Health

Jeremy Hunt announces 21,000 new NHS jobs to treat mental health problems he created

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Jeremy Hunt has announced 21,000 new NHS posts to stem the flow of suicidal junior doctors.

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Western civilisation wanking itself out of existence

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Revelations that the sperm count of men in the West had dropped 60% over 40 years prompted fears that, should the trend continue, the spunk produced in OECD countries will soon only be useful as a mild adhesive.

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Chlorine delicious, insists Brexiter

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There is nothing more delicious that a bit of chlorinated chicken, according to that Brexiter you know.

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Morning-after pill not as cheap as keeping your legs shut, insists Boots

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The morning-after delayed contraceptive pill is more expensive than keeping your legs together you filthy scrubber, it has emerged.

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Canadian official slowly turning to stone after touching the Queen

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A top Canadian official is said to be ‘stable’ as he slowly turns to stone after touching the Queen at an official function yesterday.

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Nobody living longer because why the hell would they want to

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Left expectancy rises have ground to a halt because why would you want to prolong the misery of existence in today’s society, according to researchers.

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Washing machines in the kitchen caused the plague, insists Kirstie Allsopp

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Kirstie Allsopp has further enhanced her reputation as the enfant terrible of the world of white goods hygiene after she claimed that the bubonic plague began after a rubber seal went ‘all black and stinky’ on an early Hotpoint washing machine.

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Nurses shocked at Government being in shock at news that nurse numbers are dropping

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Nurses have told of their shock that there is shock within Government regarding newly released figures showing that that number of nurses has dropped in the last year.

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Bothans bring health and safety in the workplace claim against Rebel Alliance

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Families of Bothan spies have launched an eight-figure compensation claim against the Rebel Alliance after a series of workplace deaths.

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Britain’s coffee fans happy to drink any old shit, finds new study

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British coffee drinkers can’t get enough of iced coffee drinks laced with human faeces, a study has found.

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