Education

Parents busy picking best bit of house for Facebook World Book Day costume photo

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Facebook parents across the country have spent the morning frantically searching for the most flattering part of their home in which to photograph their children wearing their World Book Day costumes.

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Big Brother adds fourth line to manifesto

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Benevolent dictator Big Brother has punched up his message with a fourth line “News is Fake” this morning.

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Suicide bomber shortage means ISIS now offering 80 virgins in the afterlife

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A series of defeats mean that Islamic terror organisations are offering ever-increasing numbers of virgins in the afterlife to drum up interest.

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Paul Nuttall’s autobiography to be a Choose Your Own Adventure book

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If you want to be leader of UKIP, turn to page 23, if you want to battle a goblin for ten gold coins, turn to page 144.

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Start your own website, people demanding ‘balance’ told

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People on Internet comments threads who think joke writers aren’t pandering to them enough have been told to start their own fucking website today.

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School Parents’ Evenings to be held in the pub from now on

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Both teachers and parents have agreed that Parents’ Evening will be held in the pub from now on for the sake of all concerned.

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Captain Cook’s landing at Botany Bay was faked, insists 18th century conspiracy theorist

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An 18th-century conspiracy theorist is convinced Captain Cook’s landing at Botany Bay was faked in a London engraving parlour.

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Middle-class child fails to say anything poignant about Donald Trump

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A pair of middle-class parents are concerned their six-year-old may have educational difficulties after she failed to say anything poignant about Donald Trump for them to tweet about.

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“Who’s President of the United States in 2017?” Doc Brown asks Marty McFly

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Doctor Emmett Brown of 1987 has reacted with scorn and disbelief after asking ‘future boy’ Marty McFly who the President of the United States is in 2017.

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The Year of the Cock to last for four years, confirms China

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Chinese Premier Xi Jinping has confirmed that the Year of the Cock is set to last for an unprecedented four years.

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