UK

Daily Mail insists Google is absolutely necessary when learning how to drive a car into people

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Driving a car into crowds of people is a terrorist tactic for which you need complex instructions from the Internet, according to the Daily Mail.

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Adrian Chiles criticised over failure to condemn attack carried out by fellow Adrian

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TV and radio presenter Adrian Chiles has been roundly criticised over his failure to condemn a terrorist attack that was carried out by another Adrian.

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Government salutes the bravery of the people whose funding they’ve just cut

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The government has praised the police for protecting the public despite savage cuts they have imposed upon them.

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FBI investigations only bad when they’re looking into someone else, insist Trump supporters

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The FBI investigating the actions of individuals is only indicative of their guilt when they are investigating someone else, according to Trump supporters today.

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London terror alert raised to ‘severe’ after man tries to start conversation on the Tube

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London is quaking with fear today after a man tried to talk to the person sitting next to him on the Jubilee Line last night.

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‘Clean up my filthy excrement foolish human’ laughs tiny despotic dog

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A small dog has mercilessly mocked a human being for having to clean up the animal’s mess.

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‘University of Life’ churns out another graduating class chock-full of cyber-bigots

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The latest figures have shown that the University of Life has once again delivered a graduating class full to the brim with the finest purveyors of racist social media commentary.

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NewsThump’s ‘Do the Muslims!’ spam filter breaks down through overuse

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The spam filter that prevents all email, facebook messages and tweets demanding that NewsThump should ‘do the Muslims’ from arriving at NewsThump Towers has broken through overuse.

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Terrorists told that the only way to make Londoners shit themselves is to open a dodgy kebab shop

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A dodgy 3am kebab is the only known way of making a Londoner shit themselves, terrorists have been told today.

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Terrorists outraged by calm and reasonable response

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International terror groups have demanded an intemperate, ill-considered and short-termist response to their crimes this morning.

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