Health

Tamiflu performed exactly as we hoped it would, claim Tamiflu manufacturers

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A report claiming that Government stocks of Tamiflu work no better than paracetamol does not take into account how successful it is at ‘returning shareholder value’, according to Tamiflu executives.

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John Terry to test drive lab-grown vaginas

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Former England captain and occasional racist John Terry has claimed he should have ‘first go’ on pioneering synthetic minges, it has emerged.

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Giving up smoking to be banned in public places

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Wales could be the first part of the UK to ban giving up smoking in enclosed public places.

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Alcoholics to celebrate liver transplant verdict with massive piss-up

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A new ruling that allows heavy drinkers to receive liver transplants is cause for a big celebration, according to piss-heads everywhere.

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Saharan dust storm ‘best excuse yet’ for a sickie

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The Saharan dust storm laying waste to southern Britain has overtaken ‘dicky tummy’ as the nation’s favourite excuse to phone in sick.

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Campaign for men to post make-up free testicle photos ‘not really taking off’

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A campaign by a cancer charity to have men share make-up free images of their testicles, is failing to gain traction on social networking sites according to reports this morning.

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Smokers demand right to poison their children wherever they see fit

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Smokers have reacted with outrage at the government’s plan to stop them breathing poisonous smoke into the lungs of their children when travelling in small enclosed spaces.

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3D printer creates new backbone for Nick Clegg

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A leading orthopaedic surgeon has used the latest 3D printing techniques to create a new backbone for Lib Dem leader and Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg.

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Heston Blumenthal customers continuing to vomit at sight of the bill

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Customers at Heston Blumenthal’s Michelin-starred Dinner at the Mandarin Oriental hotel on Hyde Park are continuing to fall ill at the mere sight of their bill.

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Experts warn of health danger after heroin found to contain ‘added sugar’

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Health experts have today warned that the added sugar in heroin could lead to obesity and early onset diabetes amongst the nation’s addicts.

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