Health

Every bathroom in Britain to receive complimentary UKIP manifesto

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The UKIP election slogan is “Soft, strong and very very long”, according to the manifesto launched today.

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New health guidelines will put pictures of tramps on cans of Special Brew

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New health guidelines have called for pictures of a toothless man shouting at pigeons on a park bench in Stockport to be put on cans of cider and Special Brew.

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Medical researchers confirm strong link between vaccines and not dying

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There is a ‘causal link’ between the introduction of vaccines and not keeling over dead from entirely preventable causes before your fifth birthday, doctors have confirmed today.

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Diane Abbott pledges Labour will upgrade hospital IT systems to Windows nine and three quarters

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Diane Abbott has pledged to upgrade the NHS’s existing IT systems to MS Windows 9.75 with sixty-twelve bits of RAM.

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Obesity epidemic amongst alt-right blamed on high calorie liberal tears

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Liberal tears are very high in calories which is why everyone who drinks them is fucking enormous, dieticians have confirmed.

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Tories offer you time off to care for your sick relatives so they won’t have to

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The Tories will guarantee up to a year off work for people to care for sick relatives so that the Tories don’t have to do any actual ‘caring’ themselves.

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Murderous cyber-attack on the NHS linked to the Tory Party

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Theresa May’s government is thought to be behind the latest attempt to cyber-fuck the NHS.

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Government pledges to upgrade NHS ZX Spectrums to Commodore 64s

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Following the cyber-attack on NHS systems, the Government has issued a pledge to upgrade the NHS’ computer systems from ZX Spectrums to more powerful Commodore 64s.

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Concerned nation joins search for missing Jeremy Hunt

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Concerned friends and relatives have asked for information on the whereabouts of Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt, who hasn’t been seen since Thursday.

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Doctors told to give IT systems two aspirin and come back on Monday

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Doctors have been told their IT systems will be looked at on Monday if they don’t get better of their own accord over the weekend.

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