Health

Don’t look at the wheelchairs, look at the scroungers sat in them, explain ministers

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Government ministers have explained that people should look beyond the disabilities of disabled people to focus on how much they might be claiming in benefits.

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Government to ignore expert advice on drug laws in favour of series 9 & 10 of Grange Hill

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Following a 6-year study by scientists, police officers, academics and experts into Britain’s drug laws, the government has insisted that it will rely instead on the plight of Samuel ‘Zammo’ Maguire from Grange Hill.

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Bonus payments for dementia diagnoses sees 4000% rise in dementia diagnoses

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A new scheme to pay GPs a £55 cash bonus for every diagnosis of dementia that they make has seen a massive rise in the number of dementia diagnoses that they make.

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Paralysed man walks again, is declared fit for work by ATOS

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A formerly paralysed man has celebrated the success of a pioneering therapy that involved transplanting nasal cells into his spinal cord, with an ATOS mandated appointment at the jobcentre.

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World pig population showing signs of man-flu pandemic

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The world’s farming communities are braced for a global swine catastrophe as the first man-flu cases are reported among the pig population.

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Ebola outbreak nothing to worry about, confirms Obama from White House hazmat suit

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US President Barack Obama has told concerned citizens not to worry about the ebola virus in a broadcast from the Oval office inside his specially made hazmat suit.

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Why are all our children getting measles, ask Homeopathy fans

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Child measles cases in the UK have risen tenfold, especially among families led by morons who think that crystals are magic and that sugar pills can cure AIDS.

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British women celebrate ‘fattest in Europe’ title with a nice slice of cake

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Women across the UK have reacted positively to being crowned the ‘fattest women in Europe’ by toasting each other with a nice bit of cake.

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Everyone in office pretty sure guy who just sneezed has ebola

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Your entire office is pretty sure that new guy in accounts who just sneezed is exhibiting signs of the deadly virus ebola, according to sources.

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Rich people urged to carry Tory Donor cards

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People who give money to the Conservatives are being urged to carry Tory Donor cards so they can be denied urgent medical treatment in an emergency.

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