Science

3-foot wasps nest in bed now top excuse for avoiding sex

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Wasps nests have overtaken ‘headaches’ as the nation’s top excuse for avoiding coitus, it has emerged.

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UK DNA research to focus on getting you drunk more easily

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DNA researchers in the UK are to take a leading role in genetically ensuring value for money when it comes to consuming alcohol, according to reports today.

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‘Biggest dinosaur’ fossil put there as a joke by Jesus, claim creationists

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The largest dinosaur fossil ever found was put in the ground by Jesus playing a practical joke, creationists have confirmed this morning.

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Actual mad scientist busy smearing excrement on whiteboard

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After hiring a mad scientist in the hope of taking innovation to the next level, executives at a leading research firm say the initial results have been disappointing.

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Scientists claim new microscope powerful enough to see George Osborne’s heart

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The UK has earmark £165m to join a project to build a ‘super-microscope’ in Sweden, in the hope of finally gathering evidence than George Osborne has a heart.

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3D printer creates new backbone for Nick Clegg

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A leading orthopaedic surgeon has used the latest 3D printing techniques to create a new backbone for Lib Dem leader and Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg.

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Scientists discover coldest place on Earth at centre of George Osborne’s chest

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Scientists have declared that the newly discovered black abyss where George Osborne’s heart should be is now officially the coldest place on Earth, having recorded temperatures of -95.6 Celsius.

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Scientists discover ‘chimney’ mispronunciation gene

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Cambridge Scientists believe they may have discovered a genetic defect that makes some people say ‘chimley’ instead of ‘chimney’, according to a study published in the journal Nature.

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NSA delighted by people voluntarily giving fingerprints to computers

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The NSA has welcomed Apple adding fingerprint scanners to their devices, saying it will really add depth to their illegally obtained database of information about you.

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Women to add ‘testicle measurement’ to first date check list

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First date conversations could soon include questions about your career, family and testicle size, men were told this morning.

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