Sports

Sports news from NewsThump.com – bringing you the latest from the world of sport, updated every second.

‘Wenger In’ signs appearing at Emirates stadium after new manager’s pathetic start

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Famously tolerant Arsenal fans have already started bringing ‘Wenger In’ signs to matches after Unai Emery’s pathetic start to the season which began with a defeat to the best team in the world.

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Cardiff City storm to 5th place in Premier League

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Cardiff City have made a strong start to their return to the top flight, storming to fifth place in the Premier League.

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UK braces itself for plague of flabby men in cycling shorts following Geraint Thomas victory

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British people have been mentally preparing themselves for the horrific sight of overweight men in tight-fitting lycra huffing around the countryside on brand new racing bikes and claiming they were always keen cycling fans but ‘could never find the time’.

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Geraint Thomas wins Tour de France without indicating once

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Geraint Thoma has won his first Tour de France without once bothering to fucking indicate, according to reports this morning.

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Lance Armstrong’s Tour de France wins reinstated after Brexit revelation that cheating is fine

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Former cyclist Lance Armstrong, who had seven Tour de France wins revoked in 2012 when his long history of doping was exposed, has had all seven wins reinstated.

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Man who thinks ‘participation trophies’ have ruined a generation demands open top bus parade for England team

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A man who will loudly tell you that participation trophies and celebrating ‘taking part’ instead of winning has ruined an entire generation, is demanding the England team get an open top bus parade finishing fourth at the World Cup.

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People briefly interested in football relieved that they can go back to moaning about it again

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New football experts, who are already looking forward to another brief flirtation with the game in 2022, have today declared their relief at once again being able to tell their partners to ‘turn that crap off’ and stop pretending to understand the offside rule.

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F*ck all getting done today admits hungover and miserable England

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After last night’s world cup semi-final defeat, England is too hungover and miserable to do any fucking work today, it has emerged. With hearts that feel like they’ve been stamped on by a Croation football boot, and heads that feel like they’ve been repeatedly booted around a football pitch, England just cannot be arsed today. […]

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Football sees ‘absolute f**king state’ of the country and elects not to come home

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Football, who had been planning to come home this week, has taken a closer look at England, seen what it calls the ‘absolute f**king state’ of the country and taken the decision to not come home for the foreseeable future.

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England fans now bonding over mass return of waistcoats

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England are out of the World Cup and all of those waistcoats are definitely going back.

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