Health

Hospital ‘touchscreen’ check-in worst idea ever, confirms everyone

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Literally every person you have ever met is trying to work out how a touchscreen patient check-in system could possibly be a logical concept in a fucking hospital.

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Exercise pointless if you keep pushing cakes into your fat face, conclude experts

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Scientists have confirmed that members of the public can run on a treadmill all they like, but it won’t make a jot of difference if they keep eating cake like their life depended on it.

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Study finds sports drinks failing to give drinkers enough energy to put bottle in bin

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Despite sports energy drinks containing substantial amounts of sugar and caffeine they still don’t give people enough energy to carry the empty bottle to a fucking bin, we can report today.

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Overweight people at lower risk of dementia because they’re already dead by then

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A recent study has found that fat people have a far lower risk of developing dementia due to being dead long before it can take hold.

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E-cigarette manufacturers celebrate as non-smoking teens found to be addicted

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The holy grail of a highly addictive product that can be legally sold to teenagers has been reached, according to new studies on e-cigarette use today.

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Doctors discover new eyesight disorder amongst parents of obese children

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Doctors have uncovered a new link between people having fat kids, and their inability to gauge the size of something standing right in front of them.

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Man left confused by cotton bud after being told not to put it in his ear

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A Northampton man was left bemused this morning after being told that cotton buds should not be put inside the ear.

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Breastfeeding linked to feeling of superiority

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A long-term study has linked breastfeeding to an increased sense of superiority amongst mothers.

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NHS to apologise for only ‘almost’ killing Nigel Farage

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Nigel Farage, in his memoirs, has claimed that the NHS ‘almost killed’ him when he developed Testicular cancer as a young man.

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Massive queues reported for Tesco bananas containing ‘four hour erection’ spider

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After Tesco confirmed a batch of their bananas contained a spider whose bite is capable of giving a man a four-hour erection, queues began forming around stores everywhere.

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