UK

Bookmakers stop taking bets on Queen revealing reptilian self

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Bookmakers across the country have stopped taking bets on the Queen using her Christmas address to reveal her true reptilian self.

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George Osborne urges poor people to ‘ask Santa for rent money’

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George Osborne today suggested the poor should ask Santa Claus to provide money for food, rent, and other essentials.

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8 year-old criticised for revealing to trainee Vicar that God isn’t real

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An 8 year-old primary school student has been heavily criticised for revealing to a trainee vicar that God is just a fictional character people use to make themselves feel better.

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Libraries urged to sell shitty, over-priced buckets of coffee flavoured milk

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Libraries have been urged to emulate coffee shops in order to survive, according to a new report into the service.

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Government obesity research uncovers new link to ‘stuff going in your mouth’

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The government has announced that scientists working on its national obesity strategy have uncovered a direct link between the stuff that you put in your mouth and the stuff that magically appears on your arse.

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Ibuprofen withdrawn over homophobic rant fears

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A leading painkiller has been taken off the shelves after causing a member of the public to hurl anti-gay abuse.

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UK protesters stage ‘lie-in’ over Eric Garner murder

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Thousands of protesters are staging lie-in protests at various locations throughout the UK this morning.

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BBC to bring in extra props for Brand vs Farage battle

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Denying accusations of ‘dumbing down’, the BBC will be supplying pedestals and padded pugil sticks for tonight’s debate in Canterbury between UKIP’s Nigel Farage and comedian Russell Brand.

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Ed Miliband announces that he is ‘still here’

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Ed Miliband has used a radio interview to announce that he definitely still exists.

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Diluting NHS funding for Homeopathy to make it infinitely more powerful

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Following a recommendation by the British Medical Council to scrap funding for Homeopathy on the NHS, homeopaths have claimed that such a dilution of their funding will only serve to make them stronger.

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