Science

Correction, artificial intelligence will be brilliant, confirms Stephen Hawking’s computer

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At a hastily convened press-conference a sleeping Stephen Hawking has told reporters that he made a mistake and actually believes artificial intelligence will be great for everyone.

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Creationists demand evidence of missing link between HIV viruses

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HIV has not ‘evolved’ into a less deadly form, because scientists don’t have any fossils of the missing link between old HIV and new HIV, according to creationists this morning.

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New bio-bus to run on bullshit election manifestos

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The UK’s first bus powered entirely by the excrement inside an election manifesto has gone into service between Bristol and Bath.

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Kim Kardashian slammed for ‘offensive’ science shirt

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Just days after attempting to ‘break the internet’ with her nude photoshoot in New York’s Paper Magazine, the reality TV star has been criticised for wearing a shirt that ‘demeans’ the scientific community.

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European space robot Philae criticised for parking in comet’s disabled bay

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European robot probe Philae has been criticised for parking in a disabled bay on Comet 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko, simply because it was more convenient.

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Middle-aged chimps observed buying small red sports cars

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As researchers discovered that chimpanzees and orangutans may undergo a form of ‘mid-life crisis’, the first reports of a chimp purchasing a small red sports car emerged.

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Ancient Scottish fish ‘invented felching’

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An international team of researchers says a fish called Microbrachius dicki is the first-known animal to indulge in the improbable sexual practice known as felching.

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Prof Brian Cox to unravel mysteries of automated customer service systems

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The unfathomable mysteries behind most automated customer service systems are at the heart of Professor Brian Cox’s new television project, it has been revealed today.

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Ebola panic subsides as scientists find cure for white people

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Global panic surrounding the Ebola virus has begun to subside after it was revealed an experimental treatment has cured every white person who has received it.

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3-foot wasps nest in bed now top excuse for avoiding sex

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Wasps nests have overtaken ‘headaches’ as the nation’s top excuse for avoiding coitus, it has emerged.

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