Technology

Newly-vegan Lewis Hamilton demands Mercedes F1 team develop car that runs on broccoli

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Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton has told his Mercedes team he will only continue to drive for them if they develop an engine that runs on vegetables, after turning vegan in order to save the planet.

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An engineer can come out to investigate fault on Necker Island in 4-6 weeks, Richard Branson told

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Richard Branson is reported to be ‘furious’ today after Virgin told him it will take 4-6 weeks to get an engineer out to fix up Necker Island.

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Man in 3-Series thinks his horn will make traffic jam magically disappear

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BMW driver Simon Williams thinks his car horn has the power to make other traffic disappear like something out of Harry fucking Potter.

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iPhone X to include revolutionary arsehole recognition technology

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The new iPhone X will recognise the unique arsehole signature of its users and automatically log them in, according to details released today.

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iPhone X is worth the suicides and terrible working conditions, confirm Chinese factory workers

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Workers at factories across China have confirmed that their suffering has been worthwhile in the long run, after witnessing the enduring success of the product they have sacrificed many of their rights for.

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Apple to f*ck about with the iPhone yet again

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The new iPhone will include a whole shitload of features you neither want nor need. 

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Yellow Pages going online leaves circus strongmen without phone books to rip in half

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Twirly-moustachioed strongmen around the nation are today mourning the passing of the Yellow Pages and wondering just what their freaky futures will hold with no behemothic telephone directories to rip in half.

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Young Conservatives delighted to finally discover Twitter

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A youth movement designed to promote conservative ideas among young people is precisely as entertaining as you think it is, according to sources today.

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Top code-breakers no closer to deciphering shipping forecast

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Despite the shipping forecast having been printed or broadcast four times every day for the last century and a half, top code-breakers at both GCHQ and MI5 have confirmed they are no closer to working out what the hell it is all about.

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Killer robots to herald “end of society as we know it” by repeatedly voting for right-wing leaders

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Killer robots driven by artificial intelligence could bring about the end of the world as we know it by repeatedly voting Tory, according to futurologists.

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