Health

Cut what you like, I’m about to get an extra £350m a week, says NHS

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The NHS has said that the draconian budget cuts revealed today are ‘no biggie’ because the health service will be swimming in cash once Britain leaves the EU.

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Obesity plan working, says government of nation glued to programme about cakes

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The government is delighted with the success of its obesity plan as only 11.2 million viewers returned for a seventh series of the Great British Bake Off.

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Team GB superheroes to staff weekend NHS

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Team GB Olympians will be drafted in to provide emergency cover for the new 7-day NHS on returning home later today.

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Real man impresses gym with massive deadlift

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A real man has done a single massive deadlift and then dropped the bar as loudly as possible so everyone in the gym knows it.

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Skinny fries creating unrealistic body expectations for ‘real’ chips

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A new investigative report by a Food Standards watchdog has found that the promotion of skinny fries by major fast food chains and other restaurants is distorting our views and expectations of ‘real chips’.

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Long battle ends as Wile E Coyote finally wins dyspraxia status

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Calamitous carnivore Wile E Coyote has had his dyspraxia status legally recognised after having suffered literally in silence for 67 years.

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Picnics just street drinking for the middle-class, finds report

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A new report has found that picnics are almost exclusively a form of street drinking for the middle-classes.

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Depression sufferer makes complete recovery after being advised to ‘cheer up’

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A lifelong sufferer of Depression has had their life turned around after being advised to ‘cheer up’.

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Bright orange woman insists her tan is natural

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A woman the same colour as a piece of tropical fruit is keen you should believe her tan is entirely natural.

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Yes I do need the whole of the f*cking road, confirms cyclist

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A cyclist has confirmed in no uncertain terms that yes, he definitely does need the whole of the f*cking road actually.

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