Sports

Sports news from NewsThump.com – bringing you the latest from the world of sport, updated every second.

Government declares national emergency after millions die laughing at Germany World Cup exit

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Theresa May has declared a national crisis after millions of English people died laughing following Germany’s loss to South Korea and subsequent exit from the World Cup.

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“Still too early to write off Germany,” warn experts

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Football pundits have warned that despite their World Cup exit at the group stage, it is still too soon to write off Germany’s chances at the tournament.

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England squad celebrating prospect of losing on penalties to non-German football team

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The England squad will be on the beers tonight after realising that the team that will deliver the final crushing blow to their own World Cup dreams at least won’t be Germany.

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FIFA unveils VARVAR system to review controversial VAR decisions

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Following a spate of controversial Video Assistant Referee decisions at the World Cup, FIFA has unveiled VARVAR – a Video Assistant Referee Video Assistant Referee system, whereby a referee in a remote location watches a video feed of the VAR room and is able to review and overrule any game-changing VAR decisions.

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Jason Cundy makes wife wear ‘voice-changing mask’ around the house

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Former ‘footballer’ Jason Cundy, who this week said that he can’t stand high-pitched women commentating on football matches, said that he was not being ‘unreasonable’ by forcing his wife, Hannah, to wear a device that makes her sound like Brian Blessed at home.

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Miserable arsehole insisting England should have got seven

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Patriotic misanthrope Simon Williams is telling anyone who’ll listen today that England should have got at least seven goals against lowly Panama.

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England absolutely positively definitely going to win the World Cup now

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According to experts across the country, England are definitely going to win the World Cup after demolishing a side who had never previously scored a goal at the World Cup finals.

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Muslim flying England flag outside mosque throws EDL into confusion

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A man of a different faith and ethnicity has confounded far-right groups by vociferously supporting the England team at an International sporting event.

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Gareth Southgate to celebrate England goals by windmilling his cock after dislocated shoulder

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After somehow managing to dislocate his shoulder while out running, the England manager will now just have to wave his penis around if his team scores another goal.

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Woman criticises husband for watching ‘that football rubbish for a month’ before turning back to Love Island

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John Green from Preston, who has been strongly condemned by his partner for hogging the television for a month to watch the world cup, has been told in no uncertain terms that he is spoiling the viewing enjoyment of the whole family.

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