Politics

Killing people more important than looking after them, confirms Hammond

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Killing foreign people is much important than looking after our own people, claimed Defence Secretary Phillip Hammond today, insisting further benefit cuts should be used to prevent defence cuts.

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Cameron and Clegg ‘perfect couple’ for Mars Mission, insists everyone

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David Cameron and Nick Clegg are the ideal choice for Dennis Tito’s Mars adventure wildcard voyage to the Red Planet, according to the entire population of the UK.

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Eight year-old Eastleigh resident slams ‘rubbish’ media circus

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Promises that an Eastleigh meet the candidates meeting would be a ‘media circus’ were well wide of the mark, according to Gavin Henderson, aged 8.

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I didn’t know that I knew about thing I didn’t know about, insists Clegg

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Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has moved quickly to deny claims of a cover-up over the alleged inappropriate behaviour of the party’s former chief executive, Lord Rennard, by insisting that he didn’t know that he knew that he didn’t know.

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Moody’s to downgrade UK threesomes to twosomes

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Sex fanatics’ worst fears were confirmed this morning after credit-rating agency Moody’s expressed a lack of confidence in the UK’s ability to perform group sex convincingly.

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Ministers unveil route of controversial ‘Hadrian’s Wall 2’

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The route of Hadrian’s Wall 2, a ruinously expensive unlink between Scotland and the South, has been revealed by Ministers in London.

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Axed soldiers ‘overjoyed’ as Cameron personally guarantees future of Red Arrows

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Those at the sharp end of military cutbacks have announced their ‘overwhelming sense of joy’ after PM David Cameron pledged to secure the future of shiny red aeroplanes performing ‘outrageous’ stunts.

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Workfare to end ‘something-for-nothing culture’ by giving multi-million pound companies something for nothing

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Iain Duncan Smith has defended the controversial Workfare scheme by claiming that the best way to end a “something-for-nothing culture” is to provide multi-million pound companies with something for nothing.

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Iain Duncan-Smith calls for shop worker ‘stacker-laureate’ qualification

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Iain Duncan-Smith has called for a new European style ‘stacker-laureate’, to demonstrate just how important shelf-stacking is to the British economy.

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Foxes developing ability to carry out low-level car crime

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Following news that foxes have developed the ability to walk through open doors, there have been increased calls to repeal the hunting ban after claims they have also developed the ability to carry out opportunistic car crime.

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