Health

Weather more likely to bring London to a standstill than terrorists, reports confirm

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A nice sunny afternoon is more likely to put a Londoner off getting to work than someone directly trying to murder them, reports have confirmed today.

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Artist’s main creative output is anxiety

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Local artist Simone Williams puts the majority of her creative energy into finding things to be anxious about, according to reports.

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Tony Blair remains dangerously erect four days after Syrian intervention

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Former Prime Minister Tony Blair’s erection remains strong some four days after first becoming tumescent on hearing news of British military intervention in the Middle East.

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Drinking too much could ‘seriously shorten’ your day, say scientists

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A scientific study has concluded that excessive amounts of alcohol could negatively affect the perceived length of your day.

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Jeremy Hunt apologises for ‘forgetting’ he was Health Secretary

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Jeremy Hunt has apologised after forgetting he was in charge of the NHS and responsible for ensuring it runs safely and effectively.

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Drinkers urge scientists to make up their bloody minds

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As new research shows that even one drink a day can reduce life expectancy, drinkers have suggested that maybe scientists all sit down in a room and make their bloody minds up.

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MyFitnessPal hackers shocked at how bad your diet is

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Hackers behind the breach of popular food tracking app MyFitnessPal are said to be shocked at the type of crappy food you seem to subsist upon.

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Theresa May says Brexit will mean more money for NHS in classic early April Fool’s Day ruse

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Theresa May has insisted that Brexit will mean more money for the NHS in a classic April Fools Day ruse, without realising it’s not until Sunday.

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New study says “no, pizza doesn’t secretly help you lose weight, you fat fucking moron”

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Pizza is bad for you and always will be, according to scientists this morning.

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‘Social smoker’ relieved to only develop ‘social Emphysema’

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A man recently diagnosed with emphysema has been pleased to learn that his condition may not be as bad as he first feared.

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