Health

Long-term Heroin addict blames fruit tea for f*cked up teeth

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Heroin addict, Simon Williams, insists his frankly alarming dental health is a result of necking too much chamomile, it has emerged.

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UK life expectancy jumps as KFC forced to close for 24 hours

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Britons are expected to live an average of two years longer as a result of KFC closing yesterday, according to reports.

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Julian Assange planning romantic Valentine’s dinner with his right hand

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Global freedom-fighter Julian Assange is to have a candlelit dinner in his cupboard with the love of his life, Julian Assange.

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Mike Pence in perfect health after having his prostate checked for the 53rd week in a row

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WASHINGTON DC, UNITED STATES – It was announced today that thanks to frequent checks, Vice President Mike Pence’s prostate remains in sturdy health and his rectal cavity is showing no signs of abnormalities.

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Norovirus outbreak sees Winter Olympic staff break sprinting records in mad dash for toilets

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An outbreak of the norovirus in the host city of the 2018 Winter Olympics has seen most existing sprinting records broken, according to reports.

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The NHS is failing, declares man behind wildly successful Trump Steaks and Trump Vodka brands

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An American businessman who is known for running hugely successful ventures such as Trump Steaks has slammed Britain’s NHS as ‘going broke and not working’.

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Foreign drug abuser Katie Hopkins puts strain on hard-pressed South African health services

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Katie Hopkins, a notorious hate-preacher, has spurred claims that loose border controls result in scarce resources being wasted on parasitic junkies.

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Ketamine users seek to distance themselves from far-right hate preachers after Katie Hopkins admits use

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Recreational drug users with a penchant for extreme sedatives have today sought to distance themselves from hate preachers like Katie Hopkins.

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Office cake culture making me fat, claims middle-aged worker who never exercises

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An HR administrator has blamed his weight increase on colleagues celebrating their birthdays with cakes and snacks in the office.

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Tube now loud enough to prevent other passengers talking to you

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Transport For London has announced they’ve finally managed to get the Underground loud enough to drown out anyone trying to talk to you.

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