Politics

Geordie accent to be banned under new data encryption laws

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The Geordie accent will be banned under new encryption laws to be brought in by the government, we can report today.

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Minute’s silence to be held for victims of benefit cuts

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PM David Cameron will hold a minute’s silence for the forgotten victims of the British benefits tragedy.

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Benefits shake-up to incentivise ill people to get better

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Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Iain Duncan-Smith is confident that a shake-up to incapacity benefits will give ill people the incentive and encouragement they need to get better.

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Titanic to hold referendum on deckchair arrangement

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The Captain of the SS Titanic has announced there will be a referendum on the arrangement of deckchairs this weekend.

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US Supreme Court rules homophobes and bigots should go f*ck themselves

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The US Supreme Court made history today by ruling that closet cases and other bigots who try to feel better about themselves by hating gays should probably, on balance, get fucked.

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Greece given last chance for 1,274th time

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Greece has been given it’s 1,274th last chance, we can report this morning.

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Ed Miliband exercises his right to be forgotten

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Former Labour leader Ed Whatsisname is exercising his legal right to be forgotten, we can report today.

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We came up with a solution to the Greek crisis but the dog ate it, says EU

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The European Union came up with a costed, workable and equitable plan to resolve the Greek crisis over the weekend but the dog ate it, we can report this morning.

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Confederate flag protest sees Duke Of Hazzard forced to borrow wife’s Nissan Micra

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The US confederate flag protest has now reached Hazzard County, making life difficult for cousins Luke and Bo Duke.

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What did you think we were doing, ask spies who spied

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After public outrage at revelations GCHQ is spying on people, spies are wondering what the fuck people think they do all day.

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