Health

Irish women voting to have as much control over their bodies as they do over their emails

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On the day that new laws come into force ensuring that women in Ireland will have full control over their mailbox, the nation is voting on whether this should be extended to include full control over their uterus.

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Irish voters urged to drag nation into 20th Century

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Ireland goes to the polls today to vote in a national referendum on whether women should be allowed to decide how their bodies are used, or not.

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Germs shock international community by pulling out of ‘five-second rule’ agreement

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The Department of Health has received a notice from the germ community informing them that they are withdrawing from the five-second deal with immediate effect.

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Woman on a health kick goes entire month without alcohol, dairy, red meat or happiness

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A woman on a strict health regime has successfully reduced her carbs and happiness by almost 100% in the last month, according to friends.

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UK Hospitals full of blood and knife wounds claims President Trump

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The President of the United States has said in a speech in front of the National Rifle Association that UK hospitals were awash with blood and were a “war zone” of knife wounds.

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Black Death distances itself from UKIP

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The Black Death has moved to deny any relationship with UKIP after being compared to the party today.

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Wayne Rooney offers free breast screenings to pensioners who missed them

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Wayne Rooney has proven himself a selfless hero once more.

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Man takes compassionate leave after seeing infinity War

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Simon Williams has told his employers he ‘doesn’t feel so good and doesn’t want to go to work” after seeing Infinity War at the local cinema last night.

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Huge tailbacks at Scottish/English border as minimum alcohol pricing comes into force

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Lengthy queues of vans, LGVs and low-loaders are reported at the Scottish border this morning as minimum alcohol pricing comes into force.

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Duchess of Cambridge sent home from maternity ward because all the beds are full and she’s barely even dilated

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Catherine and the Duke of Cambridge travelled to hospital on Monday morning but were sent home again and told to come back in a few hours, as Catherine wasn’t ‘far enough along yet’.

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