Noughties

Miliband marriage proves weddings can still be tedious

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Ed Miliband’s wedding has finally made people reconsider the ridiculous notion that every high-profile marriage ceremony is the sort of event you wish you’d been invited to.

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Murdoch buys MySpace, giving new bands excellent soul selling opportunities

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Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation has bought music and social networking giant MySpace, in a deal that will thrill ideologically challenged indie bands who would sell their grandmother to Satan in return for an industrial-sized fan base.

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All pubs to smell of vomit and body odour

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The smoking ban came into force at midnight last night, ensuring the nation’s public houses allow the remaining repulsive aromas to fully penetrate drinkers’ nasal cavities.

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De Menezes proves target practise is paying off, says Police Chief

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Metropolitan Police Chief Sir Ian Blair spoke last night of his pride in the new training regime which allowed his officers to shoot Jean Charles De Menezes with such unerring accuracy.

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Charles Kennedy sobers up and immediately offers to get a proper job

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Newly-sober Charles Kennedy has resigned as leader of the Liberal Democrats after finally having a moment of clarity in which he realised what a fruitless existence he maintained whilst in that position.

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Millennium Bug now sheepishly pondering its next move

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The Millennium Bug, humiliated by its pathetic failure yesterday to cause the downfall of western civilisation by buggering all computer systems, everywhere, forever, is now cowering sheepishly behind a skirting board in Hampshire, pondering its next move.

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Put down the champagne, the powder was harmless, revelers told

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Street party organisers have been told to put the champagne back on ice after the purple powder thrown at at British Prime Minister Tony Blair in the House of Commons proved to be completely harmless.

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Decoded human genome will cure cancer and create huge penises

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The human genome project has been completed, with the human DNA sequence finally unravelled allowing science to investigate cures for the worst of the planet’s ailments, like cancer and disappointing penises.

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Iraq has face-melting and genital-shrinking technology, insists Blair

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Prime Minister Tony Blair this morning announced that evidence has been found that Iraq is harbouring weapons capable of melting your face and shrinking your genitals, and as such, we must go to war immediately.

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Liverpool as European City of Culture is not a joke, insists EU

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The award of European City of Culture to British city Liverpool is not an elaborate joke on the people of Merseyside, the European Union has insisted today.

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