UK

Nation wondering how to use leap second as excuse for a lie-in

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Workers across the country are checking if a leap second provides them with a plausible reason for their alarm not going off tomorrow.

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World queuing championship ruined by tennis

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Once again, the World queuing championship at Wimbledon has been invaded by a number of non-queuers playing tennis in the Queuing Championship grounds.

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Kanye West sentenced to death for crimes against Queen

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Worst human being of all time and occasional musician, Kanye West, is to be executed next week after making a complete scrote of Queen’s unqualified rock classic, ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’.

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Managers now less comprehensible than cats

A new study has revealed that the vast majority of humans now find their cats make more sense than their managers.

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Confusing sun cream labels being used to ‘kill off morons’

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The needlessly confusing labels on bottles of sun lotion are a covert way of reducing the population and improving the gene pool, it has been confirmed.

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‘Speaking your mind’ not actually an achievement

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Saying whatever pile of bollocks pops into your head at any given moment isn’t necessarily a good thing, it has been confirmed today.

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All gigs now ‘Festivals’

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All gigs, concerts, and open mic nights are to be officially recognised as festivals from now on.

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Ed Miliband exercises his right to be forgotten

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Former Labour leader Ed Whatsisname is exercising his legal right to be forgotten, we can report today.

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Computer experts baffled as switching it off and on again doesn’t solve IT problem

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Some of the top minds in computer science have been left baffled after an IT problem was not solved by restarting.

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Queen to move into static caravan during palace renovations

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Her Majesty the Queen is set to move into a four-berth caravan on the Buckingham Palace forecourt while building work takes place on her massive house.

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