Science

Erosion of Yorkshire coast traced to Lancastrians stealing bits of it

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Top geologists were left reeling today at the shock discovery that the Yorkshire coast is not being eroded by “tectonic stuff” as has long been assumed.

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Britain First fury over plans to bring ISS capsule to the UK

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Britain First have spoken out against the ‘Muslimification’ of space, after Major Tim Peake announced plans to bring his Muslamic capsule from the Islamic Space Station to the UK.

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Buzz Aldrin evacuated from South Pole after battling Shoggoths beneath the ice

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86-year-old Buzz Aldrin has been evacuated from the South Pole after engaging in fisticuffs with Shoggoths in an ancient city beneath the ice, we can report.

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Vegetarians no longer allowed to eat £5 notes

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Vegetarians surviving solely on a diet of old £5 notes will no longer be able to survive after it was revealed the new fiver contains small amounts of tallow, derived from animal waste products.

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Petition to have Michael Gove cryogenically frozen reaches 9 million

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Britain is extremely keen for Michael Gove to be shoved into a freezer, it has emerged.

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Man to be cryogenically preserved until ‘everything stops being shit’

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Following a court’s decision to allow the body of a teenager to be cryogenically preserved until her disease can be cured, a man is seeking to be cryogenically preserved until everything is no longer shit.

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Exoplanet PSRB1257’s immigration website crashes due to heavy demand

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In the wake of the US election result, exoplanet PSRB1257 has stated that its immigration website crashed multiple times due to large numbers of earthlings looking to move there.

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UK’s largest worm to get Viking funeral

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The earthworm is expected to join Harambe in Valhalla where they will toast their valour for all eternity.

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‘Dark Matter’ which holds reality together finally identified as coffee

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The mysterious ‘dark matter’ which is believed to hold the universe together has been positively identified as coffee, astrophysicists have confirmed.

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World enters post-satire era

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The world has entered a new era where it has become impossible to distinguish between satire and reality, historians have confirmed.

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