Health

UK DNA research to focus on getting you drunk more easily

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DNA researchers in the UK are to take a leading role in genetically ensuring value for money when it comes to consuming alcohol, according to reports today.

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Ebola virus to be top sick-day excuse by this weekend

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British workers looking for a cheeky day off have explained how the Ebola virus will be their excuse of choice moving forward.

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Obese diabetics still struggling with concept of putting fewer things in their mouths

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More gastric band surgery for overweight type 2 diabetics has been announced, after the NHS admitted the concept of eating less was proving difficult for many of them to understand.

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Public ‘supports’ change to assisted suicide laws for the terminally stupid

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New research has shown that there is overwhelming support amongst the public to allow assisted suicide in cases where people are considered terminally stupid.

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NHS should be ‘National Herbalist Service’ claims Prince Charles

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The NHS is headed for a radical re-branding after a new plan was proposed by Prince Charles last month, in which treatments will ignore ‘evidence based’ methods.

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UKIP manifesto to be used in DIY faecal transplants

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UKIP’s manifesto may be of some benefit to patients suffering chronic bowel conditions, according to experts.

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Cancer still ignoring bastards

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After claiming the life of inspirational teenager Stephen Sutton, cancer has confirmed it plans to continue taking good people and leaving society’s total shits well alone.

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Coca-Cola wondering if they’ll have to take out the Cocaine again

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Coca-Cola have admitted that if people keep looking at what’s inside its leading product, it might be forced to remove highly addictive drugs for the second time.

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Tamiflu performed exactly as we hoped it would, claim Tamiflu manufacturers

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A report claiming that Government stocks of Tamiflu work no better than paracetamol does not take into account how successful it is at ‘returning shareholder value’, according to Tamiflu executives.

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John Terry to test drive lab-grown vaginas

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Former England captain and occasional racist John Terry has claimed he should have ‘first go’ on pioneering synthetic minges, it has emerged.

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