UK

Please don’t look at my voting record on gay rights, pleads vicar’s daughter

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Prime Minister Theresa May is thankful to everyone for focussing on Tim Farron’s attitude to gay sex, and not her voting record on gay rights.

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Tim Farron also fine with light S&M, mutual masturbation, and threesomes

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Liberal Democrat leader Tim Farron has confirmed that not only does he think that gay sex is definitely not a sin, but that he’s also perfectly fine with S&M, mutual masturbation, and threesomes.

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Wetherspoons ban customers for not swearing enough

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Wetherspoons have introduced a four-epithet minimum to ensure their pubs keep their distinctive character today.

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Swoonings up 220% as Tom Hardy arrests a thief with his bare hands

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Ladies across Britain have asked for the smelling salts today after Tom Hardy chased down and caught a thief in the street.

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Shoplifters delighted by return of Woolworths

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People nostalgic for their teenage shoplifting days are delighted by the news Woolworths is to return to the UK high street.

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Pro-Brexit MPs have access to WMDs and need to be removed, insists Tony Blair

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MPs that strongly supported Britain’s withdrawal from the European Union probably have access to weapons of mass destruction, Tony Blair has declared this morning.

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Britain to experience first entirely policy-free election

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All major political parties have decided to dispense with policies this election and move directly to comparing their opponents to literally Hitler.

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UKIP announce plans to broaden their racism

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UKIP have announced that they intend to broaden their party-political racism to encompass whole new swathes of society.

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Tories to ban London Marathon after strong runner filmed helping weak runner

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Prime Minister Theresa May has called for the London marathon to be banned after a strong athlete helped a weak athlete in an outrageous display of asphalt-based socialism.

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British beekeepers to protest against UKIP’s ‘no face veils in public’ manifesto proposal

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Beekeepers across the country are organising an official protest against a UKIP proposal which would prevent people from wearing face-covering veils in public and at work.

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