Environment

Badger cull still pretty good fun, admit farmers

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After an independent scientific assessment proved that last years’ badger cull pilot was a complete failure, every farmer involved said it was tremendous fun nonetheless.

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Prime Minister to spare no expense in repairing damaged flood defence reputations

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Prime minister David Cameron has told the nation that no expense will be spared when attempting to repair the damaged political reputations left in the wake of the latest round of flooding.

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Flooding now important as river into London seriously affected

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The floods affecting the country have finally been declared ‘important’ after the river flowing directly to the heart of London was affected.

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Middle classes demand urgent government action on global wine shortage

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Dwindling wine stocks have finally given the middle classes a reason to become passionate about politics, forcing them to insist the government takes urgent action to prevent a crisis.

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Three new species of vertebrate discovered behind woman’s fridge

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A two pence coin-dwelling frog is among three new species discovered in a “lost world” behind a woman’s unclean fridge in the upper reaches of Basingstoke, according to reports.

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World first as burger is made entirely from lab grown arseholes

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The world’s first lab-grown burger, made entirely of animal arseholes grown from stem cells has been cooked and eaten at a news conference in London.

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I thought sharks were already well protected, insist Wonga customers

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As sharks were given new protections from fishermen, Wonga customers have admitted they thought that all types of life-limiting sharks were already given unprecedented levels of protection.

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Russian meteorite found to be 30% horse

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The Food Standards Agency (FSA) has addresses criticism of its role in the horsemeat scandal by claiming that the meteor which fell over Russia’s Ural mountains contained no more than 30% horse.

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Human penises are technically disposable too, claim women

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After the Sea Slug impressed researchers with its ability to detach its penis, women everywhere said that with enough will power and the correct tools the human penis is equally disposable.

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Dolphins ‘intelligent enough not to rely on NHS’

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Dolphins have demonstrated their preference for medical treatment from a stranger with a knife than an NHS Accident and Emergency ward.

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