Environment

Owners warned not to leave goths in a locked car during hot weather

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Reports published today warn that a goth left in a locked car can have the radio retuned to Kerrang! within twenty minutes, with owners running the risk of having to listen to endless repeats of Disturbed and Black Veil Brides all the way home if they aren’t careful.

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Southern Rail a terrorist act against UK

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As Southern Rail today permanently removes 15% of services from their timetable, the country is coming to terms with the fact that the only reasonable explanation for Southern Rail is that it is a terrorist act against the country.

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Cats would vote to leave EU and then refuse to go out

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Britain’s cats would vote to leave the EU but refuse to go out once the door was opened, they have announced.

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‘Biblical’ swarm of moths exploited our open borders, claim UKIP

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Millions of European moths have entered the UK over the last few weeks and the government can do nothing about it due to freedom of movement, according to UKIP this morning.

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Wasps reach out to bees’ PR team

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The PR team responsible for the recent stunning boost in the profile of bees will now work to do the same with wasps.

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Man in convertible BMW ‘almost certainly’ a prick

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There is a large degree of certainty that a man driving a convertible BMW, with the top down, on a major motorway, is actually a colossal prick.

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Parisians stockpile wine, berets, and smelly cheese as river levels rise

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The people of Paris are preparing for further potentially devastating floods by moving stockpiles of essentials such as high-quality wine, berets, smelly cheeses, snails, and moustache wax to higher ground.

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Administrative error sees June replaced by February

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A meteorological administrative mistake has seen February appear after May, instead of the traditional June.

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Government powerless to stop EU floods entering Britain claim ‘Vote Leave’

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‘Vote Leave’ has enraged the Remain campaign by claiming that EU regulations mean the UK will have to accept some of the floods currently plaguing France and Germany.

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George Osborne shot dead after child falls into his enclosure

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The Chancellor of the Exchequer has been shot to protect a child who fell into his enclosure.

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