Health

Man finally has excuse for not trimming his pubic hair

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39-year-old Simon Williams has announced his delight at his policy of avoiding pubic topiary finally being vindicated.

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Sugar-free healthy advent calendars remain unopened

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Alternative advent calendars full of healthy ‘treats’ given to staff at a local firm remain ominously unopened this morning, according to sources close to the matter.

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NHS patients must make cup of tea, name three Madness songs, and drink heavily to prove they’re British

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In new rules to prevent health tourism, all prospective NHS patients will be required to pass a test to prove they’re British, a top Department of Health civil servant has said.

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Toblerone to release weight-loss DVD in time for Christmas

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Toblerone is to reveal the secrets of its dramatic weight loss in a new fitness DVD to be released in time for Christmas.

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“Those aren’t children!” scoffs man who got served in pubs from age fourteen

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A frothing lunatic has questioned the age of some particularly tall foreign children while forgetting he used to be a particularly tall child.

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Northerner has chip surgically removed from shoulder

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Experts are hailing as a medical miracle a surgical procedure carried out to remove the chip from a Northerner’s shoulder.

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Removal of Marmite makes Brexit all worthwhile

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Marmite vanishing from Supermarket shelves is the first major Brexit victory, campaigners have confirmed.

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Consumers warned against buying black market “street” Marmite

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A price dispute between Tesco and Unilever has created a black market in cut-price street Marmite, we can reveal.

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GP receptionists demand full control of NHS

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GP receptionists have insisted that they be given full control over all aspects of NHS finances and public health policy, it has emerged.

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Obnoxious bitch training for GP receptionists hailed as a ‘great success’

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Government figures show the ‘obnoxious bitch’ training given to all 7,875 GP receptionist staff has been a complete success, with waiting times drastically reduced due to nobody bothering going to see their GP anymore.

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