Science

Send all the hurricanes you want, we’re not going to stop wanking, God told

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Punishing humanity for masturbating isn’t going to work so you may as well give it up, God has been told today.

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iPhone X to include revolutionary arsehole recognition technology

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The new iPhone X will recognise the unique arsehole signature of its users and automatically log them in, according to details released today.

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House spider just wants a cuddle

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It’s cold out there, and house spiders just want to come in for a cuddle to warm them up.

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Northern scientists conclusively prove Southern softness

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Experts at the Barnsley Institute of Fighting & Technology have made a breakthrough in softness-identification technology, according to reports today.

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‘I’ve never seen Game of Thrones’ the new ‘I’m a vegan’

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A man who has never seen Game of Thrones and isn’t going to start now seems to think that everyone wants to hear about it.

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‘Pregnant’ immigrant panda puts in early bid for Edinburgh council flat

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Edinburgh Zoo has said there are ‘strong indications’ that its pregnant giant panda has already asked the local council for a flat.

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Killer robots to herald “end of society as we know it” by repeatedly voting for right-wing leaders

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Killer robots driven by artificial intelligence could bring about the end of the world as we know it by repeatedly voting Tory, according to futurologists.

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Going blind from staring directly at the sun is a myth, insists Trump

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Donald Trump has defended his decision to look directly at the sun yesterday, insisting the claim that doing so could damage your eyesight is no more than a hoax made up by the Chinese and a handful of stupid scientists.

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Donald Trump now blind as well as stupid

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Following yesterday’s solar eclipse, Donald Trump has become the first world leader to be blinded while in office.

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Donald Trump’s ego to plunge US into darkness by passing between Earth and Sun

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The United States will be temporarily plunged into darkness today when Donald Trump’s enormous ego passes between the Earth and the Sun.

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