Environment

Further Strauss-Kahn ‘special’ eruptions set to dwarf Grimsvotn

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A series of further DNA eruptions from human jism volcano Dominique Strauss-Kahn may put Iceland’s Grimsvotn in the shade, experts warned last night.

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Earth’s dwindling reserves of tat ‘at risk’ from Royal wedding

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The world’s most precious remaining reserves of tat are at risk of disappearance as the Royal Wedding creates an unprecedented demand for crap, rubbish and old shit, according to ecologists.

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Exploiting housebound elderly 24% more profitable than last year

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British Gas have announced that the ongoing exploitation of elderly people who are forced to stay home during cold weather was 24% more profitable than last year.

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New study finds Monkeys have human-like disdain for perpetually tedious tests

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Monkeys trained to play computer games have helped to show that it is not just humans that show complete disdain for boring pointless tests, a study says.

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Being sexually unappealing and eating crap food will ensure Pandas fit right in, say Scots

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After two Pandas were secured by Edinburgh Zoo, experts predicted that their lack of physical appeal to the opposite sex, appearing perpetually drunk, and a preference for food with little nutritional value will ensure they feel right at home in Scotland.

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Just kill yourself, urge scientists

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Scientists who compiled the Red List of Threatened Species have revealed that the only way to avoid an increasing number of species facing extinction is for every man, woman and child to kill themselves.

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We’ll get to the cancer stuff, check out this leopard’s spots, urge scientists

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Researchers have rocked the scientific world to its core by revealing after a long, arduous, and expensive study that a leopard’s spots and a tiger’s stripes are a camouflage closely tied to their habitats.

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Of course I’m a commercial fisherman, claims everyone in Louisiana

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BP last night suggested there may be a few fraudulent claims to their $20bn compensation fund, after every man woman and child in Louisiana claimed to be a commercial fisherman affected by the Mexican gulf oil spill.

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Charcoal briquette crisis grips London as BP garages remain closed

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Residents of London were left wondering where their next barbecue was coming from after Greenpeace activists forced the closure of fifty BP garages across the capital.

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No-one in north west appears to own a hosepipe, admits water company

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After announcing a hosepipe ban in the north west of England beginning Friday morning, water company United Utilities have admitted that initial investigations show that nobody in that region has ever owned, or had need to use, a hosepipe.

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