Sports

Sports news from NewsThump.com – bringing you the latest from the world of sport, updated every second.

Man City make audacious £100m bid for Man Utd’s Champions League group

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Manchester City have made an audacious £100m bid for Manchester United’s Champions League group, claiming those fixtures are all it requires to reach the knockout stages of this year’s competition.

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Jermaine Defoe advertises for Personal Assistant/Alchemist/Necromancer

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Jermaine Defoe has advertised for a personal assistant who can take care of his dry-cleaning, turn lead into gold and communicate with the spirits of the dead.

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England ‘relief’ as BT Sport deal ensures next Ashes hammering will be seen by no-one

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English cricketers have breathed a huge sigh of relief after BT Sport secured the rights to the next Ashes series, ensuring their inevitable hammering will be seen by absolutely nobody.

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John Terry set to appeal suspension of Tinder account

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Chelsea captain John Terry is set to appeal an indefinite ban from online sex aid, Tinder, according to reports this morning.

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Chelsea sign Pedro after his partner passes exhaustive John Terry medical

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Chelsea have completed the signing of Barcelona striker Pedro after the Spanish hitman’s partner passed a rigorous physical examination conducted by club captain John Terry.

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Chelsea grant licence to US dentist to hunt John Terry

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US dentist Walter Palmer has been granted a licence to hunt John Terry, after Chelsea officials declared their captain to now be too old to make a meaningful contribution to the club.

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Jose Mourinho cuts NHS waiting lists to zero after telling doctors who actually needs treating

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Jose Mourinho has been thanked by administrators inside the NHS, after he reduced waiting lists to zero by declaring no-one genuinely in need of treatment.

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Dirty foreign migrants kick off brand new football season

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‘Marauding’ migrants from god only knows where have begun the new football season with barely a sniffer dog in sight.

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‘Win our remaining games and the title is ours’ insists Brendan Rodgers

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With just 38 games to go until the end of the Premier League season, the maths is simple: Liverpool are in control of their Premier League destiny.

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England cricketers told by Mums to play nice with Australia, or not at all

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The England team has been told to stop being so mean to Australia, and to let them have a proper go when they play cricket together.

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