UK

Being a closet racist was exhausting, claims UKIP’s ‘outed’ Douglas Carswell

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MP Douglas Carswell has said that he is proud to be out of the closet and finally able to say the sort of racist things only UKIP members normally get away with.

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Our society is still far too egalitarian, complain Oxbridge graduates

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There are still far too many opportunities for people who went to comprehensive schools, according to a report commissioned by graduates of Oxbridge.

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#IceBucketChallenge is stupid, claims man without any nominations yet

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The viral #IceBucketChallenge is a stupid idea and makes you all look like morons, according to a man yet to single receive a nomination this morning.

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3-foot wasps nest in bed now top excuse for avoiding sex

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Wasps nests have overtaken ‘headaches’ as the nation’s top excuse for avoiding coitus, it has emerged.

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Televised Scottish Independence debate ‘still going strong’ in pub round corner

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Last night’s BBC Scottish Independence debate has entered its thirteenth hour in a pub around the corner from the studio, according to sources.

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ISIS to change name again after further negative publicity

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The jihadist artists formerly known as ISIL are considering a further rebrand after further negative decapitation-related publicity.

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Bloody war against high-powered vacuum cleaners ‘almost won’, claims EU

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The desperate battle to rid the world of vacuums that are a bit more powerful than average is almost won, according to sources in the EU.

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Liverpool to replace mentally unstable forward with mentally unstable forward

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Liverpool football club are to replace mentally unstable Luis Suarez with equally deranged Mario Balotelli, according to reports this morning.

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Daily Mail criticised for continuing to pass itself off as a ‘newspaper’

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The Daily Mail has come under renewed criticism after it emerged they continue to position themselves as a provider of ‘news’.

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Regulated rail fares to rise from ‘Outrageous’ to ‘Exorbitant’

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Rail fares will rise an average of 3.5% in the new year, according to the Association of Train Operating Companies, elevating current prices from ‘outrageous’ to ‘exorbitant’.

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