Sports

Sports news from NewsThump.com – bringing you the latest from the world of sport, updated every second.

F*ck all getting done today admits hungover and miserable England

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After last night’s world cup semi-final defeat, England is too hungover and miserable to do any fucking work today, it has emerged. With hearts that feel like they’ve been stamped on by a Croation football boot, and heads that feel like they’ve been repeatedly booted around a football pitch, England just cannot be arsed today. […]

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Football sees ‘absolute f**king state’ of the country and elects not to come home

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Football, who had been planning to come home this week, has taken a closer look at England, seen what it calls the ‘absolute f**king state’ of the country and taken the decision to not come home for the foreseeable future.

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England fans now bonding over mass return of waistcoats

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England are out of the World Cup and all of those waistcoats are definitely going back.

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This is my first semi since 1990 too, says Grandad proudly clutching Viagra tablets

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A grandfather is looking forward to celebrating the match tonight in a very special way, according to reports.

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Man secretly practising ‘Two world wars and two world cups’ when he thinks nobody is listening

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Local man Simon Williams has told friends the England team are going to blow it and have ‘no chance’, but it’s a different story when nobody is listening.

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Tedious twat hopes England lose

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Local smug tosser Simon Williams has confirmed he likes it when people he thinks are beneath him are unhappy.

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Gareth Southgate begs fairy folk to let him keep the magic waistcoat

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Gareth Southgate has begged the fair folk of fairyland to let him keep the magic waistcoat for just a few more days, according to reports.

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Brexiters unhappy at football coming ‘home’ to England via Schengen area

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Brexiters have queried the ethnicity of football after hearing it would like to come ‘home’ via the open borders inside the Schengen area.

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Neymar falls over again after toddler sneezes three feet away

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Notoriously tumble-prone Brazil star Neymar has fallen over three times today already, according to reports.

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Roy Keane to properly duff up Neymar

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Roy Keane is coming out of retirement to knock the piss out of Neymar.

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