UK

Dartford crossing traffic congestion to be granted ‘listed’ status

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The traffic jam that stretches each way from the Dartford Crossing on the M25 is to be granted ‘listed’ status by English Heritage.

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New ‘arsehole rating’ labels on alcoholic drinks to be introduced

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Alcoholic drinks will soon feature a new labelling system indicating how much of an arsehole the drinker will become after drinking them.

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Diet lager to become a ‘thing’

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After public health doctors called for alcohol to contain calories warnings to help fight obesity, the inevitable countdown to ‘diet lager’ began.

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Annual ‘demanding money with menaces’ amnesty underway

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The annual amnesty allowing young people to demand rewards from perfect strangers as an incentive not to do them harm, has begun.

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Use benefit claimants as bonfire ‘Guys’ urges Osborne

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The Chancellor has encouraged communities to return to the Guy Fawkes Day tradition of lighting a huge fire, but topping it with a benefit claimant instead.

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Don’t look at the wheelchairs, look at the scroungers sat in them, explain ministers

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Government ministers have explained that people should look beyond the disabilities of disabled people to focus on how much they might be claiming in benefits.

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Government to ignore expert advice on drug laws in favour of series 9 & 10 of Grange Hill

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Following a 6-year study by scientists, police officers, academics and experts into Britain’s drug laws, the government has insisted that it will rely instead on the plight of Samuel ‘Zammo’ Maguire from Grange Hill.

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Every UK airport to be prefixed with the word ‘London’

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Following the renaming of London Oxford airport, plans have been announced to rename every mainland UK airport by pre-fixing each address with the word London.

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Complaints at ‘Sexy UKIP politician’ Halloween costume

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A company has come under fire for producing a ‘Sexy UKIP politician’ costume for Halloween.

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Parents insisting entire nation is CRB checked in time for Halloween

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Parents groups have begun lobbying government to insist that the entire country is CRB checked in preparation for them to take their inappropriately dressed children to stranger’s houses for Halloween.

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