Technology

Microsoft’s Windows 9 development team pretty sure there’s been a mistake

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No-one at Microsoft’s HQ in Redmond Virginia has had the heart to tell the team of developers working on Windows 9 that they have been skipped altogether.

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New smart wristband ‘detects bullshit claims made by smart wristbands’

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A new smart wristband has gone on to the market that claims to detect bullshit claims made by other smart wristbands.

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Nick Clegg to oppose communications data bill until he learns how to delete ‘browser history’

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Nick Clegg has reaffirmed his opposition to a communications data bill or ‘snooper’s charter,’ and maintained that he will continue to oppose it until he learns how to delete his Internet browsing history.

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David Cameron announces plan to compel you to cc him on all emails

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David Cameron has insisted that the security of the nation relies on you voluntarily cc’ing him on all emails you send in future.

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Facebook privacy notice status updates ‘even less effective than homeopathy’

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Copying and pasting a lengthy status update asking Facebook not to invade your privacy has finally been classified as the least effective thing on the planet, according to experts this morning.

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Correction, artificial intelligence will be brilliant, confirms Stephen Hawking’s computer

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At a hastily convened press-conference a sleeping Stephen Hawking has told reporters that he made a mistake and actually believes artificial intelligence will be great for everyone.

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Facebook to create new ‘workplace network’ for twats

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Facebook is to introduce a new workplace network for people who are ‘in business’.

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New Microsoft headset to help UKIP voters mark polling card with ‘X’

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An advanced headset that instructs mentally-challenged UKIP supporters how to mark an ‘X’ on polling cards at the next general election has been developed by Microsoft.

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Homophobic iPad owners furious at Tim Cook for making things they love

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Homophobic iPad and iPhone owners have reacted to the news that Apple CEO Tim Cook is gay by angrily punching messages of hate into a device they absolutely love.

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China applauds politely as Zuckerberg slowly explains he’d like to ‘sex dump grandma’

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Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has received polite applause from a Chinese university audience, despite accidentally telling them in Mandarin that he would like to do rude things to their grandmothers.

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