UK

Black Friday sale like ‘the Hunger Games’, claims eye witness

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Black Friday sales across the country are descending into bloodbaths, according to those brave enough to take part.

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UKIP warns of Schrödinger’s immigrant who ‘lazes around on benefits whilst simultaneously stealing your job’

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UKIP have updated Schrödinger’s famous thought experiment by insisting that immigrants exist in a state of both lazing around on benefits whilst simultaneously being out there stealing British jobs.

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Plebs set out to ‘reclaim’ the word

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Plebs across the nation have insisted they will reclaim the word for themselves, and remove the negative connotations in the process.

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Train man proactively moves right the way down inside the carriage

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A passenger on a rush hour train has proactively made his into the middle of an otherwise packed carriage to allow fellow commuters to board, according to reports.

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Masturbate to keep warm this winter, says Osborne

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George Osborne has suggested that those concerned about fuel bills this winter should masturbate to keep warm.

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Blackpool hotel guests fined £100 for not voting UKIP

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Further embarrassment was heaped on Blackpool’s tarnished image yesterday, when news emerged of yet another hotelier fining guest for opinions he didn’t like.

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New bio-bus to run on bullshit election manifestos

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The UK’s first bus powered entirely by the excrement inside an election manifesto has gone into service between Bristol and Bath.

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Farage erection enters 7th hour

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Nigel Farage’s erection shows no signs of abating, according to source close to the UKIP leader this morning.

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‘Send em back where they came from’ officially 2014’s top performing political slogan

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Telling voters you’ll send everyone back to where they came from is officially 2014’s top performing political policy, according new research this morning.

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Gordon Brown quits politics to become dating guru

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Former Prime Minister Gordon brown has announced that he will resign as MP in order to become a full-time pick-up artist.

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