Health

Perfectly good slice of bread ruined by Marmite

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A lovely, fluffy slice of fresh white bread has been ‘irrevocably ruined’ by the addition of marmite this morning.

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Herbal tea not a proper drink, say experts

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Normal people don’t pour hot water over your nan’s bowl of potpourri and then drink it, experts have confirmed.

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Woman becomes expert in human psychology after sixth glass of Prosecco

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A woman well into her second bottle of fizzy wine can read you like a fucking book, thank you very much.

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Obamacare to be replaced with really hoping you don’t get sick

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Barack Obama’s Affordable Care Act, better known as Obamacare, is to be replaced by a comprehensive program of really, really hoping you don’t get sick.

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Donald Trump to increase budget for penis enlargement research

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President Trump has announced a huge federal investment in the area of penis enlargement research.

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Armed ‘Lavatory Marshals’ to be introduced to protect people from transexuals

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Every public restroom in the United States will have an armed ‘lavatory marshal’ to protect people from transexuals under proposals unveiled today.

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We made up five-a-day rule for a bet, admit scientists

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Chortling scientists today admitted that they originally made up the five-a-day rule to see how many sprouts they could get people to eat.

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Most Brits would struggle to name 10 fruit and veg, let alone eat them, finds study

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After researchers claimed that ten portions of fruit and vegetables a day may give us longer lives, a separate study has indicated that most Britons would struggle to name that many.

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£350m per week saved from EU to be spent implementing NHS cuts

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The cost of implementing swingeing cuts to NHS hospitals across the country will be covered by the £350m previously spent on the EU, according to reports today

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You can’t make a shitload of money from privatisation without breaking a few hospitals, confirms Jeremy Hunt

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Following the publication of a report by the British Medical Association that has warned that the NHS is at ‘breaking point’, the ever popular Health Secretary has expressed delight that everything is going according to plan.

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