Politics

Ministers begin NHS policy rewrite by opening thesaurus at word ‘dismantle’

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Ministers have agreed to a significant rewrite of their controversial NHS proposals after opening the cabinet thesaurus at the word ‘dismantle’.

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Ed Miliband in training against a wet paper bag, confirm Labour insiders

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With the general election only months away, the Labour Party has put Ed Miliband on a strict training regimen against moistened sheets of brown paper.

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Liberal Democrats pledge referendum on Creme Eggs

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With fewer than 100 days to go to the election, the Liberal Democrats have made their first major policy announcement with a national referendum on the recipe for creme eggs.

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Russia’s credit rating is just fine actually, insists last surviving S&P analyst

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Less than a day after ratings agency Standard and Poor’s downgraded Russian debt to ‘junk’, the last living member of the ratings team has staged a remarkable u-turn.

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Concern as Tories welcome defecting Dark Lord of the Sith

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Grass-roots Conservatives have expressed concern after a high-profile Dark Lord of the Sith defecting from the Empire, according to reports this morning.

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Hoax caller ‘met his match’ in conversation with charlatan

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A man who spends his days pulling the wool over other people’s eyes has been called on his mobile by a hoaxer, according to sources this morning.

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King Abdullah praised for dragging Saudi Arabia into 14th century

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Following the death of King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, world leaders have been paying tribute to his achievement in giving Saudi Arabia an authentic medieval feel.

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Stark warning for SNP as Scotland’s Hate Reserves run low

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Scotland is heading for a crisis as its reserves of hate are estimated to have fallen at unprecedented levels.

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Opinionated arseholes ‘really looking forward to election’, report shows

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With less than five months to go to a general election, the highly opinionated people in your social circle are already gearing up for what will be the highlight of their year.

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UKIP manifesto to be released in plain packaging

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UKIP’s election manifesto is to be released in a plain wrapper due to its potentially harmful effect on voters.

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