Sports

Sports news from NewsThump.com – bringing you the latest from the world of sport, updated every second.

Sam Allardyce to destroy ISIS

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Big Sam Allardyce has retired from football to focus on fucking ISIS right up.

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Sam Allardyce’s retirement cut short after Werther’s Original ‘bung’ allegation

Sam Allardyce’s retirement from football management has abruptly ended following an undercover sting operation where he was apparently filmed accepting a bag of Werther’s Original in exchange for information regarding player contracts in the West Sussex Over 60s Mixed Lawn Bowls Association.

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John Terry retires from football to focus on adultery and racism

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John Terry is tonight celebrating his retirement from football in order to focus on his true passions of adultery and racism.

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Arsenal “didn’t want to play in the smelly Champions League anyway”

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After failing to qualify for UEFA’s flagship competition, Arsenal have declared that the Champions League is smelly rubbish and they’ve got much more interesting things to do anyway.

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God urged to spend less time helping people win sports events

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God has been asked if he could spend less time helping people score winning touchdowns and concentrate on the important stuff.

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Labour pledges free vote on hunting BBC journalists

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Labour have pledged a free vote on hunting BBC journalists after they unforgivably reported what was actually said again.

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Gambling ‘bad’ insists organisation running a sport that would be broke without it

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The football association has banned Joey Barton for 18 months for doing the sort of thing football sponsors definitely want to see more of.

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West Ham and Newcastle United raided by police after fraudulently claiming to be ‘football teams’

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Arrests have been made at West Ham and Newcastle United under the trades descriptions act after they claimed to be ‘football teams’.

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Tories to ban London Marathon after strong runner filmed helping weak runner

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Prime Minister Theresa May has called for the London marathon to be banned after a strong athlete helped a weak athlete in an outrageous display of asphalt-based socialism.

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Relief as Chelsea ensure Britain will not suffer another Chas and Dave FA Cup Final song

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Music lovers across the country are ecstatic that Tottenham’s defeat to Chelsea on Saturday means there won’t be a new FA Cup song recorded by Chas and Dave.

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