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Beckham to help new PSG team-mates by taking English lessons

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David Beckham has been urged to aid communication with his new Paris Saint-Germain team-mate’s by taking a crash course in the English language, according to a club insider.

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Next QPR squad photo to be shot in CinemaScope

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With Harry Redknapp’s transfer policy closely resembling Eric Pickles on a trolley dash around Greggs, QPR’s next squad photo is expected to be shot in CinemaScope.

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Jim White’s deadline day erection enters fifth hour

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As the January transfer window enters its final moments, producers on Sky Sports News have reported that Jim White’s erection shows no sign of abating.

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Nick Clegg to ease pressure on leadership by playing Aston Villa

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Nick Clegg is to relieve the pressure on his leadership of the Liberal Democrats by playing Premier League strugglers Aston Villa.

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Footballer takes woman for dinner and then drives her home safely

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An unnamed footballer has shocked everyone by taking a woman out for dinner, driving her home safely before returning to his own home and going to bed.

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John Terry to have sex with Swansea ball boy’s girlfriend

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After Eden Hazard was sent off last night for lashing out at a ball boy, club captain John Terry is to have his revenge in the only way he knows how.

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Sir Alex Ferguson to replace De Gea with Swansea City ball boy

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Manchester United have made a sensational £30m bid for Swansea City ball boy, Charlie Morgan, for his ability to hold on to a football under pressure.

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InjuryLawyers4U make Swansea ball-boy transfer bid

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Car-crash voyeurs InjuryLawyers4U, have asked Swansea for permission to speak with their ball-boy, Charlie Morgan, following reported injuries sustained during an off-field altercation with Chelsea midfielder, Eden Hazard.

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FA urged to employ a native English speaker

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After admitting it needs help understanding the phrase ‘he had a really poor game’, the FA has been urged to think about buying an English dictionary.

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FA to consider replacing tackling with Rock-Paper-Scissors

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After Man City defender Vincent Kompany was given a red card for tackling Arsenal’s Jack Wilshere, new rules are being considered that will mean footballers will only be able to gain possession of the ball by successful participation in a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors.

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