Environment

New bio-bus to run on bullshit election manifestos

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The UK’s first bus powered entirely by the excrement inside an election manifesto has gone into service between Bristol and Bath.

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Middle-aged chimps observed buying small red sports cars

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As researchers discovered that chimpanzees and orangutans may undergo a form of ‘mid-life crisis’, the first reports of a chimp purchasing a small red sports car emerged.

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Dwindling wildlife numbers ‘great news for golf course designers’

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Global wildlife populations have halved in the last 40 years, freeing up great swathes of land to do more interesting things with.

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Foreign mosquitoes taking opportunities from indigenous insects, claim UKIP

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The influx of foreign mosquitoes inhabiting UK cities is removing biting opportunities from far more deserving indigenous species, according to Nigel Farage.

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Badger cull still pretty good fun, admit farmers

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After an independent scientific assessment proved that last years’ badger cull pilot was a complete failure, every farmer involved said it was tremendous fun nonetheless.

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Prime Minister to spare no expense in repairing damaged flood defence reputations

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Prime minister David Cameron has told the nation that no expense will be spared when attempting to repair the damaged political reputations left in the wake of the latest round of flooding.

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Flooding now important as river into London seriously affected

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The floods affecting the country have finally been declared ‘important’ after the river flowing directly to the heart of London was affected.

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Middle classes demand urgent government action on global wine shortage

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Dwindling wine stocks have finally given the middle classes a reason to become passionate about politics, forcing them to insist the government takes urgent action to prevent a crisis.

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Three new species of vertebrate discovered behind woman’s fridge

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A two pence coin-dwelling frog is among three new species discovered in a “lost world” behind a woman’s unclean fridge in the upper reaches of Basingstoke, according to reports.

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World first as burger is made entirely from lab grown arseholes

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The world’s first lab-grown burger, made entirely of animal arseholes grown from stem cells has been cooked and eaten at a news conference in London.

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