Health

Three-hour lunches combat obesity, claim doctors

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Three-hour lunches washed down with several bottles of wine are a better way of tackling obesity than calorie counting, leading doctors claim.

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Super-obesity not actually a super-power, fat people warned

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Being classified as super-obese is not an invitation to buy a lycra body suit and a cape, Doctors have warned fat people today.

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New ‘arsehole rating’ labels on alcoholic drinks to be introduced

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Alcoholic drinks will soon feature a new labelling system indicating how much of an arsehole the drinker will become after drinking them.

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Don’t look at the wheelchairs, look at the scroungers sat in them, explain ministers

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Government ministers have explained that people should look beyond the disabilities of disabled people to focus on how much they might be claiming in benefits.

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Government to ignore expert advice on drug laws in favour of series 9 & 10 of Grange Hill

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Following a 6-year study by scientists, police officers, academics and experts into Britain’s drug laws, the government has insisted that it will rely instead on the plight of Samuel ‘Zammo’ Maguire from Grange Hill.

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Bonus payments for dementia diagnoses sees 4000% rise in dementia diagnoses

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A new scheme to pay GPs a £55 cash bonus for every diagnosis of dementia that they make has seen a massive rise in the number of dementia diagnoses that they make.

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Paralysed man walks again, is declared fit for work by ATOS

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A formerly paralysed man has celebrated the success of a pioneering therapy that involved transplanting nasal cells into his spinal cord, with an ATOS mandated appointment at the jobcentre.

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World pig population showing signs of man-flu pandemic

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The world’s farming communities are braced for a global swine catastrophe as the first man-flu cases are reported among the pig population.

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Ebola outbreak nothing to worry about, confirms Obama from White House hazmat suit

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US President Barack Obama has told concerned citizens not to worry about the ebola virus in a broadcast from the Oval office inside his specially made hazmat suit.

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Why are all our children getting measles, ask Homeopathy fans

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Child measles cases in the UK have risen tenfold, especially among families led by morons who think that crystals are magic and that sugar pills can cure AIDS.

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