UK

Tamiflu performed exactly as we hoped it would, claim Tamiflu manufacturers

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A report claiming that Government stocks of Tamiflu work no better than paracetamol does not take into account how successful it is at ‘returning shareholder value’, according to Tamiflu executives.

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And what did Jesus say about the money lenders, nation asks David Cameron

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After claiming that Jesus Christ invented the Big Society, voters everywhere have asked the Prime Minister what Jesus thought of people who made a living by lending people money.

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UK GDP boost mainly from drugs and hookers

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The UK’s finances saw a boost this week when the government announced it would be including income from prostitution and drugs trade in future forecasts.

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Maria Miller claims pilfering tax payer money much easier from back benches

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Former culture secretary Maria Miller has resigned from her cabinet post, explaining that it’s much easier to help yourself to taxpayer money if you’re not in the papers every single day.

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‎We’re all really very sorry, says entire prison population

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The entire prison population is in a very apologetic mood today after Culture Secretary Maria Miller avoided prosecution and the sack by saying sorry.

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Not being able to see for miles now an ‘emergency’, claim Londoners

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London’s 999 service is reporting a significant increase in emergency calls from Cockneys who can’t see as far as they could yesterday.

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Giving up smoking to be banned in public places

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Wales could be the first part of the UK to ban giving up smoking in enclosed public places.

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Alcoholics to celebrate liver transplant verdict with massive piss-up

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A new ruling that allows heavy drinkers to receive liver transplants is cause for a big celebration, according to piss-heads everywhere.

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Does not getting an Xbox One count as emotional cruelty, ask children

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Children across the country have asked if the proposed ‘Cinderella’ law preventing emotional cruelty to children will include them receiving substandard Christmas presents.

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Saharan dust storm ‘best excuse yet’ for a sickie

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The Saharan dust storm laying waste to southern Britain has overtaken ‘dicky tummy’ as the nation’s favourite excuse to phone in sick.

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