Science

Putting breasts in our mouths does make our behaviour better, admit men

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Men everywhere have responded positively to a new study which suggests that regularly putting a breast in your mouth can significantly improve human behaviour.

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Swindon-based UK Space Agency launches mission to Cirencester

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Since 1971, moongazing citizens have longed for the UK to re-enter the space race, and today, with the establishment of the UK Space Agency in Swindon, the dreams of several dozen may at last be fulfilled.

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Christians use Bible to predict end of statisticians

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After several weeks of painstaking study, UK Christian Bible decoders have emerged with research which they say disproves statistics once and for all.

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20th Century Fox secures movie rights to Supermoon

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Movie studio 20th Century Fox has secured the rights to Supermoon, after millions of morons spent the weekend looking at Earth’s lunar satellite which appeared a tiny bit bigger than normal.

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I must be on the moon to explain about the moon, Brian Cox tells licence fee payers

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Professor Brian Cox has defended the increasingly extravagant locations for his Wonders of the Universe series by insisting that if people really want to understand the moon, the BBC needs to put him on the moon.

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People who’ve seen UFOs are shit at drawing, reveals MoD files

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New documents released by the MoD which reveal witness accounts of UFO sightings, contain drawings of such a poor standard that most people would be reluctant to stick them on their fridge even if their children had drawn them.

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Ancient dinosaur is direct link to Tina Turner, claim scientists

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Scientists believe they have unearthed the direct genetic ancestor of singer Tina Turner, following the discovery of an ancient dinosaur with massive “thunder” thighs and a black eye.

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New study finds Monkeys have human-like disdain for perpetually tedious tests

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Monkeys trained to play computer games have helped to show that it is not just humans that show complete disdain for boring pointless tests, a study says.

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Osborne warns solar flare could impact excuses for next quarter’s GDP figures

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George Osborne has warned the huge solar flare released by the Sun presents him with exactly the same kind of nonsensical excuse that he used when blaming the country’s first steps towards double-dip recession on last year’s cold snap.

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It’s nutritious if you’re in an advanced hypoglycemic coma, claim Coca-Cola

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Coca Cola have been forced to withdraw the word ‘nutritious’ from their Vitamin Water product after a court agreed it could only be considered nutritious by the small percentage of the population currently suffering dangerously low blood sugar.

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