UK

Facebook Friend really bloody loves blossom

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A Facebook friend has revealed their absolute, wholehearted and unfettered enthusiasm for blossom by posting over six hundred separate photos of various trees and plants in bloom.

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Garden Bridge project to be scrapped and replaced with Lego

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Mayor of London Sadiq Khan has announced his intention to abandon plans to build a picturesque garden-themed bridge across the Thames in favour of one built from a cheaper, more practical material.

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New Tory slogan ‘We’re going to f**king kill you all’ not putting people off

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The controversial new slogan of the Tory party – ‘We’re going to f**king kill you all’ doesn’t appear to have put off any potential voters.

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Stoke-on-Trent electorate granted restraining order against Paul Nuttall

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The electorate of Stoke-on-Trent have been granted a temporary restraining order against Paul Nuttall amid fears that he’s going to stand as an MP there for the second time in 6 months.

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Theresa May ejected from McDonald’s after repeated ‘strong, stable leadership’ responses jam drive-thru

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A four-hour stand-off developed at a McDonald’s restaurant yesterday as the Prime Minister stonewalled a drive-thru order point with continuous irrelevant replies citing ‘strong, stable leadership’.

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Conservatives will increase employment of made up words if elected, promises Boris Johnson

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Blonde buffoon Boris Johnson has promised that if successful in the forthcoming election the Conservatives will dedicate significant time and resources towards increasing the employment of archaic or completely made up words.

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Jeremy Corbyn declines open goal

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Jeremy Corbyn has declined a televised shot on goal unless Theresa May is there to have a go at saving it.

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Children of vegetarians ‘overjoyed’ as UK suffers hummus shortage

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The offspring of the UK’s vegetarian population are celebrating across the nation today, after it emerged that several supermarkets have withdrawn some of their ranges of the congealed, pulse-based ‘food’ hummus, following a production issue.

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Ministry of Magic criticises Boris Johnson for calling Jeremy Corbyn a ‘muggle’

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“I meant to call him a squib”, insists Johnson.

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‘Bland, inoffensive yet meaningless slogan,’ says Theresa May

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Prime Minister Theresa May rallied her supporters with the rousing words ‘bland, inoffensive yet meaningless slogan.’

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