Health

Muslim distillery to introduce sharia-compliant Halal-cohol

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The world’s first Muslim distillery is to introduce Sharia-compliant ‘Halal-cohol’ strong drink, we can report.

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Man drowns after taking homeopathic overdose

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A man who took an overdose of homeopathic medicine was reported dead by drowning by medics this morning.

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Homeopathy ‘100% effective at curing thirst’ admit actual real scientists

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Followers of the mystical art of homeopathy were claiming a major success yesterday, after scientists admitted that homeopathic remedies are wholly effective at curing thirst.

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Recipient of double hand transplant planning massive wank

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The recipient of a ground-breaking new double hand transplant is said to be looking forward to a monumental bout of masturbation.

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Labour Party to withhold Jeremy Corbyn’s Vitamin D supply

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The Labour hierarchy will attempt to oust leader Jeremy Corbyn by hiding his Vitamin D tablets, it has emerged.

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Biscuits without chocolate pretty much the same thing as vegetables

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Healthy eaters are celebrating the news that biscuits without chocolate on them are as close to being vegetables as makes no difference.

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Consumers urged to wash salad before scraping it into the bin

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People who like to decorate proper food with lettuce are being urged to wash it, before throwing it away.

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Sixty towns join waiting list for new post-Brexit hospital

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The waiting list of towns wanting a new post-Brexit hospital is so big, you might be waiting a whole year for yours, according to reports this morning.

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Britain discovers one weird trick to lose pounds overnight

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Local nation Britain is the envy of other countries after discovering a weird trick to lose huge numbers of pounds in a single day.

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Man successfully believes it’s not butter

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Local legend Simon Williams has become the first man to successfully believe it’s not butter today.

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