Environment

Pandas given survival lifeline as scientists discover they are delicious

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Pandas could become a common sight on farms across the world after scientists discovered just how tasty they are.

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Fracking industry demands cute little girl with pigtails as regulator

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Representatives from the UK fracking industry have called the current regulatory system ‘complex and relatively unapproachable’, demanding a new one led by a cute little girl with pigtails.

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Optician plans to buy yacht shortly after eclipse

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Optician, Adam Burnage, has been rubbing his hands with glee at the prospect of treating hordes of morons who will be staring directly at the sun this morning.

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Wank-rags killing the planet, say experts

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The gentleman’s choice of post-masturbation cleaning apparatus, the wet-wipe, has doubled its presence on UK beaches in the last twelve months, according to reports.

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Dogging sites across northern Britain get spectacular view of the northern lights

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Doggers across northern Britain were treated to a magnificent view of the Northern Lights last night.

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Scotland accused of not taking gale warning seriously amid reports of record kite sales

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The indomitable nation of Scotland has once again shown it is harder than your nan’s attempt at cake by chortling directly into mother nature’s ugly face.

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Asteroid survives near miss with moron-infected planet

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Asteroid 2004 BL86 has dramatically survived a near-miss with ‘Earth’, a planet well-known for carrying dangerously high levels of morons.

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Bill Gates successfully creates drinkable water from Justin Bieber albums

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Microsoft founder and philanthropist Bill Gates has given hope to drought affected areas by creating drinking water out of total shit, including the Justin Bieber back catalogue.

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New bio-bus to run on bullshit election manifestos

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The UK’s first bus powered entirely by the excrement inside an election manifesto has gone into service between Bristol and Bath.

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Middle-aged chimps observed buying small red sports cars

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As researchers discovered that chimpanzees and orangutans may undergo a form of ‘mid-life crisis’, the first reports of a chimp purchasing a small red sports car emerged.

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