Education

School sports funding cuts will make it fairer for other nations, confirms government

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As Team GB continues to perform beyond expectation at the Olympics, ministers have confirmed that cuts to school sports funding are necessary to make it fairer on other nations.

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Creationist school syllabus only takes 7 days, insists Michael Gove

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Michael Gove has defended his decision to allow some state funded free schools to be run by creationist groups, insisting their ability to cut out billions of years of facts highlights their overall efficiency.

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GCSEs to be replaced by ‘exams’

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The popular GCSE loyalty scheme could soon be replaced by ‘examinations’, according to government sources.

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Counting Black Bear awarded Maths GCSE grade ‘B’

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A Black Bear which demonstrated rudimentary counting skills has earned a grade ‘B’ GCSE Maths qualification, according to reports.

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Argyll & Bute council criticise 9 year-old’s blog for failure to include fairy stories

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Argyll & Bute have banned the photography of their school dinners by 9 year-old blogger after they claimed she had continually failed to make up lovely fairy stories about how lovely everything is.

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Farts now definitely a legitimate classroom topic, insist students

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Classrooms across the country are expected to be full of enthusiastic student opinions this week, after scientists insisted that dinosaur flatulence contributed to global warming.

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MPs to encourage teens into teaching by keeping them away from teachers

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A report by the Commons Education Select Committee has said that the best way to attract teenagers into teaching would be to keep them away from teachers who might accidentally make them aware of the pay, pension and workload.

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Hairdressing college drops ‘hairdressing’ to focus on league tables

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The historic hair college of Bletchley will stop teaching students how to cut hair from next term, to focus more strongly on their performance in league tables.

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University graduates buoyed by news of 2,500 new McDonald’s jobs

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University graduates previously concerned that the last three years of their lives had been a complete waste of time and money have received a boost, after McDonald’s announced 2,500 exciting opportunities for ambitious team-players.

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Parents avoid child gender stereotypes by conforming to hippy stereotype

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The parents of five year-old Sasha Laxton have successfully avoided the gender stereotypes normally associated with young children by conforming to the traditional stereotype of hippies.

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