Health

Norovirus outbreak sees Winter Olympic staff break sprinting records in mad dash for toilets

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An outbreak of the norovirus in the host city of the 2018 Winter Olympics has seen most existing sprinting records broken, according to reports.

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The NHS is failing, declares man behind wildly successful Trump Steaks and Trump Vodka brands

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An American businessman who is known for running hugely successful ventures such as Trump Steaks has slammed Britain’s NHS as ‘going broke and not working’.

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Foreign drug abuser Katie Hopkins puts strain on hard-pressed South African health services

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Katie Hopkins, a notorious hate-preacher, has spurred claims that loose border controls result in scarce resources being wasted on parasitic junkies.

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Ketamine users seek to distance themselves from far-right hate preachers after Katie Hopkins admits use

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Recreational drug users with a penchant for extreme sedatives have today sought to distance themselves from hate preachers like Katie Hopkins.

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Office cake culture making me fat, claims middle-aged worker who never exercises

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An HR administrator has blamed his weight increase on colleagues celebrating their birthdays with cakes and snacks in the office.

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Tube now loud enough to prevent other passengers talking to you

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Transport For London has announced they’ve finally managed to get the Underground loud enough to drown out anyone trying to talk to you.

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French finally find something they’re willing to put up a fight over

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After a thousand years of looking, the French have found they’ll make a meaningful fight for a cheap jar of Nutella.

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Hipster cafe properly f*cks up a bacon butty

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A local hipster cafe has turned a perfectly good bacon butty into a sourdough bloomer topped with ham slivers, thereby ruining the whole thing.

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Mark E Smith may be dead but it’s hard to tell

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Mark E Smith hasn’t moved since yesterday, but that really doesn’t mean anything.

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Man on a diet acting like he’s trying out for the SAS

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A man on a bit of a diet is acting like he’s on Who Dares Wins, friends have confirmed today.

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