UK

‘A bit shit’ is Jamaican patois for ‘awesome’, clarifies Usain Bolt

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Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt has moved swiftly to clarify that comments describing the Commonwealth games as ‘a bit shit’ were actually a term of endearment.

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Gaza victims urge Tulisa to ‘stay strong’

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Victims of indiscriminate shelling in Gaza have offered their unanimous sympathy to the tormented former N Dubz star Tulisa Contostavlos.

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Secret Cinema Back to the Future screenings rescheduled for last Wednesday

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Secret Cinema is addressing its cancelled screenings of Back to the Future by creating an immersive experience in which the shows took place in the past.

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Murdoch journos in crisis as ‘making things up’ added to ‘not-allowed’ list

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After the trial against Tulisa Contostavlos collapsed due to lies told in court by a Sun on Sunday reporter, those at the Murdoch-owned paper have been left panicking over what they can put in this weekend’s edition.

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‘We shouldn’t really be doing this’ admits everyone watching Sky News

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Viewers sat watching Sky News’ coverage of the Malaysian air crash in Ukraine have admitted ‘we really shouldn’t be doing this’ after it was pointed out how morally questionable it was.

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Gove: Day 2 of Job ‘A Success’ as Merely Loses Trousers, Slips in Dog Turd

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Sacked Education Secretary Michael Gove pronounced the second day of his new job ‘a complete success,’ having avoided getting locked in the toilet for a second day running.

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Obese diabetics still struggling with concept of putting fewer things in their mouths

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More gastric band surgery for overweight type 2 diabetics has been announced, after the NHS admitted the concept of eating less was proving difficult for many of them to understand.

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Lost Royal Mail £1bn found ‘alive and well’ in investment bank client accounts

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The £1bn ‘lost’ by the taxpayer during the sale of the Royal Mail has been found alive and well in the client accounts of the banks advising on the sale, according to reports this morning.

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Teachers being on strike is brilliant, insists 8 year-old sat in front of Xbox

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Children across the country have welcomed the fight to improve pay and conditions for the nation’s teachers, insisting they are 100% behind further industrial action.

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Team Sky to consider stabilisers

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Team Sky are to consider the use of stabilisers for future Tour de France entries after Chris Froome fell off his bike three times in two days.

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