UK

British people who say ‘asshole’ instead of ‘arsehole’ are ‘massive twats’ finds study

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A study exploring the ever-evolving quirks of British speakers of the English language has confirmed that those who choose to say the invasive American ‘asshole’ over the classic British ‘arsehole’ are ‘massive twats of the highest order’.

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Man still wondering why being on the property ladder is so important

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A man with a roof over his head and food to eat is wondering why it’s so vital he purchases a house.

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Millionaire suicide bomber thought to have received poor financial advice

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British suicide bomber Jamal Al Halrith may have received unsound financial advice prior to blowing himself up in a jeep.

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BBC launch inquiry after Fiona Bruce eats Greggs Steak Bake during Six O’clock News

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The BBC has launched an immediate inquiry into the circumstances surrounding Fiona Bruce devouring a meat-filled pastry while reading the Six O’clock News bulletin.

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Joey Barton to be punished less harshly than man who ate a pie

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The FA has confirmed that eating a Cornish Pasty will damage your career more than common assault, placing thousands of bets and taking diving lessons off Tom Daley.

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£350m per week saved from EU to be spent implementing NHS cuts

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The cost of implementing swingeing cuts to NHS hospitals across the country will be covered by the £350m previously spent on the EU, according to reports today

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NASA’s ‘discovery beyond our solar system’ will reveal location of Chris Waddle’s Italia 90 penalty

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After NASA announced a press conference to reveal a ‘discovery beyond our solar system’, sources reported that they may have finally found Chris Waddle’s World Cup semi-final penalty shoot-out miss from Italia ’90.

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Court of Appeal delivers yet another blow to white middle-class London-based heterosexual couples

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A London couple has been told they are not allowed to enter into a civil partnership in what white middle-class London-based heterosexual couples are calling ‘another example of the disgraceful prejudicial treatment we encounter on a daily basis’.

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You can’t make a shitload of money from privatisation without breaking a few hospitals, confirms Jeremy Hunt

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Following the publication of a report by the British Medical Association that has warned that the NHS is at ‘breaking point’, the ever popular Health Secretary has expressed delight that everything is going according to plan.

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House of Lords to take lead from ‘the people’ in Brexit debate and be wilfully ignorant and a bit racist

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The House of Lords is to give it’s verdict on the Brexit bill today, and has been warned to respect the will of the people and, like them, base it’s decision on wilful ignorance and thinly veiled racism.

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