Sports

Sports news from NewsThump.com – bringing you the latest from the world of sport, updated every second.

John Terry to test drive lab-grown vaginas

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Former England captain and occasional racist John Terry has claimed he should have ‘first go’ on pioneering synthetic minges, it has emerged.

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Harvard students to get lessons in angry shouting and pointing

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Students at Harvard University are to become skilled in angrily pointing at their watches and shouting at people fifty yards away, thanks to a teaching position given to Sir Alex Ferguson.

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£90 England World Cup shirt to be much cheaper after humiliating exit

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A £90 England shirt will be heavily discounted following the team’s humiliating exit from this summer’s World Cup, according to retailers.

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Man Utd finally pick up 3 points at home thanks to Old Trafford speed camera

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David Moyes hopes his Manchester United side have turned a corner having been gifted 3-points at home after the club’s team bus was flashed by an Old Trafford speed camera during a training session joyride.

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Man United fans launch #NoTrophySelfie campaign

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Plucky Man United fans are to raise millions of pounds for cancer charities by photographing themselves without a trophy.

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Hull City chairman Assem Allam to rename club ‘The FA bums dogs FC’

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Hull City Chairman Assem Allam has reacted to the FA’s decision to reject his name change by choosing a more appropriate moniker for his football plaything.

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Formula One cars to clip playing cards to rear wheels

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The disappointing sound of the new engines in Formula One is to be addressed with the use of playing cards clipped to the rear wheels, according to Bernie Ecclestone this morning.

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Arsene Wenger welcomes opportunity to focus on domestic excuses

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Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has welcomed his team’s exit from the Champions League, insisting it will give him and his team time to focus on excuses for their ongoing domestic failure.

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Newcastle’s Alan Pardew to wear matchday cone to protect opposition

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Newcastle United manager Alan Pardew is to wear a vet-style cone during future matches to protect opposing players and officials from unprovoked physical attacks.

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Britain to petition Winter Olympics for inclusion of ‘Longest Pavement Skid’

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Britain’s armchair athletes have insisted they could bring back the gold from the Winter Olympics if longest skid on an icy pavement is made an official discipline.

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