Politics

No plans to shag any children, confirms Cameron

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Prime Minister, David Cameron, is not planning to have sex with a child in the near future, he confirmed today.

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Class War to rebrand as Middle-Class Guilt War

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Left-wing protesting organisation Class War is to reposition as Middle-Class Guilt War with immediate effect, they have announced this morning.

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Man failing to give tiniest shit about what biscuits politicians eat

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A man on the Internet has said he literally couldn’t give less of a shit what sort of biscuits politicians eat in their meetings.

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Calais migrants to be reclassified as ‘goblins’ to avoid accidental bouts of conscience

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The migrants currently living in Calais in order to get into Britain are to be reclassified from ‘potential immigrants’ to ‘goblins’ to ensure everyone feels better about it.

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Labour Party angrily attacks Labour Party’s record

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The Labour Party has today issued its most strongly worded attack yet upon the Labour Party’s record in government.

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Labour to seek Taliban advice on running swift leadership campaigns

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The Labour Party were taking notes last night after the Taliban managed to elect a new leader in just 24 hours.

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Migrants dying in Channel Tunnel urged to call themselves ‘Cecil’

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Migrants risking their lives to travel through the channel tunnel have been told to give themselves a nice friendly name like ‘Cecil’ to make sure people give a toss whether they live or die.

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Liberal Democrats still unable to find anyone who gives a toss about their new leader

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There is disappointment in the Liberal Democrat ‘party’ as they remain unable to find a single man, woman or child who could care less that they’ve got a new leader.

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Labour supporters start hedge funds build media empires to influence next Tory leadership campaign

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Labour supporters are seeking to influence the next leader of the Conservative party by starting hedge funds and building billion dollar media empires.

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Criminals to stop doing burglaries unless police ‘keep it interesting’

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If police are to stop investigating burglaries, then challenge-seeking criminals will just stop doing them altogether, according to sources today.

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