Health

UK retailers assure public that meat reports will contain 100% bull

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Britain’s largest food retailers have confirmed that their regular reporting of DNA tests on processed beef will comprise solely of bull, according to Environment Secretary Owen Paterson.

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Human penises are technically disposable too, claim women

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After the Sea Slug impressed researchers with its ability to detach its penis, women everywhere said that with enough will power and the correct tools the human penis is equally disposable.

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Further Findus controversy as fish revealed not to have fingers

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Frozen ready meal provider Findus is under further pressure today after tests showed that their Fish Finger products contained no aquatic digits whatsoever.

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France about ready to give English food another go

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The English diet finally contains enough Horse, France revealed today.

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Doctors discover alcohol can help you pass out

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Doctors have finally proved a theory that has been debated for years: drinking alcohol can help you pass out.

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Obesity campaigners call for consumers to try throwing away three-quarters of all food

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As reports showed that half all food produced in the world is thrown away, anti-obesity experts have said that maybe we should try upping that to 75%.

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Hand transplant recipient slams donor’s poor masturbation technique

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The fortunate recipient of an NHS hand transplant has slammed the donor’s masturbation technique as amateurish, it has emerged.

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Winter fuel allowance to be replaced by flammable obese benefit claimants

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The winter fuel allowance could become a thing of the past as the government announced plans for fat people on benefits to be melted down to fuel the heating systems of the elderly.

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Decriminalise drugs before we become embroiled in a drug abuse scandal, MPs urge Cameron

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David Cameron should decriminalise all drug use in England and Wales before sitting MPs from becoming embroiled in further allegations of criminal activity, say a group of MPs.

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Cancer patients reveal excitement at new £1.2bn attack submarine

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Cancer, stroke and heart patients who will be affected by budget and staff cuts to the clinical networks that oversee their care have revealed their excitement after the MoD announced a nice shiny new attack submarine costing £1.2bn.

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