Health

Britain’s coffee fans happy to drink any old shit, finds new study

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British coffee drinkers can’t get enough of iced coffee drinks laced with human faeces, a study has found.

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Regular coffee drinkers ‘should switch to Cocaine’ for morning boost

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Coffee has probably stopped working if you’re drinking loads of it.

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Jeremy Corbyn pledges milkshakes that will bring boys to *everybody’s* yard

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The Labour leader has promised an end to Tory ‘I could teach you but I’ll have to charge’ by promising free tuition in milkshakes.

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Fruit flavour lollies count as one of your five a day, Britain told

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Eating a fruit-flavoured lolly when it’s hot totally counts as one of your five a day, Doctors have confirmed.

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New species of half bike/half prick emerges

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Scientists have hailed the next stage in evolution as a new species of half bike/half prick emerges from the roads of the home-counties.

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Diane Abbott reveals she has type 4,783,128 diabetes

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Labour MP Diane Abbott has revealed that she has type 4,783,128 diabetes and that the condition had forced her to take a break from the General Election campaign.

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Government introduces “If you’re well enough to wank, you’re well enough to work” policy

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The Department of Work and Pensions has today introduced a policy it calls “If you’re well enough to wank, you’re well enough to work”.

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Every bathroom in Britain to receive complimentary UKIP manifesto

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The UKIP election slogan is “Soft, strong and very very long”, according to the manifesto launched today.

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New health guidelines will put pictures of tramps on cans of Special Brew

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New health guidelines have called for pictures of a toothless man shouting at pigeons on a park bench in Stockport to be put on cans of cider and Special Brew.

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Medical researchers confirm strong link between vaccines and not dying

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There is a ‘causal link’ between the introduction of vaccines and not keeling over dead from entirely preventable causes before your fifth birthday, doctors have confirmed today.

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