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Entertainment

Sky wins television rights to Thatcher funeral

News International has once again buried its competitors, by winning the lucrative TV rights for Margaret Thatcher’s final curtain.

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Goth records to be criminalised

In a desperate attempt to cheer up the people of Manchester, Goth music will be criminalised from midday.

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Girls Aloud announce 2033 reunion tour as ‘Shouty Middle-Aged Women’

Girls Aloud have announced plans for a reunion tour in 2033 under the name ‘Shouty Middle-Aged Women’.

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Bill Roache’s tedious career due to being ‘a proper shit’ in previous life

Playing Ken Barlow for 53 tedious years means Bill Roache must have been a rapist or something in a previous life, according to reincarnation experts.

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Justin Beiber disappoints parents at O2 by eventually turning up

Teen heart-throb Justin Beiber incensed parents at the O2 yesterday, when he started singing before many of them could leave.

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It’s not me, Michael Le Vell is the actor who plays me, insists Kevin Webster

Weatherfield mechanic Kevin Webster has furiously denied any involvement in wrongdoing after the actor who plays him in Coronation Street, Michael Le Vell, was charged with a string of sex offences.

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Testicle recovering well following removal of Jeremy Kyle

A testicle which underwent emergency surgery to remove Jeremy Kyle, is reportedly recovering well in hospital following the routine procedure.

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Dappy community service to ‘not make music’

N-Dubz ‘star’ Dappy has been found guilt of assault and affray and will serve his community service by releasing no music whatsoever for a 6-month period.

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Stargazing Live ‘needs more gazing at celebrities’

In a move bound to shock the scientific community, the BBC has announced that Brian Cox will be replaced by Bruce Forsyth in future editions of ‘Stargazing’.

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