Politics

Televised Scottish Independence debate ‘still going strong’ in pub round corner

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Last night’s BBC Scottish Independence debate has entered its thirteenth hour in a pub around the corner from the studio, according to sources.

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Regulated rail fares to rise from ‘Outrageous’ to ‘Exorbitant’

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Rail fares will rise an average of 3.5% in the new year, according to the Association of Train Operating Companies, elevating current prices from ‘outrageous’ to ‘exorbitant’.

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UN diverts aid convoys to ‘penniless’ Mark Simmonds MP

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The UN has diverted aid convoys bound for Northern Iraq in a bid to save ‘destitute’ Foreign Office Minister Mark Simmonds.

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Ebola virus to be top sick-day excuse by this weekend

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British workers looking for a cheeky day off have explained how the Ebola virus will be their excuse of choice moving forward.

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Cameron urges worldwide boycott of Russian dolls

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Prime Minister David Cameron, in response to Russia’s latest fascist groove thang, is calling on nations to stop purchasing Russian dolls, which get progressively smaller as you open them up.

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Gove: Day 2 of Job ‘A Success’ as Merely Loses Trousers, Slips in Dog Turd

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Sacked Education Secretary Michael Gove pronounced the second day of his new job ‘a complete success,’ having avoided getting locked in the toilet for a second day running.

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Lost Royal Mail £1bn found ‘alive and well’ in investment bank client accounts

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The £1bn ‘lost’ by the taxpayer during the sale of the Royal Mail has been found alive and well in the client accounts of the banks advising on the sale, according to reports this morning.

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Britain’s low paid wondering if they can ‘upgrade to slavery’

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Thousands of Britain’s low paid workers are wondering if they can upgrade to slavery as a result of the Modern Slavery Bill.

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Blow to ‘Yes’ campaign as Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi decrees Scotland part of caliphate

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The campaign for an independent Scotland has suffered a major setback with news that Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has decreed that an independent Scotland will be his caliphate’s northern extremity.

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MPs claimed expenses for children’s home visits

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MPs who fiddled with children at a variety of locations have denied fiddling any expenses they ran up. Up to twenty MPs have so far been implicated in the latest expenses scandal, forcing Theresa May to set up a full public inquiry into ‘Fiddlergate’.

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