Science

New study shows adolescence lasts from age of 10 until end of your Presidency

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A new study has recommended changing the ages that define adolescence to be from the age of 10 to at least the end of the first term of your Presidency, unless you never plan to be President, in which case it is 24.

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Horsehead Nebula actually a terrible threat by the space mafia

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The Horsehead Nebula was just left ‘lying around’ by the space mafia to let astronomers know to watch their step, according to reports.

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New Year Honours list ‘an absolute joke’, claims lazy bastard who has never helped anyone else

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A lazy, selfish bastard who has never lifted a finger to help anyone else has labelled the New Year Honours list a ‘complete joke’.

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Santa chooses the blue-nosed reindeer

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Father Christmas has chosen the blue-nosed reindeer, gone back to bed and believed whatever he wants to believe.

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I KNEW it, says every man still alive

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Man-flu is real, and we finally have the proof, claimed men everywhere this morning.

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Well, you’ve fucked up the oceans, David Attenborough confirms

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David Attenborough used the last episode of Blue Planet II to explain just how badly you’ve fucked things up last night.

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Facebook now the Weather Channel

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You don’t need to look out of the window this morning because everyone on Facebook has done it for you.

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David Davis: “Schrödinger’s Brexit Impact Assessments simultaneously exist and don’t exist”

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Brexit Secretary David Davis has admitted under committee questioning that due to the laws of quantum mechanics, the Brexit Impact Assessments that he commissioned both simultaneously exist and don’t exist.

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Man subjected to unwanted verbose response after he greeted work colleague with “how you doing?”

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Office worker, Simon Williams is today recovering from an encounter with a work colleague, after he mistakenly thought a cursory greeting would be responded to with an equally limited response.

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Psychiatric wards overwhelmed as Daily Mail readers try to like brown-skinned immigrant

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Many Daily Mail readers have suffered severe mental breakdowns when faced with the idea of sycophantically fawning over someone they would normally be subjecting to thinly veiled racist abuse in the MailOnline comments section.

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