UK

Fat old man in micro-thong offended by burkini

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An obese old man using a postage-sized strip of material to ‘hide’ his genitals has taken offence at a woman wearing a burkini.

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Conspiracy theorists claim ‘maths’ a tool of the illuminati

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Reacting to the news that it has been mathematically proven most conspiracy theories are a load of pony and trap, theorists have added mathematicians to the ever-growing list of people controlled by the New World Order.

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British politics returns to inane normality

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After months of wild and exciting fluctuations, British politics has returned to commonplace mediocrity with an argument about trains.

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Owen Smith: Vote for me and I’ll suck you off

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Labour leadership contender Owen Smith has moved on from promising a second EU referendum if elected to an offer of full-blown oral sex for anyone who votes for him.

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MPs reminded that other people can see their tweets

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Letters have been sent to all MPs reminding them that when they tweet something, it is highly likely that other people will read it.

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Seats are bourgeois, says Jeremy Corbyn

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Jeremy Corbyn has hit out at criticisms that he avoided sitting on available train seats in order to sit on the floor for an unconvincing photo opportunity by launching a stinging attack against the ‘bourgeois’ practise of sitting on seats on trains.

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People who voted Mrs Brown’s Boys ‘sitcom of the century’ can also vote in elections, warn experts

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Mrs Brown’s Boys has been voted the greatest sitcom of the century, by the sort of people who can choose who runs the country, according to reports this afternoon.

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Britain First furious as immigrants allowed to enter ‘Great British Bake Off’

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A Britain First spokesmoron has denounced the decision to allow an immigrant to enter the Great British Bake Off.

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Cat throws itself in front of car to avoid Nick Grimshaw’s radio show

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A ginger tom has launched a vehicle-based suicide bid after accidentally tuning into Nick Grimshaw’s Radio 1 show.

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Spending money to make things better only works with sport, insists Government

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Spending more money in an attempt to make things perform better only works with sports, according to a government spokesperson today.

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