UK

Panda suit and bamboo diet your best chance of survival, poor children told

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Wearing a black and white furry suit and adopting a diet consisting solely of bamboo is the average British child’s best hope of survival, a new report suggests.

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Prisons to be full of Twitter morons by Christmas

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News that Internet trolls could face two-year custodial sentences has led to warnings that the nation’s prisons could be full of Twitter morons by Christmas.

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A little bit of holocaust denial never hurt anyone, confirm UKIP

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Just because your party leader is a racist who denies the holocaust doesn’t mean you can’t help UKIP maintain its European funding, Nigel Farage confirmed today.

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Put all immigrants in cages, say Labour

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The Labour party have made a pledge to put all immigrants in cages should they win the next general election.

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Why are all our children getting measles, ask Homeopathy fans

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Child measles cases in the UK have risen tenfold, especially among families led by morons who think that crystals are magic and that sugar pills can cure AIDS.

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Outrage as disabled man suggests Tory MPs ‘not worth the minimum wage’

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A disabled man has provoked outrage by suggesting that some Conservative MPs probably don’t deserve to be paid the minimum wage.

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Prof Brian Cox to unravel mysteries of automated customer service systems

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The unfathomable mysteries behind most automated customer service systems are at the heart of Professor Brian Cox’s new television project, it has been revealed today.

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You have been mis-sold absolutely everything, finds survey

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Every penny you’ve ever spent on anything at all was completely unnecessary and the complete fault of someone who works in marketing, a new survey has revealed today.

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British women celebrate ‘fattest in Europe’ title with a nice slice of cake

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Women across the UK have reacted positively to being crowned the ‘fattest women in Europe’ by toasting each other with a nice bit of cake.

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Everyone in office pretty sure guy who just sneezed has ebola

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Your entire office is pretty sure that new guy in accounts who just sneezed is exhibiting signs of the deadly virus ebola, according to sources.

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