Health

First privatised NHS hospital announces minimum dress code

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A ground-breaking privatised NHS hospital has been welcomed by ministers after the new owners insisted that going upmarket and introducing a minimum dress code will keep out the riff-raff.

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False hope should be available on the NHS, insists Archbishop of York

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The Archbishop of York has insisted during a debate in the House of Lords that the NHS bill for England must feature health care that is centred around his belief that you can cure someone by having a jolly good pray and lighting a candle.

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Dietitians urge Scots to adopt English diet of pasties on motorways

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Dietitians claim up to 4,000 lives a year could be saved in Scotland, if people adopted ‘a more English’ diet of hastily consumed pre-packed service station pastries.

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Relief as drug that killed Amy Winehouse proves to have been fully taxable

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There was relief among the public yesterday after it emerged that the overdose which killed Amy Winehouse was from one of those drugs which provides significant tax revenue for the government.

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Seven billion people ‘not a problem’ if Eamonn Holmes stops eating, claim experts

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Planet Earth has enough resources to feed everyone if Eamonn Holmes stops shovelling food into his mouth, it emerged today.

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NHS faces unannounced spot-checks by undertakers

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Health Secretary Andrew Lansley is getting tough on standards of care in the NHS, by introducing a system of random spotchecks from undertakers, to see if anyone is still alive.

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Avoid alcohol during that period when you swear never to drink again, warn experts

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Experts have warned that people should avoid alcohol in the 48 hours after a heavy drinking session, especially during the period generally filled with weepy pledges never to touch the stuff ever again.

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Daily Mail down to just 2,376,251 potential causes of cancer

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After research indicated that there is no link between mobile phones and brain cancer, the Daily Mail has been forced to reduce its list of headline carcinogens to just 2,376,251.

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Public accuses NHS of using taxis ‘like ambulances’

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People across the UK have slammed NHS bosses for treating taxi services ‘like ambulances’ and diverting important resources away from people who are in desperate need for a lift back from the pub, or a trip through the McDonalds Drive-thru.

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Not stealing money ‘harming MPs mental health’ warns doctor

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The doctor responsible for the health of MPs has said that the new expenses rules preventing them from stealing your money is having an adverse effect on their ‘mental well-being’.

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