Politics

Ed Miliband in puberty bid after ‘deep voices win votes’ study

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A study suggesting voters pick candidates with a deeper voice has prompted Labour leader Ed Milliband to speed up his quest to reach puberty before his 42nd birthday.

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Cameron promises Osborne and Hague he’ll ask Obama if they can visit Air force One cockpit

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Prime Minister David Cameron has promised an excited William Hague and George Osborne that he will ask US President Barack Obama if they can visit the cockpit of presidential plane, Air Force One, as long as they promise not to touch anything.

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Nick Clegg and President of Austin Allegro Owners’ Club celebrate ‘special relationship’

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Nick Clegg and the president of the Austin Allegro Owner’s Club have claimed their relationship is a ‘unique asset’ to people who crave disappointment, or who are brought together by a mutual love of awful cars from the ’70s.

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European Commission withdraws promo video: ‘Foreign Basterds’

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The European Commission has been forced to withdraw a video promoting the expansion of the Eurozone, made exclusively from the gory bits of Quentin Tarantino films.

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Legalisation of same-sex marriage will turn UK into one big sweaty bumchain, warn traditionalists

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After equalities minister Lynne Featherstone said the government was entitled to introduce same-sex marriages, those opposed to the move have expressed concerns that they could end up married to a gaysexual by accident.

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Eric Joyce looking forward to huge increase in majority

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Scottish Labour MP Eric Joyce is said to be looking forward to a huge increase in his Falkirk constituency majority, after allegations emerged that he had assaulted a Tory in the House of Commons bar.

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Cameron to host NHS overhaul meeting with cast of Holby City

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After struggling to find any healthcare professionals that support the government’s changes to the NHS, Prime Minister David Cameron is to host a meeting in which he will discuss the controversial changes with some fictional nurses and doctors from the television.

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Christian councillors win back religious freedom to tell people what to think

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Communities secretary Eric Pickles has revealed that the government intends to reverse a high court decision that prevents Christian councillors exercising a ‘religious freedom’ to pray to an omnipresent cloud dweller during council meetings.

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Doctors slam ‘needlessly complex’ 555 non-emergency line for stubbed toes

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Doctors have criticised plans to streamline emergency phone calls into nine different phone numbers, from 111, 222 through to the full-on 999.

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Cameron to convince Scotland to vote for independence by arguing against it

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Prime Minister David Cameron is to use a speech in Edinburgh to convince Scotland to vote for independence by outlining why a posh Etonian thinks they shouldn’t.

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