Health

Avocado hoping to spend National Avocado Day being celebrated meets horrific end dissolved in stomach acid

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Avocados have been left bitterly disappointed after learning that National Avocado Day is in fact bad news for all of them.

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Millions report to their GP with symptoms of whatever it is that is treated with weed

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Doctor’s surgeries have this morning been inundated with patients who feel a touch of whatever it is that can be treated with medicinal cannabis coming on.

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Dr Legg forced out of retirement by NHS staff shortages

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A 92-year-old East End doctor has been forced back to work to meet chronic shortages within the NHS.

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Government pledges ‘adequate supplies’ of red sarcophagus liquid in event of no-deal Brexit

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There will be sufficient red sarcophagus liquid for every man, woman and child in Britain after a ‘no-deal’ Brexit, the government has reassured the nation today.

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Jeremy Hunt confident bad Brexit will be blamed on EU in the same way failing NHS is blamed on the nurses

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New Foreign Secretary Jeremy Hunt has spoken out at the possibility of a hard Brexit, confident that people won’t blame the government if it happens, in the same way they don’t blame the government for the problems with the NHS.

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NHS hoping to recover after removal of malignant lump

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The National Health Service is hoping it can make a full recovery after having a dangerous lump removed in an emergency operation yesterday.

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Neymar falls over again after toddler sneezes three feet away

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Notoriously tumble-prone Brazil star Neymar has fallen over three times today already, according to reports.

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Salisbury ice-cream van beginning to regret selling new Novichok and salted caramel flavour

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An ice-cream van in Salisbury is beginning to think that his new Novichok and salted caramel flavour could prove to be more trouble than it’s worth.

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Jeremy Hunt to receive birthday beats for NHS’ 70th Birthday

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Nurses and doctors nationwide are queuing up to administer a dose of birthday beats to Jeremy Hunt.

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Government finally recognises ‘right to die’ but only for 70-year-old health services

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The government has finally acknowledged the ‘right to die’, citing the example of a seventy-year-old health service that is no longer enjoying the quality of life it should be.

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