Science

Country where trains are routinely stopped by leaves begins space race with EU

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The UK, a nation that hasn’t launched a rocket into space since 1979, has thrown down the gauntlet to the European Space Agency and decided it would launch a rival GPS network to Galileo despite every single IT project started by the British government turning to utter shit.

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Wonga close to collapse after accidentally borrowing a fiver from itself

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Legitimised loan-shark Wonga is on the brink of collapse after someone in the expenses department pressed the wrong button and borrowed a fiver six months ago.

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Planet Earth to search for better deal by switching away from the Sun as main energy provider

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Planet Earth is planning to switch from using the Sun as its energy supplier, in order to get a better deal on its fuel bills.

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UK to issue no-deal Brexit advice on how to tackle mutant, radioactive cockroaches

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The UK government will issue a comprehensive set of guidelines on how to cope with the hazards posed by a limited nuclear exchange between Brussels and London, it has emerged.

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NASA launches new project with aim of making a printer that actually works

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NASA have today announced a surprising shift of focus away from Mars and onto a project that will actually benefit humanity.

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Northern Grandma beats up entire Southern pub

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A northern Grandma laid waste to an entire East end pub last night after getting into a fight with a group of men.

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Trump unveils sexy, velour Space Force uniforms

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The uniforms for America’s new Space Force will be designed for smooth comfort and easy access, White House sources have confirmed today.

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Avocado hoping to spend National Avocado Day being celebrated meets horrific end dissolved in stomach acid

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Avocados have been left bitterly disappointed after learning that National Avocado Day is in fact bad news for all of them.

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Scientists find strong causal link between being a stupid prick and denying Climate Change

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Scientists have, for the first time, found ‘smoking gun’ evidence that being a stupid prick is responsible for Climate Change denial.

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Water on Mars already better than in most Spanish hotels

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The European Space Agency has announced that water on Mars is already of a better quality than you’d get from a tap in any Spanish hotel.

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