Technology

First Gold Apple Watch owner set to become most heavily-mocked human in history

Thumbnail image for First Gold Apple Watch owner set to become most heavily-mocked human in history

Spending £6,000 on a Gold Apple Watch can secure your place in the history books as the most heavily mocked individual in all of human civilisation, according to sources this morning.

Read the full article →

Apple Watch owners to set clocks by when their watch runs out of battery

Thumbnail image for Apple Watch owners to set clocks by when their watch runs out of battery

The new Apple Watch will run out of battery so often you’ll be able to set your watch by it, according to Apple sources this morning.

Read the full article →

Incomes back to ‘pre-iPhone’ levels

Thumbnail image for Incomes back to ‘pre-iPhone’ levels

Average household incomes in the UK have returned to levels not seen since before iPhones were a thing.

Read the full article →

Tinder to charge ugly users more for premium services

Thumbnail image for Tinder to charge ugly users more for premium services

People who receive far more left swipes than right ones will be charged more to use dating app Tinder, the app publishers have announced today.

Read the full article →

‘Ebony and Ivory’ to be re-released in wake of ‘The Dress’ controversy

Thumbnail image for ‘Ebony and Ivory’ to be re-released in wake of ‘The Dress’ controversy

Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder are to re-record their 80s classic ‘Ebony and Ivory’ as arguments over the colour of a dress continue to tear the Internet apart.

Read the full article →

Facebook to acquire Catholic Church for $780billion

Thumbnail image for Facebook to acquire Catholic Church for $780billion

Facebook has announced it is to spend $780bn (£467bn) acquiring the Catholic Church in a surprise move that will see the Papal office relocated to California.

Read the full article →

UKIP in election pledge to ban ‘ethnic’ emojis

Thumbnail image for UKIP in election pledge to ban ‘ethnic’ emojis

UKIP have promised that victory in the general election will see them outlaw the recently introduced ethnic emojis in Apple’s ecosystem.

Read the full article →

‘Monstrous’ couple face public backlash for refusing guests access to house Wi-Fi

Thumbnail image for ‘Monstrous’ couple face public backlash for refusing guests access to house Wi-Fi

A middle-class couple from Surrey are facing a public backlash for refusing visitors to their home access to their wireless internet connection.

Read the full article →

25 years of technology improvement still failing to make morons ‘productive’

Thumbnail image for 25 years of technology improvement still failing to make morons ‘productive’

Technology enhancements over the last 25 years have made massive strides in improving human productivity, except amongst the moron population.

Read the full article →

Cyber crime suddenly ‘very serious’ after banking institutions become victims

Thumbnail image for Cyber crime suddenly ‘very serious’ after banking institutions become victims

With cyber criminals turning their attention away from members of the public to banking institutions, the situation has officially become ‘serious’ according to reports.

Read the full article →