UK

Oasis to reform after Noel Gallagher learns elusive fourth chord

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Oasis are to reform after Noel Gallagher confirmed he has taken the time needed to master an elusive fourth chord.

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New Star Wars spin-off to plot transformation of UKIP into the evil Empire

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A new Star Wars spin-off scheduled for release in 2016 will plot the rise of UKIP and its ultimate transformation into the evil Empire at the heart of the popular series.

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Katie Hopkins grabs popcorn settles in for coverage of drowning migrants

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Television coverage of migrants drowning in the mediterranean sea has forced to Katie Hopkins to turn off her phone and settle in for the best days television in a long time.

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Study finds sports drinks failing to give drinkers enough energy to put bottle in bin

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Despite sports energy drinks containing substantial amounts of sugar and caffeine they still don’t give people enough energy to carry the empty bottle to a fucking bin, we can report today.

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Paedophiles busy practising dementia symptoms

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Westminster is bracing itself for a rush of early-onset dementia diagnoses following the Crown Prosecution Service decision not to prosecute Lord Janner.

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Courageous Top Gear fans protect vulnerable show from woman

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A brave group of anonymous men hounded a woman off Twitter after it was rumoured that she is being considered as the new host of vulnerable TV show, Top Gear.

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In just seven days I can make you a man, Sturgeon tells Miliband

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SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon has pledged not to let the nasty big boys kick sand in Ed Miliband’s face if they form a coalition.

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Liberal Democrat manifesto mostly blank pages

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The Liberal Democrat manifesto is mostly blank pages to ensure future coalition partners can easily fill it with their own policies.

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40 year-old man in Converse trainers pretty sure he looks ‘cool’

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40 year-old Simon Williams has today worn his new Converse sneakers seemingly unaware of how ridiculous they make him look.

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UKIP anger as manifesto accidentally printed with ‘nice’ policy

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UKIP were forced to apologise for a misprint in their manifesto that appeared to suggest they would be opposing a policy that is unnecessarily punitive to everyone it affects.

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