Politics

Barnett Formula calculated to equal the square root of fuck all

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The Barnett Formula, the mechanism that proportionately allocates government funding to England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, has been calculated to equal the square root of fuck all in the wake of the £1bn of extra cash given to Northern Ireland in return for the DUP supporting the minority Tory government.

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EU Brexit team absolutely delighted to see Tories out-negotiated by DUP for a billion quid

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Brexit negotiators inside the EU could not be happier to see the UK government writing massive cheques when put under a little bit of pressure, according to sources in Brussels.

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Everyone in Northern Ireland to get a free pony

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Everyone in Northern Ireland will receive a free pony, Theresa May has confirmed today.

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UK set for unprecedented economic boom as Brexiters begin ‘talking the country up’

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After learning that how you talk about the country can affect its economic performance on the world stage, Brexiters full of positive thoughts have told the nation to prepare for unprecedented growth.

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Tories agree £1bn deal with DUP after finally locating elusive magic money tree

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A magical tree on which government money grows has miraculously been found in time to secure a deal with the DUP, a government spokesperson has confirmed.

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Dave Grohl slams Jeremy Corbyn as Foo sympathiser

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Following Jeremy Corbyn’s triumphant Glastonbury appearance on the same stage as the Foo Fighters, Dave Grohl has revealed that the Labour leader has secret links to the Foo and even sympathises with them.

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Ministers able to access World of Warcraft again after Parliament cyber-attack

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There was relief amongst ministers this morning as they were able to access their World of Warcraft accounts for the first time after the cyber-attack on Parliament last Friday.

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Build bridges not walls says festival with massive security fence

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Glastonbury has become a torch-bearer for the free movement of people after erecting a massive fence to keep the hippies out.

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A patriotic media is the foundation of a fair and democratic society, confirms Kim Jong-un

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The North Korean leader has confirmed that having a patriotic news organisation is crucial to gaining the trust of the populace.

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Jeremy Corbyn unexpectedly wins over notoriously right-wing Glastonbury crowd

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Jeremy Corbyn has stunned his critics by being cheered to the rafters by the notoriously pro-Tory crowd at Glastonbury yesterday.

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