Technology

John Terry to test drive lab-grown vaginas

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Former England captain and occasional racist John Terry has claimed he should have ‘first go’ on pioneering synthetic minges, it has emerged.

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US military stealth bombers to try turning off transponders instead

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The US defence department has said it will put on hold its billion dollar investment in stealth technology, after it turned out planes which switch off their transponder become invisible.

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Netflix to start making recommendations based on whether you have company

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Netflix’s complex recommendation engine will now be able to determine if someone is sat next to you, presenting only publicly acceptable shows and movies instead of the dross you normally watch.

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Facebook ‘Lookback’ condensing 10 years of utter tedium into 60 second video

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Facebook has celebrated its 10th birthday by successfully condensing your extremely tedious online existence into a mawkish 60 second video.

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Man with world’s slowest Internet connection dies at 70%

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A man who was found dead in his study earlier today, hunched over a laptop, was believed to have been irreversibly hypnotised by a constant spinning wheel on the screen in front of him.

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Twitter urged to consider treatment for arsehole infestation

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Friends of social network Twitter are to have a quiet word to see if it plans on addressing what is obviously a really bad case of ‘complete arseholes’.

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Amstrad unveils innovative ‘Cathode Ray Tube’ TV at CES

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British technology giant Amstrad has today unveiled its innovative new ‘Cathode Ray Tube’ television at the Consumer Electronics show in Las Vegas.

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Instagram Direct to see delivery of millions of sepia-toned genital pictures

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Instagram has announced a new direct messaging platform where users will be able to privately send pictures of their genitals framed using any number of elegant aesthetic filters.

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Doctors criticised for not treating Nelson Mandela with Facebook photo sharing

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Nelson Mandela could still be alive if only his doctors had requested enough Likes of his photo on Facebook, according social media users this morning.

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Grown man desperately asking people he hasn’t seen in twenty years for Candy Crush lives

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A grown man with a mortgage and three children admitted this morning that he has been forced to request Candy Crush lives from a guy he used to sit next to at school in the mid-90s.

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