Environment

BBC to launch Children in Need of Being Left Alone for Five Minutes

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The BBC is to launch a new campaign in which all of their employees are urged to leave children well alone for five bloody minutes.

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End of world could ‘spare men Christmas shopping ordeal’

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Men, who traditionally start their Christmas shopping around the 22nd December, are pinning their hopes on the Mayan’s prediction that the world will end on the 21st.

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UK nationalists ‘ecstatic’ about the demise of foreign trees

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Nationalist groups were last night celebrating the success of their ‘British soil for British roots’ campaign, after discovering that most trees threatened by the ash dieback disease originated outside the UK.

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Badgers criticise Ash tree cull

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The badger community has asked what is going on with this nation’s blood lust after the government announced plans for a cull of 50,000 Ash trees.

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Essex police call off search for unicorn after concluding photo was of a goat

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Police in Essex investigating reports of a unicorn being spotted in a field have called off the search and admitted that the photo they had received was “almost certainly a goat”.

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Rodents complain of Houses of Parliament MP infestation

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Rodents at the Houses of Parliament have called for major refurbishments to be carried out on the buildings after complaining of an infestation of MPs

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Bear found not guilty of shitting in the woods after hiring John Terry’s lawyer

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In a verdict that has stunned the wildlife community, a 500lb brown bear has been found not guilty of defecating in a forest after hiring the same defence lawyer as John Terry.

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Water companies lift hosepipe ban until such time as people need to use hosepipes

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The final four water companies in England with hosepipe bans in place have lifted restrictions, but have warned that they may reintroduce the ban if it starts to look like people might need to use hosepipes.

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Counting Black Bear awarded Maths GCSE grade ‘B’

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A Black Bear which demonstrated rudimentary counting skills has earned a grade ‘B’ GCSE Maths qualification, according to reports.

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News that drought won’t lead to water cannon ban gives hope to disaffected gardeners

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After the Environment Agency warned that Water shortages across England could last until beyond Christmas, disaffected gardeners are contemplating staging violent protests on in their gardens in the hope that police will disperse them with water cannons while simultaneously watering their lawns.

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