Health

Tories offer you time off to care for your sick relatives so they won’t have to

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The Tories will guarantee up to a year off work for people to care for sick relatives so that the Tories don’t have to do any actual ‘caring’ themselves.

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Murderous cyber-attack on the NHS linked to the Tory Party

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Theresa May’s government is thought to be behind the latest attempt to cyber-fuck the NHS.

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Government pledges to upgrade NHS ZX Spectrums to Commodore 64s

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Following the cyber-attack on NHS systems, the Government has issued a pledge to upgrade the NHS’ computer systems from ZX Spectrums to more powerful Commodore 64s.

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Concerned nation joins search for missing Jeremy Hunt

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Concerned friends and relatives have asked for information on the whereabouts of Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt, who hasn’t been seen since Thursday.

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Doctors told to give IT systems two aspirin and come back on Monday

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Doctors have been told their IT systems will be looked at on Monday if they don’t get better of their own accord over the weekend.

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Vladimir Putin demands $300 ransom in NHS cyberattack

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The $300 ransom demanded in the NHS cyber attack would ‘almost double’ Russian GDP if paid, experts have warned.

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Sushi fans warned to cook it properly after man gives birth to conger eel

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Sushi lovers have been warned to cook it properly to avoid playing host to large parasitic eels with ferocious teeth.

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Redshirts terrified after Starfleet cancels their health insurance

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New healthcare proposals would result in bridge and command crew keeping access to Medbay, but security personnel being forced to make their own provision.

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King Joffrey defines being beheaded as a pre-existing condition

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Ned Stark was not eligible for insurance as having his head cut off was a pre-existing condition, King Joffrey has confirmed.

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Wetherspoons ban customers for not swearing enough

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Wetherspoons have introduced a four-epithet minimum to ensure their pubs keep their distinctive character today.

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