Environment

Christians celebrate as Canadian penguins renounce Satan

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Christians the world over are rejoicing after the infamous gay penguins of Toronto Zoo have publicly rejected the homosexual ways of the devil to come over to the heterosexual side of God.

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Beijing Zoo to breed Glaswegian couple in panda exchange deal

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Beijing zoo has accepted a pair of sexually active Glaswegians in an exchange deal for two pandas, according to reports.

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Wealthy eco-friendly show-offs welcome cut in solar panel subsidies

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Sanctimonious owners of highly visible ‘eco-friendly’ devices have welcomed a cut to the feed-in tariff for solar panels, as it ensures they can once again be seen as morally superiority to you and I.

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Football managers debate God’s refereeing decisions after shock ozone loss

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The news of a record loss of the ozone over the Arctic this year has created a heated discussion among Premier League managers over God’s decision-making as the global warming argument has progressed.

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Any hole’s a goal, confirm deep sea squid

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US research into the sex life of the mysterious deep-sea squid has revealed that the sex-mad cephalopods aren’t fussy about where they shove their bulging spermatophoric gland.

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New homes ‘as cramped as shoeboxes’ say people who design mansions

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Architects have taken time out from designing five-story mansions that look like spaceships to hit out at modern homes, claiming they’re ‘no bigger than shoe boxes’.

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Dog walkers and cows urged to undergo urgent peace talks

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The UN has urged dog walkers and cows to gather round the negotiating table in the hope that they can put an end to the tensions that are threatening to boil over into a full-blown conflict.

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Environment Agency accused of ‘dumbing down’ river quality tests

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As the rivers and waterways of England and Wales once again outperformed last years’ results, the Environment Agency has been accused of ‘dumbing down’ the tests, making the results meaningless.

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Government considering badger air strikes

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The government has not ruled out the possibility of air strikes as it pushes ahead with controversial plans to needlessly kill badgers.

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Oceans just need a rebrand, claim management consultants

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Leading management consultants have claimed that the only way for the Oceans to halt their decline is to undergo a root and branch rebranding exercise.

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