Health

Armed ‘Lavatory Marshals’ to be introduced to protect people from transexuals

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Every public restroom in the United States will have an armed ‘lavatory marshal’ to protect people from transexuals under proposals unveiled today.

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We made up five-a-day rule for a bet, admit scientists

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Chortling scientists today admitted that they originally made up the five-a-day rule to see how many sprouts they could get people to eat.

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Most Brits would struggle to name 10 fruit and veg, let alone eat them, finds study

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After researchers claimed that ten portions of fruit and vegetables a day may give us longer lives, a separate study has indicated that most Britons would struggle to name that many.

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£350m per week saved from EU to be spent implementing NHS cuts

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The cost of implementing swingeing cuts to NHS hospitals across the country will be covered by the £350m previously spent on the EU, according to reports today

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You can’t make a shitload of money from privatisation without breaking a few hospitals, confirms Jeremy Hunt

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Following the publication of a report by the British Medical Association that has warned that the NHS is at ‘breaking point’, the ever popular Health Secretary has expressed delight that everything is going according to plan.

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NHS patients waiting up to five hours to thump Jeremy Hunt

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Waiting times for decking Jeremy Hunt have reached record levels.

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Thing I am in charge of performing terribly, says man taking no responsibility whatsoever

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Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has told reporters that the NHS problems are unacceptable, seemingly unaware that he is responsible for causing said problems.

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Man sitting in A&E with a cold insists NHS crisis ‘due to immigrants’

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A man sat waiting in A&E because he is sure his cold is life-threatening has expressed his anger at the immigrants causing a crisis in the NHS.

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Grey pubic hair treated like sign of impending apocalypse

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After finding a grey pubic hair, 35-year-old Simon Williams has reacted as if it is a sign that the world is coming to an end.

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Waiting in A&E ‘no longer fun’

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All of the joy has been sucked out of waiting in an emergency room.

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