Science

Gigantic sea monster spotted on Google Earth identified as Cthulhu

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A gigantic Kraken-like sea monster spotted on Google Earth has been positively identified as the alien demon-god Cthulhu risen from his eternal slumber today.

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Tim Peake enjoys first normal piss in six months

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The relief of standing in front of a urinal can not be underestimated, according to British astronaut Tim Peake this morning.

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Can I stay up here, it sounds really shit down there, asks Tim Peake

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With the people on Earth on a seemingly never-ending quest to find new ways to fuck each other over, UK astronaut Tim Peake has revealed his reluctance to return.

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People that disagree with you are stupid, finds science

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There is a 98% chance that people with an opinion different to yours are mouth-breathing morons, according to science.

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Flies crash head first into windows to ‘show mates how hard they are’

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Top Entomologist Dr Simon Williams has proved that flies repeatedly crash into panes of glass head first because they’re morons who think they’re really tough.

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US scientists use pigs to grow bacon

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A group of US scientists have hailed a new process in which pigs were used to grow bacon.

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David Cameron delighted at plans to put human organs inside pigs

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Putting human organs inside pigs is the best idea anyone has ever had in the whole world, according to pig-friendly David Cameron.

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Faster expansion of the universe blamed on migrants

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The universe is about to burst due to the number of migrants flooding in, according to right-wing astronomers.

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Trexit could mean intergalactic war, warn Klingons

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In a stark warning issued today, the Klingons cautioned that if Earth leaves the United Federation of Planets – a move widely referred to as ‘Trexit’ – it could plunge the galaxy into an economic recession, or even worse, all-out war.

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Kepler Telescope discovers one thousand earth-like tax havens

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George Osborne and David Cameron may be hiding their money on a planet eleven light years away.

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