UK

Everton reward violent fan by banning him from watching Everton

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A violent Everton fan’s life ban from Goodison Park is a blessing in disguise, it has emerged.

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You have no idea how stupid my electorate is, May tells EU leaders while asking for help

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At a working dinner for the EU council, Theresa May begged the 27 leaders to give her something she could use to “make the curtain-twitchers believe they’ve got one up on Johnny Foreigner”.

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Americans enjoying unusually long gap between mass shootings

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Americans who don’t like being shot are currently enjoying an unusually long gap between mass shootings.

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The UK only has two cities in it, Foo Fighters confirm

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It’s possible to tour the entire UK by only visiting London and Manchester, according to the Foo Fighters this morning.

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Scumbag state school students still somehow getting places at Oxbridge, complain posh people

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State school pupils are still somehow getting around 20% of places at Oxford and Cambridge Universities, despite constant attempts by the Conservative Party to limit their chances.

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‘Smacking never did me any harm’ argue parents compelled to hit their own children

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Smacking has been banned in Scotland, leading to the age-old debate around whether or not it’s alright to assault a child.

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Government to reduce crime by redefining it

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With the number of crimes recorded annually in England and Wales rising by 13% in the last 10 years, the government has revealed plans to change its definition.

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Bill Clinton gets through Downing Street meeting without trying to fuck anything

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Former President Bill Clinton has visited 10 Downing Street without defiling it.

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Dog steadfastly maintains eye-contact throughout entire shit

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Pug, Basco Williams, has ensured unbroken eye contact with his owner, Simon, during his latest bowel movement, according to reports.

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Harry locked Prince Philip in a cupboard as Meghan Markle met with Queen, say palace staff

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When it comes to his girlfriend meeting his grandparents, Prince Harry was evidently taking no chances.

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