UK

Waitrose on receiving end of world’s largest ‘I told you so’

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Middle-class supermarket chain Waitrose has withdrawn its offer to give anyone a free coffee in a move consumers have called ‘so predictable it’s actually painful’.

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David Cameron launches work placement scheme for underprivileged MPs

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David Cameron today nominated disadvantaged MP, Andrew Lansley, for a work placement role at the UN.

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Instead of leaders debates can we have a Thunderdome, asks everyone

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In the wake of endless prevaricating over the format of a televised pre-election leaders debates, the nation has asked that the idea be dropped altogether and replaced by a one-off Thunderdome contest.

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Ministers begin NHS policy rewrite by opening thesaurus at word ‘dismantle’

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Ministers have agreed to a significant rewrite of their controversial NHS proposals after opening the cabinet thesaurus at the word ‘dismantle’.

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Ed Miliband in training against a wet paper bag, confirm Labour insiders

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With the general election only months away, the Labour Party has put Ed Miliband on a strict training regimen against moistened sheets of brown paper.

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Liberal Democrats pledge referendum on Creme Eggs

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With fewer than 100 days to go to the election, the Liberal Democrats have made their first major policy announcement with a national referendum on the recipe for creme eggs.

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Jeremy Kyle breaks viewer record as Jesus, Mary and Joseph face the DNA test

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Controversial television show host Jeremy Kyle announced a coup today after he was joined by Joseph the Carpenter, the Virgin Mary and Jesus Christ the Lord our Saviour.

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Wave of Catholics expected to convert to Church of England ‘for the girls’

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The Church of England is bracing itself for thousands of new Catholic converts attracted to the church ‘for the girls’.

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Yes we do have to talk about it, insist vegans

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The nation’s vegans have today confirmed that yes, they do have to go on about it all of the time.

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Concern as Tories welcome defecting Dark Lord of the Sith

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Grass-roots Conservatives have expressed concern after a high-profile Dark Lord of the Sith defecting from the Empire, according to reports this morning.

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