Technology

Facebook to create new ‘workplace network’ for twats

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Facebook is to introduce a new workplace network for people who are ‘in business’.

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New Microsoft headset to help UKIP voters mark polling card with ‘X’

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An advanced headset that instructs mentally-challenged UKIP supporters how to mark an ‘X’ on polling cards at the next general election has been developed by Microsoft.

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Homophobic iPad owners furious at Tim Cook for making things they love

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Homophobic iPad and iPhone owners have reacted to the news that Apple CEO Tim Cook is gay by angrily punching messages of hate into a device they absolutely love.

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China applauds politely as Zuckerberg slowly explains he’d like to ‘sex dump grandma’

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Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has received polite applause from a Chinese university audience, despite accidentally telling them in Mandarin that he would like to do rude things to their grandmothers.

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Prisons to be full of Twitter morons by Christmas

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News that Internet trolls could face two-year custodial sentences has led to warnings that the nation’s prisons could be full of Twitter morons by Christmas.

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Man using self-service till on verge of emotional breakdown

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A man using a self-service till for the first time appears on the verge of tears after being informed yet again of an ‘unexpected item in bagging area’.

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Rise in female gamers improves prospect of girlfriend for nerds

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A 20% rise in female gamers has led to increased hopes amongst males who play computer games that they might one day find a girlfriend.

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Discovery of old Zoo magazine points to unintelligent life on Mars

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Researchers have identified the fossilised remains of an old Zoo magazine on the surface of Mars, leading to claims that the planet was once able to support a thriving community of thoroughly unintelligent life.

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Microsoft unveils new way for PCs to make you cry

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The latest version of Microsoft’s flagship product, Windows 10, was released today introducing millions of PC users to unprecedented levels of tear-inducing frustration.

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iPhone 6 Plus performing badly in hammer stress tests, complain morons

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The iPhone 6 is so poorly made it is unable to withstand a sustained hammer attack without breaking apart, numerous twats have concluded this morning.

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