UK

Total female nudity “would boost all women’s vitamin D” says UKIP

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Just hours after proposing a burqa and niqab ban on the grounds that it would boost Muslim women’s vitamin D levels, UKIP have revised their manifesto to include a “mandatory public nudity” clause for all women.

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Nation gasps as motorists and cyclists agree to coexist in peace

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The ancient war which has raged between motorists and cyclists since time immemorial is over, a stunned nation has been told.

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LBC finds final solution to Katie Hopkins problem

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Radio station LBC has announced that it has found a ‘final solution’ to the Katie Hopkins problem this morning.

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British men still uncomfortable greeting people with a kiss

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A new report has revealed that the majority of British men are still uncomfortable with kissing hello and would rather return to the days when a brief, stiff, formal handshake was the only acceptable physical expression of greeting.

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Pupils left reeling by shocking reports of teacher seen outside of school

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The schoolchildren of St Simon’s Primary school in Uttoxeter were stunned by the news that Miss Williams, form tutor for Year 5, was spotted in the Fox and Hounds pub on Sunday.

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French kissing to be renamed ‘tongue jousting’ after Brexit

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The act of romantically swapping saliva with your loved one is to be renamed ‘tongue jousting’ after the United Kingdom’s withdrawal from the European Union.

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Boris gives UN speech with penis poking out of trousers

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There was embarrassment at Number 10 this morning after it emerged that at April’s UN summit Boris Johnson gave a 40 minute speech without realising that his penis was poking out of the front of his trousers.

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“Now it’s too hot,” declares man who spent past 8 months complaining it was too cold

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46-year-old Simon Williams from Hertfordshire has declared that it’s now “too hot”, despite having spent the past eight months complaining about it being too cold.

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Every bathroom in Britain to receive complimentary UKIP manifesto

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The UKIP election slogan is “Soft, strong and very very long”, according to the manifesto launched today.

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Sam Allardyce to destroy ISIS

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Big Sam Allardyce has retired from football to focus on fucking ISIS right up.

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