Sports

Sports news from NewsThump.com – bringing you the latest from the world of sport, updated every second.

Lance Armstrong’s Tour de France wins reinstated after Brexit revelation that cheating is fine

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Former cyclist Lance Armstrong, who had seven Tour de France wins revoked in 2012 when his long history of doping was exposed, has had all seven wins reinstated.

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Man who thinks ‘participation trophies’ have ruined a generation demands open top bus parade for England team

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A man who will loudly tell you that participation trophies and celebrating ‘taking part’ instead of winning has ruined an entire generation, is demanding the England team get an open top bus parade finishing fourth at the World Cup.

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People briefly interested in football relieved that they can go back to moaning about it again

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New football experts, who are already looking forward to another brief flirtation with the game in 2022, have today declared their relief at once again being able to tell their partners to ‘turn that crap off’ and stop pretending to understand the offside rule.

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F*ck all getting done today admits hungover and miserable England

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After last night’s world cup semi-final defeat, England is too hungover and miserable to do any fucking work today, it has emerged. With hearts that feel like they’ve been stamped on by a Croation football boot, and heads that feel like they’ve been repeatedly booted around a football pitch, England just cannot be arsed today. […]

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Football sees ‘absolute f**king state’ of the country and elects not to come home

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Football, who had been planning to come home this week, has taken a closer look at England, seen what it calls the ‘absolute f**king state’ of the country and taken the decision to not come home for the foreseeable future.

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England fans now bonding over mass return of waistcoats

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England are out of the World Cup and all of those waistcoats are definitely going back.

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This is my first semi since 1990 too, says Grandad proudly clutching Viagra tablets

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A grandfather is looking forward to celebrating the match tonight in a very special way, according to reports.

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Man secretly practising ‘Two world wars and two world cups’ when he thinks nobody is listening

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Local man Simon Williams has told friends the England team are going to blow it and have ‘no chance’, but it’s a different story when nobody is listening.

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Tedious twat hopes England lose

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Local smug tosser Simon Williams has confirmed he likes it when people he thinks are beneath him are unhappy.

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Gareth Southgate begs fairy folk to let him keep the magic waistcoat

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Gareth Southgate has begged the fair folk of fairyland to let him keep the magic waistcoat for just a few more days, according to reports.

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