UK

Murdoch journos in crisis as ‘making things up’ added to ‘not-allowed’ list

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After the trial against Tulisa Contostavlos collapsed due to lies told in court by a Sun on Sunday reporter, those at the Murdoch-owned paper have been left panicking over what they can put in this weekend’s edition.

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‘We shouldn’t really be doing this’ admits everyone watching Sky News

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Viewers sat watching Sky News’ coverage of the Malaysian air crash in Ukraine have admitted ‘we really shouldn’t be doing this’ after it was pointed out how morally questionable it was.

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Gove: Day 2 of Job ‘A Success’ as Merely Loses Trousers, Slips in Dog Turd

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Sacked Education Secretary Michael Gove pronounced the second day of his new job ‘a complete success,’ having avoided getting locked in the toilet for a second day running.

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Obese diabetics still struggling with concept of putting fewer things in their mouths

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More gastric band surgery for overweight type 2 diabetics has been announced, after the NHS admitted the concept of eating less was proving difficult for many of them to understand.

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Lost Royal Mail £1bn found ‘alive and well’ in investment bank client accounts

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The £1bn ‘lost’ by the taxpayer during the sale of the Royal Mail has been found alive and well in the client accounts of the banks advising on the sale, according to reports this morning.

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Teachers being on strike is brilliant, insists 8 year-old sat in front of Xbox

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Children across the country have welcomed the fight to improve pay and conditions for the nation’s teachers, insisting they are 100% behind further industrial action.

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Team Sky to consider stabilisers

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Team Sky are to consider the use of stabilisers for future Tour de France entries after Chris Froome fell off his bike three times in two days.

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Britain’s low paid wondering if they can ‘upgrade to slavery’

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Thousands of Britain’s low paid workers are wondering if they can upgrade to slavery as a result of the Modern Slavery Bill.

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Blow to ‘Yes’ campaign as Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi decrees Scotland part of caliphate

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The campaign for an independent Scotland has suffered a major setback with news that Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has decreed that an independent Scotland will be his caliphate’s northern extremity.

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MPs claimed expenses for children’s home visits

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MPs who fiddled with children at a variety of locations have denied fiddling any expenses they ran up. Up to twenty MPs have so far been implicated in the latest expenses scandal, forcing Theresa May to set up a full public inquiry into ‘Fiddlergate’.

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