Science

New species of ancient Human finally gives scientific explanation for Wayne Rooney

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Anthropologists are rejoicing today after discovering the remains of a new species of human that began the evolutionary trail that led to the existence of Wayne Rooney.

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Stephen Hawking tells One Direction fans of alternate universe in which all band members are dead

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Theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking has told One Direction fans around the world that there is a parallel universe in which every member of the boy band is dead.

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Professor Brian Cox to spend three nights staring up into his own anus

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Celebrity astronomer Professor Brian Cox is to spend three consecutive nights staring up his own arse in a new BBC special.

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Dogging sites across northern Britain get spectacular view of the northern lights

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Doggers across northern Britain were treated to a magnificent view of the Northern Lights last night.

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Internet clashes escalate over whether Mars rock is ‘black and blue’ or ‘gold and grey’

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Recently released photos of NASA’s Curiosity Rover’s excavation of Mars appears to show the Red Planet is actually black and blue, according to some angry people on the Internet.

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William Shatner steals Space Shuttle to search for reborn Leonard Nimoy

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An arrest warrant has been issued for Star Trek actor William Shatner, who is reported to have stolen the space shuttle Enterprise.

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Alien species on verge of uncovering mysteries of the human anus

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After decades of missions to Earth, and literally thousands of anal probes, a species of alien is on the verge of declaring the human anus mystery ‘solved’.

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Samsung TVs already as smart as reality television contestants, warn AI experts

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Samsung’s new range of smart TVs are expected to reach full sentience at some point this year, and become the dominant life form on the planet within 5 years.

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Asteroid survives near miss with moron-infected planet

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Asteroid 2004 BL86 has dramatically survived a near-miss with ‘Earth’, a planet well-known for carrying dangerously high levels of morons.

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Correction, artificial intelligence will be brilliant, confirms Stephen Hawking’s computer

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At a hastily convened press-conference a sleeping Stephen Hawking has told reporters that he made a mistake and actually believes artificial intelligence will be great for everyone.

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