolli appointed Director of Talent Acquisition for travelling circus

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After his sacking by Liverpool, former Director of Football Damien Comolli has landed on his feet with a new role as the Head of Talent Acquisition for Bozo’s Travelling Circus.

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UK already wondering how to translate ‘light pollution’ into a sick day

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As reports emerged claiming that light pollution in the skies of the UK is at record levels, work-shy layabouts began using this information to concoct barely plausible excuses to take a sick-day.

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BBC Breakfast presenters ‘sat in tin bath and drank from hosepipes’

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The BBC has apologised to viewers in the South of England, after presenter Bill Turnbull gave a ‘brazenly Northern’ performance from their new facilities in Salford.

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