Health

Local prick back doing Tai Chi in the park with no top on

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After a week of stormy weather, a local prick has returned to the park to do Tai Chi with his top off.

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Send all the hurricanes you want, we’re not going to stop wanking, God told

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Punishing humanity for masturbating isn’t going to work so you may as well give it up, God has been told today.

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Daleks declare war on Earth after Davros has his Disability Living Allowance cut

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The military might of Skaro is to be turned upon the Earth after wheelchair-bound megalomaniac Davros was declared fit for work today.

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Halfwit actress’ website may not be the best source of medical advice, says shock report

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A website filled with the wittering voices in Gwyneth Paltrow’s head may not be a better source of health advice than an actual qualified doctor, according to shock claims made today.

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Industrial grade skunk now Britain’s most popular picnic essential

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Industrial-strength marijuana has overtaken more traditional ingredients in British summer picnics as the number one essential, experts confirmed today.

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Vaginal seeding does not work on 71-year-old US Presidents, doctors tell Trump

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Grabbing a handful of pussy to boost your immune system has no net beneficial effect on the health of world leaders over the age of sixty-five, doctors have warned Donald Trump.

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‘We should legalise cannabis’ insists man so high he thinks the Lib Dems are still relevant

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Liberal Democrat leader Vince Cable says his party is still committed to legalising cannabis, leading observers to assume he must be royally off his tits to even think his party remains relevant.

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Ric Flair kicks out of death at two count

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Ric Flair has sat up and started talking just when everyone thought death had him pinned.

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We don’t listen to people in wheelchairs, Tories tell Stephen Hawking

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Stephen Hawking has been advised not to raise concerns about the NHS as the Conservative party won’t listen to any who can’t stroll around pompously like one of them.

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You need to spend £44k on a decent washroom when you have this much blood on your hands, claims Jeremy Hunt

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Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has defended the cost of his new £44,000 washroom, insisting that sometimes he just can’t wash the blood clean off his hands.

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