Science

Middle-aged chimps observed buying small red sports cars

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As researchers discovered that chimpanzees and orangutans may undergo a form of ‘mid-life crisis’, the first reports of a chimp purchasing a small red sports car emerged.

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Ancient Scottish fish ‘invented felching’

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An international team of researchers says a fish called Microbrachius dicki is the first-known animal to indulge in the improbable sexual practice known as felching.

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Prof Brian Cox to unravel mysteries of automated customer service systems

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The unfathomable mysteries behind most automated customer service systems are at the heart of Professor Brian Cox’s new television project, it has been revealed today.

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Ebola panic subsides as scientists find cure for white people

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Global panic surrounding the Ebola virus has begun to subside after it was revealed an experimental treatment has cured every white person who has received it.

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3-foot wasps nest in bed now top excuse for avoiding sex

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Wasps nests have overtaken ‘headaches’ as the nation’s top excuse for avoiding coitus, it has emerged.

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UK DNA research to focus on getting you drunk more easily

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DNA researchers in the UK are to take a leading role in genetically ensuring value for money when it comes to consuming alcohol, according to reports today.

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‘Biggest dinosaur’ fossil put there as a joke by Jesus, claim creationists

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The largest dinosaur fossil ever found was put in the ground by Jesus playing a practical joke, creationists have confirmed this morning.

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Actual mad scientist busy smearing excrement on whiteboard

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After hiring a mad scientist in the hope of taking innovation to the next level, executives at a leading research firm say the initial results have been disappointing.

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Scientists claim new microscope powerful enough to see George Osborne’s heart

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The UK has earmark £165m to join a project to build a ‘super-microscope’ in Sweden, in the hope of finally gathering evidence than George Osborne has a heart.

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3D printer creates new backbone for Nick Clegg

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A leading orthopaedic surgeon has used the latest 3D printing techniques to create a new backbone for Lib Dem leader and Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg.

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