Entertainment

Pistorius judge to offer Ant & Dec lessons in building suspense

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Britain’s Got Talent presenters Ant & Dec are to receive coaching in the art of building tension from the judge in Oscar Pistorius’ trial, according to sources this morning.

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Eager fan spots giant red arrow shapes on leaked Star Wars set photos

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Star Wars fans have been left tumescent with excitement after leaked photos from the set of the new Star Wars movie revealed giant red arrow shapes that could be part of the Disney franchise.

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Daily Mail reveals Jack the Ripper was a ‘Bloody Polish Immigrant’

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The Daily Mail has exclusively revealed that Jack the Ripper was a Polish immigrant only ‘over here’ due to our overly-generous Victorian immigration policy.

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Midsomer Murders character will ‘probably be fine’

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Despite a series of disagreements with fellow villagers, Midsomer Murders character Simon Williams will almost certainly come back from a late-night trip to the woodshed unscathed.

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Stolen nude photos a ‘disgusting invasion of privacy’, insist men busy googling for them

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Men everywhere have this morning described as ‘disgusting’ the invasion of privacy caused by leaked photos of naked female celebrities, before seeking clarification on exactly where they are online.

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People you don’t recognise enter house you don’t care about

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A range of people you wouldn’t know if you passed them on the street are going to live in a house you couldn’t give a toss about, all for your entertainment, it emerged this morning.

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Police claim Cliff Richard search unearthed horrific ‘new material’

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A police search of Cliff Richard’s home has unearthed a host of horrific new album tracks, according to sources close to the case.

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Cliff tells pals ‘We’re all going on a summer holiday’

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Cliff Richard aka Harry Webb has surprised close friends by announcing a spontaneous open-ended return trip to Portugal.

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Gaza victims urge Tulisa to ‘stay strong’

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Victims of indiscriminate shelling in Gaza have offered their unanimous sympathy to the tormented former N Dubz star Tulisa Contostavlos.

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Women aroused by 50 Shades of Grey trailer urged to try adult websites

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Women left breathless by the trailer for the forthcoming film adaptation of 50 Shades of Grey have been pointed in the direction of the nearest adult website for an early erotic fix.

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