Politics

Donald Trump to release classified JFK files as soon as staff finish writing ‘Obama did it’ on every page

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Donald Trump has agreed to release classified files related to the JFK assassination, just as soon as his team have finished editing them.

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You have no idea how stupid my electorate is, May tells EU leaders while asking for help

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At a working dinner for the EU council, Theresa May begged the 27 leaders to give her something she could use to “make the curtain-twitchers believe they’ve got one up on Johnny Foreigner”.

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Scots to discipline children by sending them to England

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As Scotland bans smacking, parents north of the border are punishing children by threatening to send them to England.

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Government to reduce crime by redefining it

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With the number of crimes recorded annually in England and Wales rising by 13% in the last 10 years, the government has revealed plans to change its definition.

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Bill Clinton gets through Downing Street meeting without trying to fuck anything

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Former President Bill Clinton has visited 10 Downing Street without defiling it.

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Fake Melania Trump hires Fake Fake Melania Trump

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The fake Melania Trump – hired by Melania Trump to fill in for her by standing silently alongside Donald Trump – has herself hired a body-double, it has emerged.

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World’s leading sociopath fails empathy hurdle

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The most powerful sociopath in the world has failed to successfully replicate the human emotion of empathy, according to reports today.

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EU migrants have my word they can stay in the UK, says woman who changes her mind like her knickers

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Theresa May has given her word to the UK’s EU migrants that the process to say in the UK after Brexit will be easy and cheap, promising this won’t be like all those other assurances that she’s given in the last couple of years.

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Boris Johnson arrested for torturing a metaphor

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The political world was left in shock after Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson was arrested yesterday for torture of a metaphor.

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Prime Minister’s Questions to be renamed ‘Jeopardy’

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Prime Minister’s Questions is to be named after the game show Jeopardy, with MPs receiving cash prizes for guessing which question Theresa May is actually answering.

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