Health

Nobody living longer because why the hell would they want to

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Left expectancy rises have ground to a halt because why would you want to prolong the misery of existence in today’s society, according to researchers.

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Washing machines in the kitchen caused the plague, insists Kirstie Allsopp

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Kirstie Allsopp has further enhanced her reputation as the enfant terrible of the world of white goods hygiene after she claimed that the bubonic plague began after a rubber seal went ‘all black and stinky’ on an early Hotpoint washing machine.

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Nurses shocked at Government being in shock at news that nurse numbers are dropping

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Nurses have told of their shock that there is shock within Government regarding newly released figures showing that that number of nurses has dropped in the last year.

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Bothans bring health and safety in the workplace claim against Rebel Alliance

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Families of Bothan spies have launched an eight-figure compensation claim against the Rebel Alliance after a series of workplace deaths.

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Britain’s coffee fans happy to drink any old shit, finds new study

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British coffee drinkers can’t get enough of iced coffee drinks laced with human faeces, a study has found.

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Regular coffee drinkers ‘should switch to Cocaine’ for morning boost

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Coffee has probably stopped working if you’re drinking loads of it.

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Jeremy Corbyn pledges milkshakes that will bring boys to *everybody’s* yard

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The Labour leader has promised an end to Tory ‘I could teach you but I’ll have to charge’ by promising free tuition in milkshakes.

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Fruit flavour lollies count as one of your five a day, Britain told

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Eating a fruit-flavoured lolly when it’s hot totally counts as one of your five a day, Doctors have confirmed.

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New species of half bike/half prick emerges

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Scientists have hailed the next stage in evolution as a new species of half bike/half prick emerges from the roads of the home-counties.

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Diane Abbott reveals she has type 4,783,128 diabetes

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Labour MP Diane Abbott has revealed that she has type 4,783,128 diabetes and that the condition had forced her to take a break from the General Election campaign.

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