Environment

Carefree early summer now over, claim Wasps

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The carefree early summer that involved laugher, barbecues, ice cream in the park, and leaving all the windows open, has been replaced by abject terror as the first wasp wakes up.

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Reckless Shell boss chooses ‘full flush’ button when urinating

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Irresponsible Shell CEO, Simon Williams, is engaged in a deadly game of Russian roulette with the environment, according to sources.

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Patagonian Toothfish should get their help from Patagoniland, UKIP tells Prince Charles

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After Prince Charles’ letters to the government were made public, UKIP have said that as first in line to the throne he should have more concern for indigenous British Toothfish.

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North Korea celebrates Earth Day by not turning lights on for 65th successive year

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North Korea has celebrated Earth Day by not turning any lights on for the 23,774th day in a row.

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Successful Earth Day campaign delays inevitable global catastrophe, by a day

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The successful ‘Earth Day’ campaign has led experts to predict that it has delayed an inevitable global environmental catastrophe, by a day.

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Giraffe hunter insists all mercy killings should be completed using bow and arrow

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A hunter photographed posing with the giraffe she had just killed has said that all mercy killings should be undertaken with a high-velocity bow and arrow.

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Pandas given survival lifeline as scientists discover they are delicious

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Pandas could become a common sight on farms across the world after scientists discovered just how tasty they are.

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Fracking industry demands cute little girl with pigtails as regulator

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Representatives from the UK fracking industry have called the current regulatory system ‘complex and relatively unapproachable’, demanding a new one led by a cute little girl with pigtails.

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Optician plans to buy yacht shortly after eclipse

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Optician, Adam Burnage, has been rubbing his hands with glee at the prospect of treating hordes of morons who will be staring directly at the sun this morning.

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Wank-rags killing the planet, say experts

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The gentleman’s choice of post-masturbation cleaning apparatus, the wet-wipe, has doubled its presence on UK beaches in the last twelve months, according to reports.

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