UK

At least the drink you’re all being driven to isn’t going to get more expensive, explains Hammond

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Chancellor Philip Hammond has used his budget to freeze the duty on beer, wine and spirits, ensuring the alcohol the government is driving you to isn’t going to get any more expensive.

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MPs demand clarification on when and where they can masturbate at work

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As rumours continue to circulate that a senior minister had a reputation for masturbating at his desk, MPs seek clarification on exactly when and where they can masturbate at work.

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Government expected to announce new tax on joy

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The Conservatives will be announcing plans to tax your actual happiness today, as part of the budget.

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PM to boost government’s credibility by replacing Boris Johnson with newly-available Robert Mugabe

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PM to boost government’s credibility by replacing Boris Johnson with newly-available Robert Mugabe.

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Millions apply for jobs at Euro Medicines Agency after announcement it will be testing drugs in Amsterdam

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Following the highly publicized relocation of the European Medicines Agency to Amsterdam due to Brexit, the EU agency has been swamped with offers to help them find “pure barry skag”.

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Peter Kay fans to save money on tickets by remembering things for themselves

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Peter Kay fans who have struggled to get tickets for his new tour have consoled themselves by simply going on their own nostalgia binge.

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Britain First strangely silent on child abuse cover up amongst Jehovah’s Witnesses

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Far-right group Britain First have claimed that indigenous Christian paedophiles are much better than the Muslim ones.

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Stationery store Paperchase experiences 0% fall in sales, following boycott by Daily Mail readers

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Popular stationery outlet Paperchase has confirmed a fall in sales of precisely 0%, following a boycott by Daily Mail readers.

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Brexit divorce bill to be paid in coppers

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Britain will pay more than the offered £18bn but it’ll all be in 1 and 2p pieces, government sources say.

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Prue Leith expected to accidentally tweet the name of Paul Hollywood’s mistress at some point today

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Bake Off fans are closely monitoring Prue Leith’s Twitter account in anticipation of her accidentally revealing the third party behind the break-up of Paul Hollywood’s marriage.

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