Health

Government obesity research uncovers new link to ‘stuff going in your mouth’

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The government has announced that scientists working on its national obesity strategy have uncovered a direct link between the stuff that you put in your mouth and the stuff that magically appears on your arse.

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Diluting NHS funding for Homeopathy to make it infinitely more powerful

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Following a recommendation by the British Medical Council to scrap funding for Homeopathy on the NHS, homeopaths have claimed that such a dilution of their funding will only serve to make them stronger.

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Creationists demand evidence of missing link between HIV viruses

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HIV has not ‘evolved’ into a less deadly form, because scientists don’t have any fossils of the missing link between old HIV and new HIV, according to creationists this morning.

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Daily Mail’s homeopathy supporters urged to try Ebola treatment on themselves

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After the Daily Mail ran a story promoting ‘Doctors’ who claim homeopathy can cure Ebola, everyone suggested it would be a great idea to let them try it on themselves.

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Three-hour lunches combat obesity, claim doctors

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Three-hour lunches washed down with several bottles of wine are a better way of tackling obesity than calorie counting, leading doctors claim.

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Super-obesity not actually a super-power, fat people warned

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Being classified as super-obese is not an invitation to buy a lycra body suit and a cape, Doctors have warned fat people today.

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New ‘arsehole rating’ labels on alcoholic drinks to be introduced

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Alcoholic drinks will soon feature a new labelling system indicating how much of an arsehole the drinker will become after drinking them.

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Don’t look at the wheelchairs, look at the scroungers sat in them, explain ministers

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Government ministers have explained that people should look beyond the disabilities of disabled people to focus on how much they might be claiming in benefits.

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Government to ignore expert advice on drug laws in favour of series 9 & 10 of Grange Hill

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Following a 6-year study by scientists, police officers, academics and experts into Britain’s drug laws, the government has insisted that it will rely instead on the plight of Samuel ‘Zammo’ Maguire from Grange Hill.

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Bonus payments for dementia diagnoses sees 4000% rise in dementia diagnoses

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A new scheme to pay GPs a £55 cash bonus for every diagnosis of dementia that they make has seen a massive rise in the number of dementia diagnoses that they make.

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