Science

Artistic impressions of exoplanets need more flying saucers and ray guns, scientists told

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Scientists stand accused of being boring and unimaginative after yet another tedious artist’s impression of a new alien world was released today.

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Conspiracy theorists claim ‘maths’ a tool of the illuminati

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Reacting to the news that it has been mathematically proven most conspiracy theories are a load of pony and trap, theorists have added mathematicians to the ever-growing list of people controlled by the New World Order.

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Andy Murray ‘made in Scotland from Girders’, claim scientists

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Andy Murray is in fact a remarkable tennis-playing robot built by an eccentric Scottish granddad in his shed, we can reveal.

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Amazon delivery drones to autodetect when you’re not at home

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Amazon has announced a major breakthrough in developing drone technology which can detect when you’re not in.

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Old Nokia handsets would be the only thing to survive the apocalypse, claim scientists

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The only man-made objects to survive a nuclear war would be old Nokia handsets, according to a study published today.

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More than 50% of people on Internet comments threads fail the Turing test

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It’s impossible to tell the difference between most people on the Internet and a very sweary robot, researchers have confirmed.

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Scientists asked to cancel 2016 leap-second

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Scientists have been asked to cancel the 2016 ‘leap second’ because people don’t want this year dragging out any longer than it needs to be.

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Homeopathy ‘100% effective at curing thirst’ admit actual real scientists

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Followers of the mystical art of homeopathy were claiming a major success yesterday, after scientists admitted that homeopathic remedies are wholly effective at curing thirst.

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Google teaches self-driving car to understand ‘wanker!’ hand gesture

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In a major step forward, Google has successfully taught their prototype self-driving car to understand several common road hand-signals, including ‘wanker’, knobhead’, and ‘swivel on this.’

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Reality continues to crumble in the wake of David Bowie’s death

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Six months after the death of David Bowie, normal reality is collapsing at an ever-increasing rate.

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