Health

Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh are terrible gift ideas for a baby, insist midwives

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Despite the shining example of generosity depicted in the Bible, midwives have today issued advice against giving newborn babies exquisite yet practically useless gifts for Christmas.

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Yep, Peppa Pig is to blame for the NHS crisis, not me, says relieved Jeremy Hunt

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Jeremy Hunt, the MP for cockney rhyming slang, has today expressed his relief at being able to pin the blame for the state of the NHS on someone other than himself.

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I KNEW it, says every man still alive

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Man-flu is real, and we finally have the proof, claimed men everywhere this morning.

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‘I have a Diet Coke with each of my twelve meals per day, why can’t I lose weight?’ Trump asks Coca-Cola

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A mystified Donald Trump has asked Coca-Cola to explain why he is not losing weight despite drinking up to twelve cans of Diet Coke every day.

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Well, you’ve fucked up the oceans, David Attenborough confirms

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David Attenborough used the last episode of Blue Planet II to explain just how badly you’ve fucked things up last night.

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Man commits to lying about exercise by buying really expensive trainers

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Buying a really expensive pair of trainers has ensured that local man Simon Williams will really put the hours into lying about how much exercise he does in them.

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Mum finally accepts ketchup bottle is empty

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Local mother Simone Williams has finally accepted the bottle of ketchup she has been shaking and scraping with a knife for the last year is actually empty today.

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BMW driver’s tan actually caused by rear lights of all the people he’s tailgated

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The rich, dark tan sported by a BMW driver was actually caused by him sitting an eighth of an inch from other people’s rear lights all the time.

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Seasonal Affective Disorder more punctual than Southern Rail

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Your Seasonal Affective Disorder has arrived bang on time yet again, putting to shame those organisations that work to an official timetable.

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Fat and ugly Scots fearful for sex lives as government proposes minimum alcohol price

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The government is proposing a minimum price of 50p per unit of alcohol in Scotland in an effort to stamp out ugly and fat people having sex.

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