UK

British holidaymakers hiring cars abroad urged not to drive like arseholes

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British holidaymakers hiring cars abroad have been reminded that driving like an idiot is even more dangerous when you’re the one on the wrong side of the road.

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“Any time you like” world tells God

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The world has asked God if He can maybe sort things out directly.

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Cat being a dickhead again

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A local cat – Dave – has continued his campaign of dickheadedness and arseholery by deliberately urinating over a laptop keyboard.

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Vicars packing heat

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Vicars across Britain are purchasing semi-automatic weapons online in a bid to ward off ISIS attacks.

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“See? The economy grew 0.6%” beams calendar-challenged Brexiter

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A Brexit supporter who struggles to read a calendar reckons that Brexit helped the economy grow, according to sources this afternoon.

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Outrage as child’s favourite story mocks adult’s favourite story

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Offence-takers have reacted with zealous fury after a story intended for children was seen to mock a story intended for adults.

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Southern Rail to replace conductors with panthers

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In a move that is sure to further enrage many passengers, beleaguered train company Southern Rail have announced that they will be replacing all conductors on trains with wild panthers.

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ISIS claims responsibility for attacks in Pontypandy

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ISIS have claimed responsibility for every single incident in all of the 200 episodes of Fireman Sam.

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Slaughter of first-borns could save £50bn in Child Benefit, pledges Theresa May

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In a radical overhaul of the welfare system, prime minister Theresa May has set out plans for a measured policy of infanticide that could massively reduce the UK deficit, according to experts.

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Northern benefit claimants ignoring the needs of working Londoners

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Working class northerners are out of touch with the needs of middle-class people in London, according to researchers studying the EU referendum result.

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